Political Irony

“A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, ‘I’ll be there in five teachers.'” – Conan O’Brien

“What’s interesting is in the time it took you to think about that joke, Mitt Romney made $65 million.” – Conan O’Brien

“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she has dirt on Newt Gingrich, but so far she’s keeping her lips sealed — because that’s how the last surgeon left them.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama told the nation ‘The state of our union is strong,’ while Newt Gingrich told his wife, ‘The state of our union is open.'” – Conan O’Brien

“His State of the Union speech was written so 8th graders could understand it. Which explains the part where Obama said, ‘I wasted bin Laden, LMAO!'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama gave his annual State of the Union address. And the State of the Union for 2012 is Kentucky. Congratulations.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a State of the Union drinking game. Let me just say this, if you really are playing the State of the Union drinking game, you’re probably an alcoholic.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obama focused on four areas he believes are the keys to restoring economic security. Energy, manufacturing, education, and TV shows about cupcakes, which we love.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“We were ready for Romney to win the Republican nomination, so we had our puns ready: ‘Bright Lights, Big Mitty,’ ‘Mittizen Bain,’ and “Mormon-y, Less Problems.” But then … ‘The Gingrich Who Stole South Carolina.'” – Jon Stewart

“After Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt’s campaign looked terminally ill, which is when he generally moves on to something better.” – Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney released his tax records and they showed that he earned $42 million over the last two years. So now the other candidates aren’t running for president. They’re running to be Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum (is taking) fire from the left. He may want to get a Kevlar sweater vest.” – Stephen Colbert

“Last night folks, Republicans held their eighteenth debate. The question on everyone’s mind: Who cares?” – Stephen Colbert

“People who saw Steven Tyler sing the National Anthem at the Patriots game yesterday said, ‘Nancy Reagan really looks good for her age.” But Steven Tyler got some of the lyrics wrong, so now everyone thinks the song goes, ‘Flag looks like a lady.'” – Conan O’Brien

[reprinted from Margaret and Helen. I don’t mean to pick on Newt, but this was just too much fun. Helen writes:]

The Passion of the Newt

Margaret, let me see if I get this right. The political party that brought us Family Values now gives us Newt Gingrich? South Carolina likes to say that they elect presidents. They also elected to keep the Confederate battle flag above their statehouse until this millennium so I kind of question their judgment… or lack thereof.

Let me tell you a little bit about the man who won the hearts and votes of South Carolina’s predominately born-again-evangelical-Republican-family-value voters:

Leroy Newton Gingrich was a Lutheran when he married his high school teacher at the age of 19. He was a Southern Baptist when he divorced her 18 years later while she was in the hospital recovering from surgery. A former staff member said that Newt felt she was a political liability because “she’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer.” Very good reasons I am sure, but I bet the affair he was having with Marianne Ginther had something to do with it as well. Newt “married” Marianne in 1981. I used quotes around that word because according to Marianne, Newt wanted an “open marriage” which is to say his divorces were getting kind of expensive. Instead of 7 years, Newt’s itch comes around every 18 years because that’s how long he was married to his high school teacher before he had the affair with Marianne, and that’s also how long he was married to Marianne before he began his affair with House of Representatives staffer Callista Bisek. I assume she asked him to become Catholic because they don’t believe in divorce.

Now she’s a pretty one that Callista. She is 23 years younger than Newt and so pasty white you can almost see through her, which makes her the perfect wife for a Republican president. They married in 2000 so Callista probably needs to find a lawyer in about 6 years. That means if Newt gets elected he’ll be well into his next affair and his next religion in time for his re-election campaign.

Of course all this really is Newt’s private life and I am probably “despicable” for even bringing it up. But Margaret, I find it odd that Newt takes offense to being asked about his private life when the Republican Party spends so much time worrying about my uterus and your nephew’s gay marriage. Maybe they should care a little more about what’s going on with all the uteruses (or is it uteri) in Newt’s bedroom and leave the rest of us alone.

To be honest, Newt recently took a pledge to “uphold personal fidelity to [his] spouse”. He explained that his earlier infidelities were – and I quote – “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country…” Margaret, I ask you: Is that some good bullshit or isn’t it? Makes you wonder about Herman Cain’s claim that it was the color of his skin and not where he hid his pepperoni that knocked him out.

But we don’t have to stick to Newt’s private life to find the bullshit. The man who screwed women because he was passionate about his country, also screwed his country while acting as Speaker of the House. Eighty-four ethics charges were filed against Gingrich during his term as speaker. After extensive investigation and negotiation by the House Ethics Committee, Gingrich was penalized $300,000 by a 395–28 House vote. Talk about bipartisanship. It was the first time in history a speaker was disciplined for ethical wrongdoing.

So here’s how it all stacks up, Margaret. Herman Cain goes out because he played Newt Gingrich in blackface. Then Michele Bachmann dropped out because Jesus told her he missed their quiet moments together. Jon Huntsman dropped out because we already had one Mormon in the race. Rick Perry didn’t mean to run in the first place. Ooops. Ron Paul might still have a pulse – somebody check. But Rick Man on Animal Santorum won Iowa. And Mitt Today Pro-Choice Tomorrow Pro-Life Romney won New Hampshire. And now Newt Does This Tie Go With My Religion? Gingrich won South Carolina.

