Political Irony

“I don’t know whether Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich won but we do know one thing for certain: tomorrow both of them can go back to ignoring Latinos.” – Stephen Colbert

“Despite his big loss in Florida Newt Gingrich vows to stay in the GOP race. And we all know when Newt takes a vow he really sticks with it.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” – David Letterman

“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.” – Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s and ordered burgers and fries and apparently everything was going well until Romney asked the cashier if she could break a $1 million bill.” – Conan O’Brien

“Studies are showing that Republican candidates are buying a lot of their ad time on the Weather Channel. You can tell because last night, the weatherman blamed the cold front on immigration and gay marriage.” – Conan O’Brien

“A lot of people want Gingrich and Romney to continue their attacks on each other all the way to the convention. These people are called Democrats.” – Craig Ferguson

“After he wowed the crowd at the Apollo Theater with his singing voice, producers at ‘American Idol’ have invited President Obama to sing on their show this season. Not to be outdone, Ron Paul’s book will be appraised on the next edition of ‘Antiques Roadshow.'” – Jay Leno

“An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama’s 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it’s his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has been working on a new plan to boost tourism in America by making it easier for foreigners to get into the United States. We have that already. It’s called Mexico.” – Jay Leno

“The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden’s killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and ‘Could you please release it two days before the election?'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Associated Press reports that China is greatly expanding its state television station. This is really good news for China’s No. 1 reality TV show, ‘Toddlers Making Tiaras.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the weekend, Herman Cain announced that he is endorsing Newt Gingrich. Well sure, adulterers like to stick together. You never know when you need an alibi. You cover for me, I’ll cover for you.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich picked up an endorsement from Herman Cain. It’s not unlike getting Carrot Top’s endorsement for an Academy Award.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, Senator John McCain has gotten into the act; McCain says that the Republican debates have turned into mud wrestling. To which Herman Cain said, “I knew I got out too soon!” – Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin has also been supportive of Gingrich but she hasn’t made an official endorsement yet. Her husband endorsed Gingrich but he’s a snowmobiler, so nobody cares.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday, Newt Gingrich accused Mitt Romney of running a dishonest campaign. Oh shut up! These are politicians. It’s like Willie Nelson yelling at Snoop Dogg for smoking dope. Shut up!” – Jay Leno

“Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul’s positions on everything from legalizing pot … to legalizing pot.” ” – Conan O’Brien

“Ron Paul was not in Florida, he was campaigning up in Maine. They think he was afraid that if he went to Florida, they’d grab him and put him in an old folks home.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” – Jay Leno

“But, Romney says he is not a creature of Washington. He has lived in the real streets of America. I believe it’s Easy Street, if I’m not mistaken.” – Jay Leno

“In fact, when Mitt Romney was young, he and his gang controlled their hood’s hedge fund.” – Jay Leno

“A newspaper study shows that Republican candidates are buying a lot of ad time on the Weather Channel. … In fact, whenever the forecast calls for rain, they pay the weathermen to say, ‘Thanks a lot, Obama.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama goes for the youth vote answering young peoples’ questions on YouTube today. As result, Obama’s new poll numbers are 55% ‘LOL’ and 45% ‘Totally Gay.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Everyone got what they wanted this week; liberals got a home run State of the Union from their President of the United States and conservatives got Heidi Klum back from Seal.” – Bill Maher

“There was another Republican debate in Florida tonight. What is left to know about these candidates? Is someone going to confess to a murder?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“These debates have jumped the shark because last night the Republicans talked about three things: deporting Mexican grandmothers, building a colony on the moon that could become the 51st state, and how Obama is out of touch.” – Bill Maher

“Fortunately, tonight’s debate was the last one we’re going to see. The candidates are going to take a break, spending more time attacking the morals of their families.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich — this is guy is clinical. He thinks he’s some sort of intergalactic ruler. He said by the end of my second term as president, we will have a colony on the moon, and if there are enough people there, it can petition to be the 51st state. We’ll call it Lunarchusetts.” – Bill Maher

“Newt may be toast already. The Republican establishment have the knives out for him. Tom Delay said Newt Gingrich was the most despicable human being he has seen since shaving this morning.” – Bill Maher

“According to new polls that just came out, Mitt Romney does very well with Republican voters who make more than $200,000. Or as Romney calls them, ‘trailer trash.’” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney said he loves Florida. All the sunshine and sandy beaches reminds him of the country where he keeps his money.” – Bill Maher

“Yes, Mitt finally released his tax returns for one year. It turns out he keeps a lot of his money in the Cayman Islands, in Bermuda, Luxembourg, a Swiss bank account. And he said he’s not trying to evade paying taxes by keeping his money in these places. That’s like saying I got caught with meth and crack, but it wasn’t because I was trying to get high.” – Bill Maher

“Look at that [image of Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer’s finger in Obama’s face]. Right to the President of the United States. Now, Jan Brewer says she regrets the confrontation, but these are the kind of problems that arise when we permit negroes to read.” – Bill Maher

“She also said, I swear to God, this is the quote — yesterday she was interviewed about this, she said she felt a ‘little bit threatened.’ Really? On the tarmac in broad daylight? By the — what was he going to do, deck her? Or buy the house next door? I mean, wow. Lord help this woman if she ever runs into a really scary black guy like Wayne Brady or Urkel.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama spent last night in Las Vegas. This morning he woke up on his hotel room floor trying to figure out what to do about a tiger, baby and 9 percent unemployment.” – Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton said this week she’s gonna quit if Obama wins a second term. She said she’s tired… she just wants to do nothing. And Joe Biden said ‘I’m still not giving you my job.’” – Bill Maher