Political Irony

[by Dean Obeldallah, reprinted from CNN]

Stephen Colbert — host of “The Colbert Report” and unabashed right wing radical — is now considering running for President of the United States of America.

Simply put: Colbert must be stopped! He is an existential threat to our way of life and to the exceptional nature of our nation.

I know some will dismiss the threat posed by Colbert — these apologists will defend him as “harmless” or say he’s no more than “a charismatic speaker” — but that is exactly what they said about Hitler.

We need to wake up to the fact that Colbert’s poll numbers in South Carolina — the location of the next Republican primary — are rising. He is now at 5%, placing him ahead of former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman.

Yes, some will scoff at Colbert running ahead of Huntsman — a candidate running below the margin of error in some polls, meaning he may have zero support or may actually owe votes — but keep in mind that in the recent Iowa caucus, Huntsman received 745 votes.

Translation: Colbert is for real.

Colbert has not been hiding his extreme views. Night after night (or four nights a week to be exact) Colbert has been spewing his venom. However, for some reason, the media have given him a free pass.

But that ends now. Here are Colbert’s positions on the key issues — I warn you, they are scary:

— Unemployment: “Suck it up, unemployed. It is your own damn fault that you don’t have a job … So stop scapegoating Wall Street.” Do we really want an American president who sides with Wall Street over workers?

— Corporate taxes: “If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it’s the sole reason they exist.” Colbert is clearly in the pocket of big business — I bet his super PAC is funded by big businesses like hedge funds and casino owners.

— Government helping Americans in need: “I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible. I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical!”

— Gays: “There is nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.” Even Rick Santorum would not say this (at least not in public.)

— America’s role in world: “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” Under a Colbert administration, it appears America would just attack other countries for no valid reason.

— Immigration: “This is America. I don’t want my tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan, and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.”

And he advocates arresting illegal immigrants and throwing them in “jail — then we can force them to pick our crops as prison labor.”

— Civil rights: “I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.” Even Ron Paul, whose past newsletters contained racist comments, would be appalled by this callous remark.

— Muslims: “Every permit granted to a mosque is one denied to an American house of worship.” Colbert is to the right of Newt Gingrich on this issue, and keep in mind Newt has compared Muslims to Nazis.

These above quotes are clearly the words of a man with no regard for the values of our great nation. Why do the media coddle Colbert just because he labels himself a “comedian”? Hitler told jokes — does that mean he was OK?

And not only are Colbert’s views on the radical fringe of American society, I don’t trust him. Why? Because his positions on the issues have remained constant. He doesn’t waver or have multiple opinions on the same issue.

In contrast, a person like Mitt Romney has evolved over time and has been on both sides of issues like abortion, gay marriage and health insurance. (Romney should embrace this with the campaign slogan: “Me, too!”)

Colbert has only two qualities I like: 1. He’s a friend of Jon Stewart and 2. He has good hair. Besides that, he is a danger to our Republic.

And let’s not forget that Colbert admitted that he makes up facts to support his own political arguments, as he gleefully boasted once: “I can’t prove it, but I can say it.”

America cannot afford a man with the views of Stephen Colbert running our nation. Colbert doesn’t belong in the White House, instead he belongs on basic cable right before reruns of “Scrubs.”

I think I predicted this!

I’ll post the video of his announcement from tonight when it becomes available later, but until then you can read a transcript here. Colbert said “I am proud to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee to lay the groundwork for my possible candidacy for the president of the United States of South Carolina!”

UPDATE: Here’s the video:

I think this is brilliant. What better way to point out the insanity of our electoral funding system and the terrible results of the Citizen’s United Supreme Court decision.

And read the reaction from the media, both US and British.

Warning – NSFW. Contains profanity. Plus you’ll LOL and your boss will wonder what you’re doing.

See more of their sketches here.

“The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” – David Letterman

“Ron Paul – he looks like a guy you’d keep overnight for observation.” – David Letterman

“How’s this for an endorsement? Prostitutes at the world-famous Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada have endorsed Ron Paul for president. They said it was not an easy decision. They said it was hard to overlook Newt Gingrich’s solid record of adultery, but still they had to go with Ron Paul.” – Jay Leno

“I thought the prostitutes would have endorsed Mitt Romney. After all, like the girls; he changes position every hour.” – Jay Leno

“How about Mitt Romney? Now there’s a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men’s briefs.” – David Letterman

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.” – David Letterman

“Herman Cain is back. He’s planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she’s the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can’t testify against her husband.” – Jay Leno

“Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’” –Jimmy Fallon

[by Laurence Brown, reprinted from the Indy Tribune]

Republican Presidential Race Cancelled Following Poor Ratings

WASHINGTON DC – Several major television networks have announced that the Republican race for the White House – which premiered last April across America – is to be cancelled after only one caucus.

Executives decided to pull the plug on the reality TV show – which centered its plot around the political aspirations of a diverse number of conservative characters – following declining viewing figures.

“Though we had high hopes for this show when it first aired,” said NBC producer Marshall Rachniev, “it just performed poorly against episodes of Glee and re-runs of The Office.”

The Republican Race for the White House was met with mixed reactions among critics, who widely agree that it “never really recovered after the characters of pizza mogul Herman Cain and mother of 28 Michelle Bachmann were axed from the show.”

Many of the show’s failings, however, have been blamed on “predictable story-lines and trite character arcs,” with some analysts insisting that the show “didn’t ever quite know whether it was a serious drama or a sitcom.”

“By the end, I was getting really bored with the whole “Mitt-Romney-is-ahead-in-the-polls” through-plot,” said political enthusiast Sherry Kobiak. “And why did a different freaking character have a poll surge every week? It just got so confusing.”

Meanwhile, the networks would not be drawn on whether Decision 2012 – a proposed spin-off series due for launch in November – would still be aired.

“Tonight is the new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’ It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries.” – Conan O’Brien

“I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it’s on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, ‘Which way is that?'” – Jay Leno

“Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa’s black community, otherwise known as Steve.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, ‘When I’m president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney says President Obama’s promises are like Kim Kardashian’s wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney’s positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding.” – Jay Leno

“A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock’s real name? Juan Hannity.” – Jay Leno

“A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.” – Jay Leno