Three states and three winners so on we go to the land of the hanging chad. This year’s Republican Primary has a very good chance of winning next year’s Golden Globe for Best Comedy. I mean it. Really.

[Margaret responds:]

Helen, dear, the only thing I know for sure is Newt Gingrich will be one challenging role for that Meryl Streep to play.

© Jim Morin

In the last quarter of 2011, the economy grew at an annual rate of 2.8% (up from 1.8% in the prior quarter), and much of this growth was fueled by growth in the sales of automobiles and other durable goods. Over 3 million private-sector jobs have been created in the last 22 months. And he gave a very good, upbeat but challenging State of the Union address.

I guess the only thing for the Republicans to do is to try to convince you that things are worse now than the last time they held the presidency. Good luck with that.

UPDATE: The New Yorker magazine has a long, but rewarding article about Obama, based on hundreds of pages of internal White House memos. It is an interesting and insightful look at how our government works (or doesn’t work), the challenges that face any president, and how Obama has responded to those challenges. A few quotes:

Obama made important mistakes in the first half of his term. He underestimated the severity of the recession and therefore the scale of the response it required, and he clung too long to his vision of post-partisanship, even in the face of a radicalized opposition whose stated goal was his defeat.

He is frustrated with the irrational side of Washington, but he also leans on the wisdom of his political advisers when they make a strong case that a good policy is bad politics. The private Obama is close to what many people suspect: a President trying to pass his agenda while remaining popular enough to win re-election.

Obama didn’t remake Washington. But his first two years stand as one of the most successful legislative periods in modern history. Among other achievements, he has saved the economy from depression, passed universal health care, and reformed Wall Street. Along the way, Obama may have changed his mind about his 2008 critique of Hillary Clinton. “Working the system, not changing it” and being “consumed with beating” Republicans “rather than unifying the country and building consensus to get things done” do not seem like such bad strategies for success after all.

“Rick Perry dropped out. He said while it’s sad he won’t be president, he can always run again next year.” – Bill Maher

“Actually, Rick Perry pulled out of the presidential race yesterday – which is bad news for the guys on death row in Texas. He’s coming home and he’s not in a good mood.” – Jay Leno

“Gingrich is lining up impressive endorsements. Todd Palin, Gary Busey, and now, Chuck Norris. I’ll tell you, his endorsements could beat up Mitt Romney’s endorsements.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday Rick Perry endorsed Newt Gingrich, saying Newt isn’t perfect, but who is? To which Donald Trump said, ‘I am!'” – Jay Leno

“I thought the race was over; I thought Mitt Romney had closed it. You know for a guy that is supposed to be a great business man, he sure can’t close the deal. And now it looks like Mitt vs. Newt; Alien vs. Predator.” – Bill Maher

“I have not seen anything this surreal since they cancelled ‘Twin Peaks.’ What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?” – Bill Maher

“Last night… anybody watch the debates? Newt was pretty good, I have to admit. He lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he’s right. That’s why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife went on nightline and said that he wanted to have an open marriage. This is the second wife, talking about him when he was fooling around with what became the third wife. Newt wanted apparently to have his wife and his marriage and also women on the side giving him oral sex. This way he could be nice and relaxed when he went to work and accused blacks of feeling entitled.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich was cheating on his second wife while he was prosecuting Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky thing. In other words, Newt puts the ‘hippo’ in ‘hypocrite.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt was mad. He said ‘I am not a philanderer; I am a blow job creator.'” – Bill Maher

“Newt said this is despicable to ask these questions. Why are we dwelling on the past? We should be concentrating on the future and putting America’s children back to work.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: The NAACP must take Newt Gingrich up on his offer to stand in front of the their convention and tell them why black people should want jobs instead of food stamps. This way I can finally answer a question that’s been bugging me for years: can Newt Gingrich run?” – Bill Maher

“Meanwhile, at the debate, Mitt Romney’s got a look on his face like, ‘Three women at once? Who’s the Mormon in this race?'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney won’t release his taxes, but on the other hand, turns out Newt Gingrich wrote off two of his marriages as a total loss.” – Jay Leno

“Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it’s actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno

“During a debate, Mitt Romney said he grew up in the real streets of America. Yes, the real streets, where people pull up next to you and ask if you have any Grey Poupon.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of “every man for himself” doesn’t make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama was in Disney World to introduce a new plan to boost tourism in the United States. And also because the Mickey Mouse ears fit perfectly over his real ones.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama was addressing some dignitaries at Disney World. They even put the pants on Donald Duck.” – David Letterman

“President Obama was in Disney World yesterday. Someone asked if he was going to take a picture with Grumpy and Obama said, ‘Ron Paul is here? Where is he?'” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.” – Jimmy Fallon