Political Irony

“The independent Super PAC supporting Mitt Romney announced it would suspend anti- Newt Gingrich ads during Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They said they’re doing it out of respect to Gingrich, his family, and his mistresses.” – Jay Leno

“The pro-adultery website ashleymadison.com – have you heard of this? It’s a website for married people that want to cheat. Anyway, they have come out and endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. I guess it’s their way of thanking him for all the years of business.” – Jay Leno

“John Edwards – remember that sleazeball who ran for president? He’s asking that his upcoming criminal trial be delayed because he’s been diagnosed with a medical condition. Lets hope it’s erectile dysfunction.” – Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald’s hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance…” – Jay Leno

“There have been a lot of changes in the polls lately. It’s unbelievable. President Obama’s ratings are up, Ron Paul is leading in the polls in Iowa, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are in a tie, and Rick Santorum is still two points behind Kim Jong-Il. He’s got a way to go.” – Jay Leno

“We’re learning more and more about the death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. It seems he died of a heart attack while riding on a train in North Korea. I don’t want to say Kim Jong-Il was little, but the train he died on was going around his Christmas tree.” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words ‘beautiful, smart, and funny.’ When asked how he picked those, he used the words, ‘she’s, sitting, and right-next-to-me.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Obama a clown and an embarrassment. You don’t talk about our president that way. Our vice president, sure, that would be fine.” – Jay Leno

“President Barack Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he’s out there boosting the economy — the Chinese economy but still, he’s doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“President Obama went Christmas shopping at Best Buy in Virginia this week. He had to go to Best Buy because he’s not allowed to go to Walmart, because China said, “You can’t buy any more stuff from us until you pay off what you already owe us.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“While shopping at Best Buy, out of force of habit, President Obama put everything on layaway. He told the store, “Don’t worry about it; the grandkids will pay for it.” – Jay Leno

“The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game “Just Dance” for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words, the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren’t even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?” – Jay Leno

“North Korea may not have enough money to preserve the body of Kim Jong Il. Unfortunately, this leaves North Koreans with only one alternative: Kim Jong jerky. … You heard of Slim Jims? How about Slim Kims?” – Conan O’Brien

“The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium.” – David Letterman

“It’s been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That’s right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine.” – Conan O’Brien

“Kim Jong Il made his staff call him ‘dear’ and spent the day drinking cognac. It’s like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They’re called relatives.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine-free Diet Coke. Or as it’s known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug.” – Conan O’Brien

I personally have nothing against Christmas, but I love a good rant. And when Christopher Hitchens passed away recently, the world lost a ranter par excellence. I’m going to miss him. So here is a reprint of a famous Hitchens anti-Christmas rant, first published in Salon in 2005.

Bah, Humbug

The horrors of December in a one-party state.

I used to harbor the quiet but fierce ambition to write just one definitive, annihilating anti-Christmas column and then find an editor sufficiently indulgent to run it every December. My model was the Thanksgiving pastiche knocked off by Art Buchwald several decades ago and recycled annually in a serious ongoing test of reader tolerance. But I have slowly come to appreciate that this hope was in vain. The thing must be done annually and afresh. Partly this is because the whole business becomes more vile and insufferable—and in new and worse ways—every 12 months. It also starts to kick in earlier each year: It was at Thanksgiving this year that, making my way through an airport, I was confronted by the leering and antlered visage of what to my disordered senses appeared to be a bloody great moose. Only as reason regained her throne did I realize that the reindeer—that plague species—were back.

Not long after I’d swallowed this bitter pill, I was invited onto Scarborough Country on MSNBC to debate the proposition that reindeer were an ancient symbol of Christianity and thus deserving of First Amendment protection, if not indeed of mandatory display at every mall in the land. I am told that nobody watches that show anymore—certainly I heard from almost nobody who had seen it—so I must tell you that the view taken by the host was that coniferous trees were also a symbol of Christianity, and that the Founding Fathers had endorsed this proposition. From his cue cards, he even quoted a few vaguely deistic sentences from Benjamin Franklin and George Washington, neither of them remotely Christian in tone. When I pointed out the latter, and added that Christmas trees, yule logs, and all the rest were symbols of the winter solstice “holidays” before any birth had been registered in the greater Bethlehem area, I was greeted by a storm of abuse, as if I had broken into the studio instead of having been entreated to come by Scarborough’s increasingly desperate staff. And when I added that it wasn’t very Tiny Tim-like to invite a seasonal guest and then tell him to shut up, I was told that I was henceforth stricken from the Scarborough Rolodex. The ultimate threat: no room at the Bigmouth Inn.

This was a useful demonstration of what I have always hated about the month of December: the atmosphere of a one-party state. On all media and in all newspapers, endless invocations of the same repetitive theme. In all public places, from train stations to department stores, an insistent din of identical propaganda and identical music. The collectivization of gaiety and the compulsory infliction of joy. Time wasted on foolishness at one’s children’s schools. Vapid ecumenical messages from the president, who has more pressing things to do and who is constitutionally required to avoid any religious endorsements.

And yet none of this party-line unanimity is enough for the party’s true hard-liners. The slogans must be exactly right. No “Happy Holidays” or even “Cool Yule” or a cheery Dickensian “Compliments of the season.” No, all banners and chants must be specifically designated in honor of the birth of the Dear Leader and the authority of the Great Leader. By chance, the New York Times on Dec. 19 ran a story about the difficulties encountered by Christian missionaries working among North Korean defectors, including a certain Mr. Park. One missionary was quoted as saying ruefully that “he knew he had not won over Mr. Park. He knew that Christianity reminded Mr. Park, as well as other defectors, of ‘North Korean ideology.’ ” An interesting admission, if a bit of a stretch. Let’s just say that the birth of the Dear Leader is indeed celebrated as a miraculous one—accompanied, among other things, by heavenly portents and by birds singing in Korean—and that compulsory worship and compulsory adoration can indeed become a touch wearying to the spirit.

Our Christian enthusiasts are evidently too stupid, as well as too insecure, to appreciate this. A revealing mark of their insecurity is their rage when public places are not annually given over to religious symbolism, and now, their fresh rage when palaces of private consumption do not follow suit. The Fox News campaign against Wal-Mart and other outlets—whose observance of the official feast-day is otherwise fanatical and punctilious to a degree, but a degree that falls short of unswerving orthodoxy—is one of the most sinister as well as one of the most laughable campaigns on record. If these dolts knew anything about the real Protestant tradition, they would know that it was exactly this paganism and corruption that led Oliver Cromwell—my own favorite Protestant fundamentalist—to ban the celebration of Christmas altogether.

No believer in the First Amendment could go that far. But there are millions of well-appointed buildings all across the United States, most of them tax-exempt and some of them receiving state subventions, where anyone can go at any time and celebrate miraculous births and pregnant virgins all day and all night if they so desire. These places are known as “churches,” and they can also force passersby to look at the displays and billboards they erect and to give ear to the bells that they ring. In addition, they can count on numberless radio and TV stations to beam their stuff all through the ether. If this is not sufficient, then god damn them. God damn them everyone.