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Late Night Political Irony

Sunday, February 19, 2012

“They announced the winner of the Westminster Dog Show, and tomorrow the winning dog gets to ride on the roof of Mitt Romney’s car.” – David Letterman

“After disputes over its nuclear program, Iran is threatening to stop exporting oil. Which means the U.S. may have to tap into its backup reserve: Mitt Romney’s hair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney and his wife wanted to spend a nice quiet Valentine’s night just by themselves. So they went to one of Mitt’s campaign rallies.” – Jay Leno

“They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” – David Letterman

“Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.” – Conan O’Brien

“They’re saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there’s a word that best describes Rick, it’s ‘swinging.’” – David Letterman

“I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, ‘For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.’” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich visited the San Diego Zoo yesterday and had fun with a panda. It was amazing. Here you have this massive creature that’s nearly extinct, and then of course there was the panda.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is in Los Angeles today hoping to raise millions of dollars — which may be why I saw him in the audience line this morning at ‘The Price Is Right.’ Barack Obama, come on down!” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama was here in Hollywood today. I’m willing to give money to the Obama campaign as long as when they leave Hollywood, they load all of the ‘American Idol’ karaoke singers onto Air Force One and take them with him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A group of Democratic fundraisers is offering a dinner with the president for $35,000. Unfortunately, the only person in America who can afford it is Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today President Obama visited a factory in Wisconsin that brought back 100 jobs from China. It’s got to be tough for the workers in China who lost those jobs — but kids always bounce back.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece.” – Jay Leno

“Earlier this week, President Obama unveiled his new $3.8 trillion budget. $3.8 trillion – that’s more money than Mitt Romney makes in a week.” – Jay Leno

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Sending good thoughts and well wishes to Stephen Colbert

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Colbert Report is off the air for a few days. News is scarce, but apparently there is a serious illness in his family, possibly Colbert’s mother. Colbert also tweeted his thanks for everyone’s thoughts and prayers.

Rumors that Colbert’s show got yanked because he pissed off too many Republican power brokers are false. Nothing to see here.

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It couldn’t get this bad, could it?

Saturday, February 18, 2012


© Matt Bors

Or is this just like the end of the Greek and Roman Empires, and we are now sliding back into the dark ages?

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, February 18, 2012

“Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.” – David Letterman

“Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he’s against same-marriage sex.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.” – Conan O’Brien

“You know a really sad thing about Valentine’s Day? Some people can’t have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno

“Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine’s Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.” – David Letterman

“President Obama urged men to ‘go big’ for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China’s money can buy.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That’s what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.” – Jay Leno

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We’ve been Framed!

Friday, February 17, 2012


© Lee Judge

At the recently held Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) a panel session discussed that the fight against birth control wasn’t working. As this comic points out, how can the Catholics call birth control a deeply held religious belief when not only have 97% of Catholic women used birth control, but a majority of Catholics say it should be covered by insurance policies.

So what solution did the CPAC panel have for this problem? Simple! Reframe the debate. Stop calling it “birth control” and start calling it an “abortion mandate”. Of course, there is no abortion mandate, but reality doesn’t matter. As the president of Americans United for Life put it:

As an organization we’re going to be more disciplined about talking about the abortion mandate coming from HHS and I would encourage you all to do the same.

How in the world are they going to reframe this issue? Again simple, according to Right-To-Life president Carol Tobias:

I truly believe the mandate from HHS was a deliberate attempt by the Obama administration to get a discussion in this country right before the election over whether men controlling the Catholic church can tell women whether or not to take birth control. That’s the debate they want. We need to bring it back. This is religious freedom. If they can tell the Catholic Church that they have to provide contraception to their employees, then they can also tell National Right to Life that we have to provide abortions for our employees.

Wow! I had no idea that the government was forcing the Catholic Church to provide contraception to their employees. Because they aren’t. The regulation specifically says that even Catholic hospitals are not required to provide contraception to anyone (including their employees) and the compromise worked out by Obama guarantees that they don’t have to pay for it for their employees either.

I guess their philosophy is “When in doubt, lie” and “If you’re going to lie, make it a really big lie“. You know, by calling it an “abortion mandate”.

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Honest Graft

Friday, February 17, 2012

Insider trading is bad, illegal, and morally wrong. Unless of course if you are a member of Congress. Then it is just “honest graft”.

