Political Irony

[reprinted from The Borowitz Report]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The following message was released today by the National Alliance of Funeral Directors:

This week, several Republican Supreme Court Justices have argued that the Affordable Care Act supported by the Obama Administration is unconstitutional. At the National Alliance of Funeral Directors, we couldn’t agree more.

It was Revolutionary War hero Patrick Henry who said, in 1775, “Give me liberty or give me death.” From that moment on, legal scholars have agreed that the Constitution guarantees every American the liberty to be dead. Here at the Alliance, we will fight for your right to be dead to the death.

Let’s take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the Constitution, which protects every American’s right to shoot another American. It says nothing about giving the person who is shot health insurance to prevent him from dying. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently Florida.

In commenting on the Affordable Care Act this week, Justice Samuel Alito compared the Obama healthcare plan to burial insurance. Coincidentally, burial insurance is the Republican healthcare plan, and one that we enthusiastically support. Under this plan, every American would be mandated to buy a coffin from one of our member-owned and operated funeral homes. May we recommend the Peaceful Valley Royale,™ a luxury mahogany casket with sienna satin interior and the finest imitation antique nickel handles ($2899).

As the organization representing America’s funeral directors, gravediggers, embalmers and cremators, we are confident that the Supreme Court will ultimately do the right thing and decide that healthcare flies in the face of every American’s constitutional right to the pursuit of deadness. And when they do, we’ll be waiting for you.

Sincerely,

The National Alliance of Funeral Directors

“March Madness started again today with the start of the round known as the Sweet 16. President Obama’s bracket was in the top 2 percent of everyone who makes picks on ESPN.com. I guess it helps when you can send the CIA in to scout the teams.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama did this last year, too. Once again, he is out of touch with regular hard-working Americans who don’t know how to bet on college basketball.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At the White House this week, President Obama and the first lady hosted a St. Patrick’s Day reception for the Irish prime minister. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.” – Jay Leno

“The candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Why do they tell us? You’d think that should be secret.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney picked ‘Javelin’ as his Secret Service code name. Rick Santorum chose ‘Petris’ because that’s his grandfather’s name. Barack Obama chose ‘Gas prices are not my fault.’” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum calls himself the only true conservative in the race. He is so conservative he thinks Levitra is a pill that helps you throw a football through a tire swing.” – Jay Leno

“He is so conservative, he won’t even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself’. That’s how conservative.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday was a crazy day for Tim Tebow. They said he was with the Jets, then they said there was a snag, he might not be. Then they said he could go with the Rams or with the Jaguars. The last two days he’s been traded back and forth more than Rod Blagojevich on that first night in prison.” – Jay Leno

“There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for president and paid with campaign funds. Do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man’s reputation.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is Ann and Mitt Romney’s 43rd wedding anniversary. This means that 43 years ago Mitt proposed to his wife and due to a weak field of candidates, she said yes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rick Santorum wants to ban pornography. That’s one of the few thriving industries America has left.” – David Letterman

“John McCain’s daughter Megan is going to be in the April issue of Playboy. I’m just glad John’s not alive to see this.” – David Letterman

“This weekend President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday the prime minister of Ireland made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is calling on Iran to give its citizens better access to the Internet. Right now they only have one social networking site: ‘Cover-Your-Face Book.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s what I like about Rod Blagojevich. If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. And then you have to get elected, and then you have to go to federal prison. It’s just part of their tradition.” – David Letterman

“This Wednesday Mitt Romney goes one-on-one in a debate against the one man who stands in the way of his nomination: Mitt Romney.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Massachusetts moderate squares off with die-hard conservative Romney on the issues. Man versus machine. Romney versus Romney.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Rick Santorum said he’s not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November.” – David Letterman

“Last week a tourist in Puerto Rico took a picture of Rick Santorum shirtless on the beach. I don’t want to say he looked chubby, but his new Secret Service code name is ‘Newt Gingrich.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right — Rick Santorum was seen lying on the beach without his shirt on. He would have worn sunscreen, but he’s not really into protection.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Some top Republicans are urging Newt Gingrich to leave the race, but he says he’s sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“When I heard the Republicans were in President Obama’s home state, I said, ‘They’re holding a primary in Kenya?'” – Craig Ferguson

“According to a new book, President Obama blames Fox News for his political problems and losing voters. How could Fox News lose voters? If you’re watching Fox News, you’re probably not voting for him in the first place.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday Vice President Joe Biden said the killing of Osama bin Laden was the most audacious plan in the last 500 years. Biden then unveiled his new line of steak knives and said, ‘Until now!'” – Conan O’Brien