Political Irony

“A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.” – Conan O’Brien

“While visiting a GM plant President Obama pledged to buy a Chevy Volt after his presidency ends in five years. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘Make it one year and I’ll buy it for you.’” – Jay Leno

“It’s been a good week for Romney. He won Arizona, Michigan, and Wyoming. He said this is the best week of his life since they lowered the capital gains tax.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is having a lot of trouble connecting to the common person. So he’s trying a little too hard. In an interview yesterday, Romney said that he has worn a garbage bag as rain gear. He said it’s easy. All he had to do is dump out the hundred-dollar bills and throw the bag over his head.” – Conan O’Brien

“I think Romney’s a good man but he just doesn’t inspire people. Even his new campaign slogan: ‘I guess you’re stuck with me.’” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so conservative, he won’t even shop at Dick’s Sporting Goods. He wants mailmen to stop wearing those shorts. He thinks a threesome is playing golf with two other guys. He’s so conservative, he won’t even shop at a store that has parking in the rear.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has promised to bring gas down to $2.50 a gallon. That’s what Newt should be doing, running a gas station!” – Jay Leno

“We have the lovely actress Julianne Moore on the show tonight. She’s playing Sarah Palin in the new HBO movie “Game Change.” It’s about the 2008 election. Believe me, that was a tough role to prepare for, playing Sarah Palin. She had to spend over six months not studying anything.” – Jay Leno

“Opening in New Jersey tomorrow is the circus. They put up the big tent, although this year it’s Governor Christie’s pants.” – David Letterman

“A new study found that government employees are the happiest workers. The study was not conducted at the DMV.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney won in Michigan last night. It was certainly a close race — a real nail-biter or, in Romney’s case, a real manicure.” – David Letterman

“Last night Mitt Romney came in first place in the Michigan primary, although he barely won. Incidentally, ‘barely one’ is also the total number of votes Ron Paul received.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney is so excited, he almost loosened his tie.” – Jay Leno

“They went crazy celebrating. A friend of mine who was in campaign headquarters said that after he won and the lights were turned off and people were going home, Romney took off his jacket and chugged a glass of tap water.” – David Letterman

“Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he’s Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Gas prices are so high that Mitt Romney’s wife can only afford to drive one Cadillac.” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney is so closed-minded that he would have fired Christopher Columbus. Romney denied it, saying, ‘Are you kidding me? A man with three boats, that’s my kind of guy.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“In yesterday’s Michigan primary, Newt Gingrich actually came in fourth place. Or as the ice cream in his freezer put it, it’s gonna be a long night.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?” – David Letterman

“Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven’t seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill.” – Jay Leno

“It’s being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.” – Conan O’Brien

“I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that electoral college is not for everyone. Not everyone needs to go the electoral college.” – Jay Leno

© Lalo Alcaraz

And a drug whore at that.

Limbaugh issued a rather lame apology on his website for calling a woman a “slut” and a “prostitute”, but it doesn’t seem like that is going to be enough. Despite the apology, two more sponsors have pulled the plug on Limbaugh, bringing the total number of advertisers who have jumped ship to eight.

UPDATE: Conservative George Will says that GOP leaders have avoided criticizing Limbaugh’s comments because they fear Rush Limbaugh:

Boehner comes out and says Rush’s language was inappropriate. Using the salad fork for your entrée, that’s inappropriate. Not this stuff. And it was depressing because what it indicates is that the Republican leaders are afraid of Rush Limbaugh. They want to bomb Iran, but they’re afraid of Rush Limbaugh.

© Lee Judge

The North Koreans have decided they would rather have food than nuclear weapons. However, the voice of the Republican party Rush Limbaugh seems to be going nuclear all on his own.

“Rick Santorum now says he’s against separation of church and state. But he’s not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.” – David Letterman

“Rick, I’m sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him shit his pants.” – Jon Stewart

“As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.” – Conan O’Brien

“Now Romney and Santorum are battling over who’s more conservative. I think Santorum… he’s more conservative. This guy is so conservative, as a kid, he refused to play with an erector set.” – Jay Leno

“Santorum is so conservative he won’t go to a junkyard out of fear that he might see another man’s junk. That’s how bad.” – Jay Leno

“He won’t even blow his own soup.” – Jay Leno

“He thinks a dirty Sanchez is a quarterback for the New York Jets.” – Jay Leno

“Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.” – Stephen Colbert (on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college)

“Due to the rising price of oil and gas, the Obama administration announced today they are considering dipping into our national strategic re-election reserves. I mean, I’m sorry — strategic oil reserves.” – Jay Leno

“A crazy billionaire is going to give Newt Gingrich $100 million. Gingrich is so excited. He said, ‘Wow, now I can come pretty close to settling up my bill at Tiffany’s.’” – David Letterman

“The Daytona 500 was supposed to be yesterday but it was rained out. Over the weekend Mitt Romney went to Daytona. I think he was collecting motor oil for his hair.” – Craig Ferguson

“The house in Pakistan where Osama bin Laden was killed has been demolished. But not before each member of SEAL Team 6 was allowed to bring one date there.” – Conan O’Brien