Why go to all the trouble of bribing a Congressperson with campaign contributions, when you can just give them some insider information that can make them rich, legally?

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, February 17, 2012

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.” – Jay Leno

“Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney loves Valentine’s Day. Today he sent a dozen long-stemmed red roses to his money.” – David Letterman

“Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren’t suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Four of us are married to Newt” – from the Top Ten Reasons This Year’s “Sports Illustrated” Swimsuit Issue Is The Best One Ever, as presented by the models on the Late Show With David Letterman

“President Obama has compromised with the Catholic Church on this whole birth-control issue. The White House’s new position? Just have sex and pray for the best.” – Jay Leno

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Religion is Big Business

Thursday, February 16, 2012


© Brian McFadden

I’m definitely not anti-religion, but it seems crazy to me that we give huge (as much as 100%) tax breaks to churches to run normal businesses, and they even get to make profits. Doesn’t that violate the establishment clause since it allows the government to decide what is a religion, and then based on that decision give the religions they like gross preferential treatment? Churches in this country already own radio and TV stations, newspapers, financial and securities corporations, insurance companies, restaurants, hotels, universities, water and sewer companies, banks, farms and ranches, shopping malls, and book publishers. Things like church-owned hospitals should be treated like any other charity or non-profit corporation.

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The Power of the Internet

Thursday, February 16, 2012


© Matt Bors

I don’t know about the Matrix, but the big question about the Internet is how long it will take for corporations to figure out how to co-opt it, the same way they did the media, restaurants, and rock & roll.

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, February 16, 2012

“We have a new frontrunner for the Republicans, Rick Santorum… the little creep that could.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon’s new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm’s way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.” – Seth Meyers

“Rick Santorum is being criticized for saying women might not be suited for military combat because of their emotions. Yeah, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That comment is unacceptable — also, what are emotions?’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and fuck the French.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.” – Bill Maher

“Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will position him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that’s reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.” – Seth Meyers

“Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes.” – Bill Maher

“The other weakness is an ability to find a candidate he can beat. If there was just some way he could run against Mitt Romney.” – Bill Maher

“Have you noticed Romney doesn’t even blow dry his hair anymore? He dries naturally from Rick Santorum breathing down his neck.” – Jay Leno

“You can tell that this Santorum surge has Mitt Romney a little rattled. He was at the CPAC Convention today, and he showed up in a sweater vest with a fetus in a jar.” – Bill Maher

“At the big conservative CPAC convention today, Newt Gingrich was introduced by his wife Calista. She said, ‘Newt Gingrich is a man you can trust. I can’t trust him, but you, you people…'” – Jay Leno

“Tomorrow we will find out the results of the Maine caucus. This is a tough choice for Maine voters – do they go with the guy who is intolerant of gays and premarital sex, or the guy who is really intolerant of gays and premarital sex? It’s quite a choice…” – Jay Leno

“Contraception is back in the news, Planned Parenthood — issues that have been real losers for Republicans in the past, especially with women. Makes Republicans lose their votes, makes them seem out of touch, but they say, ‘We’ll worry about that when women get the vote.'” – Bill Maher

“Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” – Bill Maher

“Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama said a woman shouldn’t have to decide between birth control and buying food. How many guys would make this deal? You buy the birth control and we’ll spring for dinner. That seems fair.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is backing down and will not require religious institutions to cover birth control for their employees. He flip-flopped. You know what that means? Mitt Romney may be qualified to be president.” – Jay Leno

“On Tuesday President Barack Obama called New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin to congratulate him on his Super Bowl victory. He tried to call the Patriots too, but the call was dropped.” – Seth Meyers

“One time Lady Gaga showed up (at the Grammys) wearing a dress made of meat. One time she showed up in a giant egg. One time she showed up strapped to the top of Mitt Romney’s car.” – David Letterman

“Donald Trump is criticizing the Scottish government for trying to build a wind farm near his golf resort. That makes sense — I mean, if you look at Trump’s hair, wind is clearly his worst enemy.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Supreme Constitutionalist

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The conservative rag American Spectator is calling for Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to resign. They say “If she can no longer support and defend the Constitution, as she is sworn to do, she should leave — and take the New York Times with her.”

