Political Irony

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch’s house chanting, ‘What do we want?’ Murdoch interrupted saying, ‘I already know, I hacked your phones.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The Occupy Wall Street protesters traveled around New York to stand outside the mansions of the most wealthy people in New York. Is that protesting or tourism?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Don’t protest outside of a rich man’s house in the daytime, you’ll just scare the maid, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job.” – Craig Ferguson

“Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread.” – Conan O’Brien

“Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of ‘less government, more toppings’ has been well received.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At tonight’s Republican debate, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain was given the center seat. You can tell Cain was in the center because he was wearing one of those little plastic tables that protects the cheese.” – Jimmy Fallon

“For tonight’s debate each Republican candidate was paired with a professional dancer.” – David Letterman

“Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, ‘Tim Pawlenty: This Time I’ll Quit Later.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Today New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It’s good news for Romney. I mean, you always want Chris Christie on your side. Unless you’re in a canoe.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses.” – Conan O’Brien

“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. That’s like the Chinese winning for child day care.” – Jay Leno

“Unemployed Americans are moving to China to find work. You need a fake ID, not to say you’re Chinese, just to say you’re under 10 years old.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michelle Obama attempted to set a world record for jumping jacks. I think that will make unemployment a little easier to tolerate.” – David Letterman

“A Florida report says there are fewer bad drivers because the economy is keeping people off the road. Now, the White House is saying they don’t have a failed economic plan, they have a successful highway safety plan.” – Jay Leno

“The Washington Post says that President Obama is not a people person, and is a neurotic loner without any friends. It’s like I have a twin.” – David Letterman

“President Obama announced that he is going to visit Detroit on Friday. Why? The Tigers are in the Playoffs, the Lions are undefeated, car sales are going through the roof – why ruin it with a presidential speech? They are doing fine. Don’t go there.” – Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Bo, the White House dog. It looks like he may be a one-term dog.” – David Letterman

“San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, ‘Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'” – Jay Leno

© Rob Rogers

And as usual, Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman are left out.

“It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Because of Columbus Day all the banks were closed. And some of them are expected to open tomorrow. Even though B of A was closed, they still charged you the $5 debit fee. Who thinks they should change their name to B of A-hole?” – Jay Leno

“Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we’ve exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Christopher Columbus claimed America for Spain. If the British had never come here, we would all be speaking Spanish – as opposed to just half of the country speaking Spanish.” – Jay Leno

“Christopher Columbus, an Italian, moved to Spain and then discovered America, although many Americans believe he was actually born in Kenya.” – David Letterman

“The stock market skyrocketed today. See what happens when the banks and the federal government shut down for a day?” – Jay Leno

“Two Americans won the Nobel Prize today, for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?” – Jay Leno

“A team of American scientists just traveled to Russia to search for the Abominable Snowman. That’s right, a mythical creature who probably doesn’t exist. Or as Republicans call that, ‘a presidential candidate’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Perry has admitted that he’s so tired that he can’t sleep. He should listen to one of his own speeches.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday on CNN, Michele Bachmann denied that her campaign is losing steam and said all candidates have their ups and downs. Then she said, ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to hitchhike to my next campaign stop.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“We found out why Sarah Palin won’t run for president. She heard the job lasts four years.” – Jay Leno

“Homophobic Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum is at it again – on Fox News he attacked gay men and said that letting them shower with straight people in the military would cause problems. If that’s true, that means the straight men were not that straight to begin with. Probably not that straight.” – Jay Leno

“I say let all the troops shower together: straight men, gay men, women, everybody. Morale would shoot up, and we’d have the cleanest troops in the world.” – Jay Leno

“California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Mayor of Newark is cutting the city budget for toilet paper, leading to the new slogan: ‘Yes, it could smell any worse.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bo the White House dog is 3 today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog.” – David Letterman

“There’s a secret panel in Washington that can order any American killed anywhere in the world at any time. This may be the only way we can get Nancy Grace off ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – Jay Leno

© Lalo Alcaraz

What took us so long?

“Chris Christie announced he would not enter the race. In a statement he said ‘Look at me. Do I look like I’m ready to race anyone?'” – Bill Maher

“And Chris Christie isn’t running. This guy had a lot of followers. Most of then were ivory poachers, but still …” – David Letterman

“On Tuesday New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie announced he that he was not running for president. And then on Wednesday Sarah Palin also announced that she would not run. Palin said she would love to be president but she just couldn’t handle the two-year commitment.” – Seth Meyers

“Sarah Palin won’t run for president. Who better to lead us out of the troubles of the world than a half-term governor from Alaska?” – David Letterman

“Very sadly, two days ago, the great white dope, Sarah Palin said she would not enter the race. I am of two minds about this; as an American, I thank you Sarah. As a comedian, I beg you to reconsider.” – Bill Maher

“Sarah Palin went on Fox News and said Paul Revere talked her out of running for president.” – David Letterman

“Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, ‘If you don’t have a job, if you’re not rich, don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the banks, blame yourself.’ And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, ‘Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'” – Bill Maher

“Under Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, everything would be taxed at 9 percent. Now, Rick Santorum says he has a better tax plan called 0-0-0. Oh, sorry, that’s his chances of becoming president.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry has fallen way down. He’s got a new ad campaign where he says Mitt Romney is a carbon copy of Obama. Yes, that has always been Mitt Romney’s problem. He’s just too black.” – Bill Maher

“YouTube has launched a politics channel so that people can easily find videos of the presidential candidates. Today they posted their first video, ‘Cat Winning a Debate Against Michele Bachmann.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Hank Williams Jr. got his ass kicked off of Monday Night Football. His crime was comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News. Or as it used to be called, ‘The Glenn Beck Show.” – Bill Maher

“If we are going to fire every Southern hillbilly who thinks Obama is like Hitler, who will be our Republican congressmen?” – Bill Maher

“Rick Perry assured Hank Williams that he has a job singing theme songs once Texas starts televising executions.” – Bill Maher

“Unemployment is still at 9.1 percent. Well, 9.2 percent if you count Hank Williams, Jr.” – Jay Leno

“You folks feeling the economic pinch? That’s why we lowered the ticket prices. And the hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are now accepting chickens.” – David Letterman

“There’s a proposal in Congress to allow rich people who feel they don’t pay enough income tax to voluntarily pay more. Economists say this could bring in as much as $75 a year.” – Jay Leno

“Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there’s nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn.” – Seth Meyers

“This week Arnold Schwarzenegger dedicated a museum in Austria devoted to him. Kids get in free if they turn out to be his.” – Jay Leno

“Today President Obama met with the Chicago Bears championship team from 1985. When she heard about Bears in the White House, Sarah Palin was like, ‘Maybe I will run for president!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that’s only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that’s not going to happen.” – Jay Leno