“Analysts say a key voting bloc this election year will be women called ‘Birth Control Moms.’ They’re moms who use birth control, but apparently not correctly.” – Conan O’Brien
“Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you’re not an outsider. You’re just unpopular.” – Jay Leno
“Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty.” – Jay Leno
“Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. – Jimmy Kimmel
“This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won’t watch a baseball game because there’s a pitcher and a catcher.” – Jay Leno
“He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean.” – Jay Leno
“He is so conservative that he won’t masturbate because it involves sex with a guy.” – Jay Leno
“Today Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran’s nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today is Ash Wednesday, and all over the country people are giving things up for Lent. In my opinion, Rick Santorum should give up chocolate while Newt Gingrich should give up, stop — that’s it, he should just give up.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Mitt Romney had some ashes on his head. He’s not Catholic. It was soot from his campaign blowing up in his face.” – Jay Leno
“A known white supremacist has been working with a known black gang leader to make and distribute crystal meth. A white supremacist works side by side with a black gang member, and the Republicans still can’t agree on Mitt Romney. That doesn’t make any sense.” – Jay Leno
“It’s National Pancake Week. Of course Mitt Romney was in a debate tonight, so it’s also National Waffle Week.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This artificial hamburger technology is not perfected. To make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost $400,000 per hamburger. The first 10 have already been ordered by Mitt Romney.” – Craig Ferguson
“During a concert at the White House yesterday, President Obama got on stage and performed with Mick Jagger. Apparently, Obama wanted to prove to Republicans that he could work with a rich old white guy.” – Conan O’Brien
“At the White House they’re recovering after last night’s big concert. Mick Jagger played. President Obama said it was refreshing to see an old white guy who wasn’t running against him.” – Craig Ferguson
“Congressman Barney Frank is getting married soon — to another guy. Usually congressmen only do that sort of thing in secret.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Sunday is the Academy Awards. I talked to a friend of mine at the academy, and the odds-on favorite is ‘The Help.’ It’s all about housekeepers being pursued by Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – David Letterman