What brought this on? It turns out that during a recent visit to Egypt, Ginsburg told the Egyptian people (who are drafting a new constitution) that they should look at newer constitutions like the ones used by South Africa and Canada, or at the European Convention on Human Rights, rather than at the US Constitution.

The US Constitution is the oldest constitution still in force. By analogy, it is the Windows 3.1 of constitutions. One of its problems is how difficult it is to amend, so it has trouble keeping up. Even Thomas Jefferson said that constitutions naturally expire every 19 years, because “the earth belongs always to the living generation.”

I remember an experiment a few years ago where some constitutional organization rewrote the Bill of Rights to put it in more modern (but equivalent) language and tried to get a number of Congressmen and other politicians to sign it, and they all refused. So our own politicians don’t seem to be in favor of at least a major part of our constitution.

But what makes this whole story hypocritical is that the American Spectator took Ginsburg’s comments totally out of context. They ignored her stirring praise for the First Amendment, her references to the “genius” of our Constitution, and her statement of how powerful it is that our Constitution places power in “We the People”.

Wasn’t it just a few months ago that Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia told the Senate Judiciary Committee that the US Constitution is vastly inferior to that of the now defunct Soviet Union? He said:

The bill of rights of the former evil empire, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, was much better than ours. I mean it literally. It was much better. We guarantee freedom of speech and of the press, big deal! The guaranteed freedom of speech, of the press of street demonstrations and anyone who is caught trying to suppress criticism of the government will be called to account.

Are they calling for Scalia to resign?

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Selective Religion

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Republicans have been accusing Obama of waging war on the Catholic Church, if not on religion in general, because he won’t let the church have its way on issues like birth control.

However, the same politicians who are attacking Obama have voted against the Catholic Church in a number of other (even bigger) policy issues. Are they waging a war on the Catholic Church, or are they just being hypocritical for political gain?

Juan Cole in AlterNet has put together a list of Catholic teachings that conservatives ignore or reject, while at the same time obsessing about birth control:

  1. Pope John Paul II was against the war in Iraq.
  2. The Conference of Catholic Bishops denounced the Bush use of preemptive war.
  3. The bishops require that health care be provided to all Americans.
  4. The Catholic Church opposes the death penalty for criminals.
  5. The Conference of Catholic Bishops wants the federal minimum wage to be increased.
  6. The same US bishops also want welfare for all needy families.
  7. They also say “the basic rights of workers must be respected — the right to productive work, to decent and fair wages, to the organization and joining of unions…”
  8. The US bishops also demand the withdrawal of Israel from Palestinian territories occupied in 1967.
  9. They also condemn Arizona’s law on immigrants and suggest that it is a harbinger of American Nazism. They say that illegal immigrants should not be treated as criminals.

How do the Republican presidential candidates stand on these issues?

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Late Night Political Humor

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

“Mitt Romney said today that he learned something. There are things that money can’t buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri.” – Jay Leno

“Romney’s campaign is in such bad shape, today he moved the part in his hair even further to the right.” – Jay Leno

“This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘middle class.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he’s too affluent. Romney was talking about his father’s humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I’ll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” – Conan O’Brien

“But he is not quitting. Romney says he will keep fighting. And you can take that all the way to the Swiss bank.” – Jay Leno

“It was a bad night for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he’s mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” – Conan O’Brien

“After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn’t believe in evolution.” – Jay Leno

“I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s personal photo. It’s him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he’s in there getting a vasectomy.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump announced this week he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. Today, President Obama demanded to see his long-form builder’s permit.” – Jay Leno

“Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word ‘iPad’ is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, ‘Ah, you get used to it.’” – Jimmy Fallon

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Happy Valentine’s Day!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


© Joel Pett

I guess it is a love-hate relationship.


© Tony Auth

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Bain Capitalism Run Amok

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


© Tom Tomorrow

I usually don’t like comics like this, where they make fun of a politician for something they didn’t actually do (especially when there are plenty of things they did do that are just as bad). But this one is making a good (albeit subtle) point. The vampire capitalism practiced by companies like Romney’s Bain Capital (and largely made possible by obscure tax loopholes) is hard for the average person to relate to. Tom Tomorrow makes the point that if Romney really believes that corporations are people, then harvesting the “organs” of corporations is analogous to harvesting the real organs of real people.

Or maybe I only get the joke because I used to work as a CEO?

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