Political Irony

“Mitt Romney lost all three of the primaries. Today, he begged Donald Trump to take back his endorsement.” – David Letterman

“Romney was at a loss to explain why he dropped the ball. In fact, his wife is now blaming it on the New England Patriot receivers.” – Jay Leno

“It was a big setback for the Mitt Romney campaign. Even the very poor said they felt bad for him.” – David Letterman

“People on the inside tell me that the first thing Romney’s going to do if he’s elected president is he’s going to outlaw casual Friday.” – David Letterman

“Rick Santorum scored a hat trick winning in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Newt Gingrich scored a hat trick eating at KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest.” – David Letterman

“He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Since yesterday’s primaries, Rick Santorum’s campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said ‘$250,000? Oh, that’s cute.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.” – Jay Leno

“There’s really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.” – Jay Leno

“A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so big, it can do the work of two babies.” – Conan O’Brien

“It is Mormon in America again. What a week Mitt Romney had. He won Florida. It looks like he’s on the way to the nomination. If only he could stop talking.” – Bill Maher

“Romney won the Florida primary with 47 percent of the vote. Or as it’s known in Florida schools, a B minus.” – Seth Meyers

“Apparently being the frontrunner gave him the confidence to announce that poor people can kiss his white ass. To be fair, they did take his comment out of context. What he said was, I’m not very concerned about the poor, they have a cushy safety net. And I’m not concerned about the rich because they’re rich like me. What I’m concerned about is the middle class, because they could slip down the economic ladder and become poor again and then fall into that I-don’t-give-a-s**t about you category.” – Bill Maher

“He complained of course that the liberal media made him sound like he was an out-of-touch rich dick. His point of view was ‘You wouldn’t treat Obama this way. I’ll bet you $10,000 you wouldn’t treat Obama this way.’” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is taking a lot of heat for saying he’s not concerned with the very poor. I don’t think he helped himself, either. Like today he says he does care about the homeless — especially the summer home-less.” – Jay Leno

“Sad news for Mitt Romney. He drove out of Florida with a live gator strapped to the roof of his car.” – David Letterman

“I think I can prove that Mitt Romney is the whitest man ever because he won Florida, became the undisputed front runner and then the next day, the host of Soul Train killed himself.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich jumped on Romney’s gaffe. He said he does care about the poor people, he loves the very poor. In fact, under his plan, poor black people would be the first ones he’s sending up to the moon colony.” – Bill Maher

“At a rally at the Trump International Hotel in Las Vegas, Donald Trump endorsed Newt Gingrich by endorsing Mitt Romney.” – Seth Meyers

“The working girls from the Bunny Ranch Brothel are showing up at Ron Paul rallies because he’s a libertarian. What a strange world it is when a presidential candidate can accept an endorsement from a whore… but enough about Romney and Donald Trump.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama spoke at the national prayer breakfast. The president said that his Christian faith is the driving force behind his economic policies. So I guess instead of blaming Bush, it’s now all Jesus’ fault.” – Jay Leno

“Obama said that he says a brief prayer every morning, but then Joe Biden shows up anyway. So I don’t know if it would really work.” – Jay Leno

“Pfizer recalled a million birth control pills. Nothing wrong with them, except they won’t stop you from getting pregnant. Or as the Palin family calls them, Skittles.” –Bill Maher

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump announced that he’s endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, ‘There’s only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I’m not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Romney was endorsed by Donald Trump. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump made a surprise endorsement of Mitt Romney for president. And Mitt climbed into Donald’s golden helicopter and they flew around the country, dropping silver dollars on the homeless and unemployed.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a great day for Mitt Romney. He was endorsed by Donald Trump. Unfortunately it was a split decision. The thing on Trump’s head endorsed Gingrich.” – Craig Ferguson

“It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s Groundhog Day. A groundhog knows as much about weather as Mitt Romney knows about poor people.” – Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said he’s not concerned about the very poor. What he means is people making less than a million.” – David Letterman

“I guess you heard Mitt Romney is now getting Secret Service protection. That’s just to protect him from the poor.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, Romney is the only guy who says, ‘You’re fired!’ more than Donald Trump. Did you know that?” – Jay Leno

“Romney knows how President Obama thinks. Because when he was governor of Massachusetts, he thought the exact same way.” – Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald’s restaurant to show that he’s a normal American… just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn’t spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d’.” – Jay Leno

“Romney said the poor ought to get together and go to Best Buy to watch the Super Bowl on the wide screen.” – David Letterman

“Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the same tailor.” – Craig Ferguson

‎”Rocky is an obvious parallel for Newt. He’s an underdog, a born scrapper, and he is fighting for the chance to be smacked around by a black guy.” – Stephen Colbert

“There are signs that Newt Gingrich’s campaign is starting to run out of money. He’s dropped Tiffany and he’s buying all of his jewelry on QVC now.” – Jay Leno

“After losing in Florida, Newt Gingrich is campaigning hard in Las Vegas. Gingrich says he loves Las Vegas because it has two of his favorite things: buffets and wedding chapels.” – Conan O’Brien

“The next caucus is this Saturday in Nevada. See, Nevada has something for all the candidates. It’s got legalized prostitution, which is part of Ron Paul’s campaign; it’s got a large Mormon population, which is good for Mitt Romney; it welcomes losers, which is perfect for Rick Santorum; and it’s got no-fault divorce, which is tailor-made for Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno

‎”To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.” – Stephen Colbert

‎”I will not be satisfied until super PAC means, ‘a frothy mix of lube and campaign funding that is sometimes the byproduct of politics.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he’s not concerned about the very poor. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Not a great day for Mitt Romney. He put his foot in his mouth. He said in an interview, quote, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor.’ Is anybody even trying to win this thing?” – Craig Ferguson

“To be fair, to Mitt Romney the ‘very poor’ means anyone who doesn’t use a solid gold toilet.” – Craig Ferguson

“Mitt Romney’s campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That’s just to protect him from Newt Gingrich.” – Jay Leno

“Romney won Florida. Have you taken a good look at Romney and his wife? They look like a couple in a Levitra commercial.” – David Letterman

“Mitt is the guy you think you look like. Newt is the guy you actually look like.” – David Letterman

“In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. He beat Newt Gingrich handily. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon.” – David Letterman

‎”Mitt didn’t just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt’s tax rate.” – Stephen Colbert

“More problems for Newt Gingrich; he’s now been told that he cannot legally use ‘Eye of the Tiger’ anymore, so he’s switching back to Viagra.” – Jay Leno

“This is real; Newt Gingrich is being sued by the guy who wrote the song, ‘Eye of the Tiger.’ He’s using it in his campaign. Gingrich says he wants the song because he’s a big fan of Rocky. He loves Rocky. Did he see the movie? Didn’t Rocky lose to the black guy? Hello. Isn’t that what happened? Am I wrong?” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is not conceding Florida. He said that Florida has made it clear that this is a two-person race. Yeah, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.” – Jay Leno

“A woman in Illinois is auctioning off a 2005 Chrysler that once belonged to President Obama. You could tell it was Obama’s car because it gets off to a fast start and then stalls for the next three years.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to USA Today, more Chinese tourists are coming to America. They get to see things they’ve never seen before: the Grand Canyon, the Statue of Liberty, adults working in factories.” – Jay Leno

“It’s the first day of Black History Month. So if you’re watching me right now, it means you have completely missed the point.” – Conan O’Brien

“The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we’re getting. We’re close to putting cows on the endangered species list.” – Jay Leno

“It’s being reported that California needs to raise $3 billion by March. This according to California State Treasurer Nicolas Cage.” – Conan O’Brien