Political Irony

“Three wealthy investors who are already worth millions won the $254 million Powerball jackpot. Yeah, in a related story, everyone’s head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama will attend three fundraisers in New York City tomorrow to raise money for his re-election campaign. Seriously? How about holding a fundraiser to raise money for the United States?” – Jimmy Fallon

“I just saw this. Vice President Biden will travel to Turkey to speak at an economic summit. When he heard he was giving a speech to Turkey, Biden was like, ‘I am SO sorry about Thanksgiving.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“You know, I don’t know what the Republicans are crowing about. Losing Barney Frank is the worst thing that could happen to conservatives. He is the perfect avatar of everything they hate: gay, Jewish, Taxachusetts, arrogant, condescending liberal. He’s your everything bagel.” – Jon Stewart

“With Herman Cain we’re up to he said, she said, she said, she said, she said, and she was paid not to say.” – Stephen Colbert

“This new woman says the affair was consensual. I’d say things are looking up.” – Stephen Colbert on Herman Cain

“A thirteen-year affair just proves you can carry on a stable relationship – two, counting your marriage.” – Stephen Colbert

‎”13 years!? That is an admirable commitment to the woman with whom you are violating your spousal commitment with.” – Jon Stewart on Herman Cain

“Herman Cain’s latest accuser, a woman named Ginger White, said the affair with Herman Cain lasted for 13 years. She knew Herman Cain was married. Just as the other four women who accused him of sexual harassment, they knew Herman Cain was married. In fact, the only one who didn’t realize Herman Cain was married was Herman Cain.” – Jay Leno

“Herman Cain is now reassessing his candidacy. Apparently between his marriage, his mistresses and sexually harassing these other women, there’s no time to campaign.” – Jay Leno

“You know what we should do? We should set up Herman Cain with that woman with the pepper spray at Walmart. She’d slow him down.” – Jay Leno

Our friend (and I mean friend like Cain means ham sandwich) Andy Borowitz is channeling Herman Cain’s political ghost in this satire of a Herman Cain fare well speech:

A Farewell from Herman Cain
[by Andy Borowitz of The Borowitz Report]

Dear Friend,

And when I say “friend,” I mean it in the normal way, not “someone I’ve been sleeping with for 13 years.”  Unless, of course, I have been sleeping with you for 13 years.  In that case, I do mean it that way.

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to end my inspirational quest for the White House.  After much reassessing and reconsidering, I have decided to spend more time being screamed at by my wife.  And by “more time,” I mean 24 hours a day, stopping only for bathroom breaks.

But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign.  After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair.  And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me?

I mean, let’s get real.  I never heard of Libya.  I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz.  And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain.  Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me.  In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants.  (I have no idea what I meant by that — I just like saying 9-9-9.)

But here’s the part that really kills me.  You’re kicking me to the curb because I was messing around, and instead you’re going with… Newt Gingrich?  I repeat: are you fucking kidding me?  Oh, I know what you’re saying: you love Newt because he’s an “intellectual.”  Well, Newt Gingrich is the intellectual of the Republican field the way Moe was the intellectual of the Stooges.

And that leads me to my final point: you disgust me, America.  Right now if I had my way, I’d up and move to another country.  I really, truly would.  Only I don’t know where any of them are, and my wife won’t let me leave the house.

Goodbye forever,

Herman

I just want to clarify – there’s that big word Clair-E-Fie again – the farewell statement above is a SATIRE written by Andy Borowitz!
– Iron Filing

Highlighted Comment (for those of you who don’t read the comments in Political Irony, you’re missing half the content sometimes – IF):
IL-08 wrote:

Here’s what really makes me question our society. Herman Cain had MULTIPLE SUBSTANTIATED accusations of sexual misconduct and his campaign donations went UP. One accusation of consensual sex between adults and he is forced to quit. Something is very wrong here.

“When are these Republican debates going to stop? I mean, this would be the very reason to call for a dictatorship, just to put an end to these.” – David Letterman

“This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn’t talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, ‘I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest ‘Behind the Music’ special yet.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you think that’s bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.” – David Letterman

“Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If you think about it in certain terms, Obama has had a good year. First bin Laden, then Moammar Gadhafi. Next, Robert Wagner.” – David Letterman

“It looks like the supercommittee chosen by President Obama to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. The best idea they came up with? A bake sale.” – Jay Leno

“Don’t worry, President Obama has announced a new plan. Next week, he’s appointing a super duper committee.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama came home after a 9-day trip to Asia. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?” – David Letterman

“I’m not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, ‘Well, if he’s found guilty.'” – Jay Leno

“Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don’t need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he’s going to take that message across America to all 30 states.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.” – David Letterman

“I read that Texas Gov. Rick Perry has challenged Nancy Pelosi to a debate. Yeah, Perry got the idea when he was like, ‘I can’t remember. Am I good or bad at debates?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he’s the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing’s for sure, nobody’s ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that.” – Jay Leno

“Happy Birthday to Vice President Biden, who turns 69 this weekend! When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama’s easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a ‘gotcha’ question. That’s when you know things are bad: When you’re attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked ‘No Country for Old Men.’ Rick Perry chose ‘Clueless.’ Michele Bachmann chose ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,’ and Herman Cain chose ‘Snatch.'” – Jay Leno

“There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn’t share it with the rest of us.” – Jay Leno

“Thank you, the TSA. For celebrating your 10th birthday this month, I got you a very special package, mine.” – Jimmy Fallon