Political Irony

“President Obama’s popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney.” – Jay Leno

“Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?” – David Letterman

“Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.” – David Letterman

“Hot dogs and pizza don’t go together. It’s like Rush Limbaugh and skinny jeans — it just shouldn’t happen.” – Craig Ferguson

“Miami Marlins’ manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.” – Jay Leno

© Jack Ohman

So, who do you think Romney will pick for his Veep?

© Ruben Bolling

Actually, I wish it worked more like this.

“Happy Holiday weekend! This, of course, is both Passover and Easter. In fact, did you see what Romney did tonight? I think he’s trying too hard to get votes; he went to a Seder dressed as the Easter bunny.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has spent $53 million on ads, and Rick Santorum has spent $9 million. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich drew a poster with his name on it and showed up in the background of the ‘Today’ show.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Tomorrow night, President Obama is hosting a special showing of the film ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ on the USA Network. And Mitt Romney will be hosting a showing of the film ‘Wall Street.’” – Jay Leno

“According to a recent study, most people think that they are thinner than they really are. Which explains why the other day I saw Newt Gingrich buying a Speedo at Forever 21.” –Jimmy Fallon

“You know what’s funny? Both President Obama and Mitt Romney are calling each other ‘out of touch.’ See, being considered ‘out of touch’ is bad for a candidate. On the other hand, as Herman Cain and John Edwards have showed us, touching too much is also bad… there’s a fine line. A very fine line.” – Jay Leno

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants airport security workers to be nicer to foreigners. Could we be any nicer? They cross our borders whenever they want, they get jobs, they get bargain college tuition, we give them driver’s licenses, we never ask them to leave. How much nicer can we be?” – Jay Leno

Ranker has a funny round-up of Rick Santorum jokes.

Here are a few they collected from Twitter:

Breaking: Rick Santorum to “suspend” his presidential campaign. But he won’t terminate it without forcing it to get an ultrasound first.

“For a few short months back in 2012 ‘Santorum’ meant shitty banal rube, not shitty anal lube. Weird, right?” – The Future

Just wiped my ass with a sweater vest.

I really don’t want to read “Santorum, pulling out” again.

These are from just one of their top 20 Santorum jokes. Go read the rest.

UPDATE: Daniel Kurtzman has also collected the best Rick Santorum jokes, comics, and quotes. Here are a few he collected from Andy Borowitz:

It took Romney millions of dollars and months of attacks to narrowly defeat a mental patient in a sweater vest.

I don’t blame Santorum for not believing in evolution. It’s really let him down.

Santorum made his very first sweater vest when he tore the arms off his straitjacket.

“The earth’s population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can’t find one candidate they really like.” – Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum’s campaign is now formally calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race. But you know Newt. He has vowed to stay in. And believe me, when Newt Gingrich takes a vow, he keeps it — unless, of course, you know, marriage.” – Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? According to a new book coming out, Governor Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!” – Jay Leno

“According to this new book, Perry had back surgery, and he’s now saying that his campaign was derailed by pain pills. Now don’t confuse that with Herman Cain’s campaign, which was derailed by Viagra pills. That was a totally different deal.” – Jay Leno

“Google announced they are making glasses that have embedded technology that projects data on the lenses in front of your eyes. Some people formed a group online to stop the new technology. An online group to stop new technology — does anybody see the irony here?” – Craig Ferguson

“The protesters say Google is underestimating the dangers of merging man with machine. Well, they’re a little late to stop that half-man, half-cyborg thing. They’re already here. One of them just captured the Republican nomination.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new picture was just released of President Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa — look at that guy’s ears!’” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn’t you think that was already illegal?” – Jay Leno

“So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn’t they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” – Jay Leno