Political Irony

© Mike Lester

So that’s why they wear those wires.

“Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In conjunction with Earth Day, the Dutch electronics company Philips released a revolutionary new light bulb designed to last 20 years. Do you think when the guy thought of this, a light bulb went off over his head?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m enjoying this Secret Service scandal. It turned out to be a frisking that got out of control.” – David Letterman

“Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards.” – Conan O’Brien

“One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I’m thinking, now wait a minute. I’ve got no problem with a guy trying to save taxpayer dollars.” – David Letterman

“These are jobs that should’ve gone to American hookers.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn’t work, Obama’s going to resort to his second proposal, ‘free pizza in my room.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney has launched a new drive to appeal to Hispanic voters. Unfortunately, his new slogan is ‘Mitt Romney — I probably employ one of your cousins.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich’s campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he’s no longer attacking the poor because he is one.” – Jay Leno

“The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney.” – Bill Maher (on the Secret Service prostitution scandal)

“One of the agents involved in the scandal was on Sarah Palin’s detail in 2008 when she was running for vice president. And he posted a picture on his Facebook – apparently he had a little crush on her – of him standing behind her kind of smirking and saying, ‘I’m checking her out.’ Which is more than you can say for the McCain campaign.” – Bill Maher

“Of course Sarah Palin has to answer this. Today she said, you know what, people are always checking me out. She said, ‘I can’t count the number of times when I’m walking away, and I hear someone say, ‘What an ass.'” – Bill Maher

“Yesterday the Secret Service said they’re interviewing rock star Ted Nugent because of remarks that he made that made them think he might be threatening the President’s life. Now look, I don’t agree with Ted Nugent on almost anything. But to call him a threat is ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as to call him a rock star, but ridiculous nevertheless.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is unbelievable. There is no level to which he will not stoop. Famously Mitt Romney strapped the dog to the roof of the car. So this week the Romney campaign put out that Obama, when he was six years old living in Indonesia, he ate dog meat and grasshoppers. You know, the number 12. He was six years old! The White House released a statement today saying the president was so sickened by this charge that he ate some grass and threw up.” – Bill Maher

“I think the Republican Party is at war with common sense. I think if the Democrats came out against eating yellow snow, Rick Perry would eat yellow snow.” – Bill Maher (regarding Rick Perry and other Republican governors eating hamburgers with “pink slime“)

“I think Republicans live in a world now where whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong, and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth.” – Bill Maher

“Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something.” – Bill Maher

Jimmy Fallon has a special musical guest on his show, live from the University of North Carolina:

© Tim Campbell

Is it too late to turn the Republican Party around?