Political Irony

“Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on ‘Dancing With the Stars.'” – Jay Leno

“Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the ‘country of Solyndra.’ If an energy company was a country, don’t you think we would’ve invaded it by now?” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry was interviewed in a library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: “Runnin’ Texas for Dummies,” “Supreme Court for Dummies,” “Dumb & Dumber for Dummies.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn’t cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney says if he is president he will create 11 million new jobs. Sure, they’ll all be in China, but a job is a job, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That’s like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings.” – David Letterman

“Donald trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This guy is something. He’s committed to the debate, he’s not committed; he’s running, he’s not running; he’s in, he’s out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was making money hand over fist.” – Jay Leno

“Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, ‘Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?'” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Benedict announced he’s going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry doesn’t have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head.” – Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

“It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?” – Jay Leno

“Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, ‘I’m sorry, but that’s all I had in my pocket at the time.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails.” – David Letterman

“Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they’re also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago.” – Conan O’Brien

“A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That’s awful. You’re promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It’s like voting for Obama.” – Craig Ferguson

“Here’s what you and your minions don’t understand, [Bill] O’Reilly. Your hell doesn’t scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I’m already in hell.” – Jon Stewart

“The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii.” – Conan O’Brien

“Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ’s paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some mistletoe earlier today and kissed 14 years goodbye.” – David Letterman

“While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish.” – Jay Leno

“Perry gave three reasons for declining the Iowa debate later this month. First, he needs to concentrate on campaigning. Second, there are already two other debates scheduled for that week. And he forgot the third one.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he’d do about the West Bank, he said he’d bring back free checking.” – Jay Leno

“According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners.” – Jay Leno

“According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, ‘the 99 percenters.'” – Jay Leno

Christopher Hitchens died yesterday after a fight with cancer, which he himself blamed on his own bad habits of smoking and drinking.

What I will remember most about Hitchens are his scathing zingers, thrown equally across the political spectrum. For example:

On Sarah Palin: “She’s got no charisma of any kind [but] I can imagine her being mildly useful to a low-rank porn director.” — The Leonard Lopate Show, June 2010

On Barack Obama: “The political rhetoric of Obamaism, alas, is even more bloviating at times than Camelot was.” — Slate, 2009

On Hypocrites in general: “Nothing optional—from homosexuality to adultery—is ever made punishable unless those who do the prohibiting (and exact the fierce punishment) have a repressed desire to participate.” — from his book “God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything”, 2007

On George W Bush: “[George W. Bush] is lucky to be governor of Texas. He is unusually incurious, abnormally unintelligent, amazingly inarticulate, fantastically uncultured, extraordinarily uneducated, and apparently quite proud of all these things.” — Hardball with Chris Matthews, 2000

On Progressives: “One of the many problems with the American left, and indeed of the American left, has been its image and self-image as something rather too solemn, mirthless, herbivorous, dull, monochrome, righteous, and boring.” — Frontpagemag.com, 2004

On the Media: “Only the aspirants for president are fool enough to believe what they read in the newspapers.” — C-SPAN, March 1988

and perhaps most famously:

On Jerry Falwell: “If [Falwell] had been given an enema, he could have been buried in a matchbox.” — CSPAN, April 2009

“Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor.” – Jay Leno

“Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty.” – David Letterman

“The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair.” – Craig Ferguson

“Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on “Celebrity Apprentice.'” – David Letterman

“He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama.” – Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts.” – David Letterman

“I like Newt Gingrich. You know who he looks like? He looks like your Dad’s old Army buddy, doesn’t he?” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney now says the gloves are coming off. And then Ron Paul said, ‘And my teeth are coming out.'” – David Letterman

“There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam.” – Jay Leno

“In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb. bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.” – David Letterman

“Joe Biden visited Greece last week on the debt crisis. I don’t want to say the vice president doesn’t know much, but he kept asking for John Travolta.” – Jay Leno

“The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad.” – Craig Ferguson