Political Irony

“This story just keeps getting bigger and bigger. CNN said Secret Service agents may have visited a strip club in El Salvador as well. Don’t you like that language, ‘they visited’? That’s what guys do when they go to strip clubs, they visit. ‘Hi, just visiting.’ No, you visit a hospital!” – Jay Leno

“Now allegations are coming out that the Secret Service were partying with strippers and hookers, not just in Colombia but in El Salvador, Buenos Aires, Moscow. You got to hand it to these guys. A lot of us look at the world and say, ‘F**k it.’ These people actually do it.” – Bill Maher

“Big medical news — according to the CDC, there’s been a huge increase in SSSTDs. Those are Secret Service Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Be careful.” – Jay Leno

“We’re learning more and more about that whole Secret Service sex scandal. Apparently the prostitutes in Colombia had code names for the different Secret Service guys they were seeing. I mentioned this the other night: the guy who kept wanting to change positions, his nickname was “Mitt.” The main guy who wanted to keep putting off paying for stuff until later… his nickname was “Obama.” Kind of interesting.” – Jay Leno

“After appearing on our show this week, President Obama has officially become the most televised president in history. Even Ryan Seacrest is like, ‘Dude, scale it back!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It looks like the Republicans are going back to the strategy of 2008 where Obama is characterized as a celebrity. Says the party who is gay for Ronald Reagan. Come on, you can’t worship Ronald Reagan and then attack Obama for being a celebrity. That’s like running Chris Christie and saying Obama has a fat ass.” – Bill Maher

“This week Mitt Romney’s Super PAC put out a new ad that tries to ridicule Obama because he was singing Al Green. Let that be a lesson to you aspiring politicians. If you must sing on the campaign trail, make it ‘America the Beautiful,’ off key, in mom jeans.” – Bill Maher

“Romney is going to have to pick a vice president and apparently it is between Chris Christie and the senator from Florida, Marco Rubio. So it’s between a Cuban American and a Cubic American.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and Oates.” – Bill Maher

“Other people say that Mitt should balance the ticket by picking someone who has taken all of the opposite positions of him, like himself.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney trying to compete for the youth vote told some kids that some of the places he hides his money are the same places they go to on spring break.” – Bill Maher

“A new campaign video by Barack Obama implies that Mitt Romney would not have killed Osama bin Laden if he had been president. Today Romney shot back. He said not only would he have killed bin Laden, he would have strapped him to the roof of his car and taken him on vacation with him as well.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney swept even more primaries. There was a big Mormon celebration afterward. People were drinking apple juice and eating animal crackers until nearly 9 p.m.” – Bill Maher

“Newt Gingrich is dropping out of the Republican race. People are wondering what Newt Gingrich will do. Well, right now he’s working on a half-hearted endorsement for Mitt Romney.” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich says he’s going to make an announcement on Tuesday that he’s suspending his presidential campaign. Yes, he’s letting us down gently. And also because technicians are still working on Callista to install her sad face.” – Bill Maher

“They’re calling Newt the biggest gas bag to go down since the Hindenburg.” – David Letterman

“New Rule: Let’s follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it’s worth. And we don’t need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don’t, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land.” – Bill Maher

“Have you been following this sleazy John Edwards’ trial? Oh my God. I tell you, this John Edwards, I don’t think he’s learned anything from all of this. Did you see what happened today? He got one of the jurors pregnant.” – Jay Leno

“The Census Bureau reports that the number of interracial couples has increased over 40% since 2000. The most common couplings are black and white, white and Hispanic, and NBA player and Kardashian.” – Conan O’Brien

Only Jon Stewart could get away with asking these questions:

“A new poll found that Michelle Obama has a much higher approval rating than Barack Obama. Which explains Barack’s new slogan, ‘Vote for Michelle Obama’s Husband.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is too focused on being cool. President Obama hasn’t responded to the ad because he’s too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction.” – Conan O’Brien

“While discussing the U.S. policy on Iran today, Joe Biden said that President Obama, quote, ‘has a big stick.’ In related news, Joe Biden is now banned from the White House steam room.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich says that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn’t that already the announcement? If you say next week I’ll announce I’m dropping out of the race, what’s the point of having the announcement next week?” – David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich is going to announce next week that he is dropping out of the presidential race. If you wonder why he’s waiting, it’s because it takes him that long to gather a crowd.” – Jay Leno

“Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he’s the best.” – Conan O’Brien

“A college student launched a group called African-Americans for Romney. After a couple of days he was forced to change the name to That Black Guy for Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is Bring Your Child to Work Day — or as it’s known at the iPad factory in China, Bring Your Parents to Work Day.” – Conan O’Brien

“Bring Your Child to Work Day — that’s how we got George W. Bush.” – David Letterman

“Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don’t know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.” – Jay Leno

“After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan. ‘Well, I guess you’re stuck with me.'” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he’s kind of stiff, he’s sort of cold, he’s sort of aloof. And I thought, ‘Well, wait a minute. Let’s look at the bright side of this.’ Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality.” – David Letterman

“Romney proves with a little hard work and a little luck, even a multi-millionaire white guy from Harvard can succeed in this country.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday’s show was incredible — we had the president of the United States, Barack Obama, on the show. Obama hung out with me backstage, he did ‘Slow Jam the News,’ he gave a long interview — at one point, I was like, ‘Dude, don’t you have a country to run?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republicans release a new anti-Obama attack ad. I can’t wait to hear what country he was born in now!” – Stephen Colbert

“In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic presidents at Disney world.” – David Letterman

From David Letterman’s “Top Ten Signs Your Boss Is A Jerk”: #1. Always nags you to guard the president instead of sleeping with hookers.

“Yesterday the Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, ‘I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'” – Conan O’Brien

The best jokes made by Barack Obama and Jimmy Kimmel:

On Obama

“Remember when the country rallied around you in hope for a better tomorrow? That was a good one.” – Kimmel

“What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.” – Obama

“I have not seen ‘The Hunger Games.’ Not enough class warfare.” – Obama

“This is how you know the country’s in bad shape. The president is starving. North Korea is sending him food aid.” – Kimmel (on Obama’s weight)

“There’s a term for President Obama. Not two terms.” – Kimmel

On Romney

“We both have degrees from Harvard. I have one, he has two. What a snob.” – Obama

“It’s nice to be here in the nice, vast Hilton ballroom. Or as Mitt Romney would call it, a fixer-upper.” – Obama

“He was so incensed that he asked if he could get some time on the Merv Griffin show.” – Obama (on Obama’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon)

On Republicans

“I guess it wasn’t Rick’s year. Rick’s year is 1954.” – Kimmel (on Rick Santorum)

“It’s great to see the Gingriches here. I guess that means the check cleared.” – Kimmel

“The reason he [House Speaker John Boehner] smokes so many cigarettes is because his tears keep putting them out.” – Kimmel

On Democrats

“Uggie [the dog] is amazing. He can roll over on command. He’s a Democrat.” – Kimmel

“We used to march. Now we Occupy.” – Kimmel (on America’s weight problem)

“Three Hillaries? That sounds like President Clinton’s worst nightmare.” – Kimmel (on Press Secretary Jay Carney knowing multiple Hilary Rosens)

“Four years ago I was locked in a primary battle with Hillary Clinton. Now she won’t stop drunk-texting me.” – Obama

On the Media

“I’d like everyone to look under their seats. Under each you’ll find a copy of Keith Olbermann’s resume.” – Kimmel

“What’s black and white and read all over? Nothing anymore.” – Kimmel

“There’s no one linking to as much hard-hitting journalism as you’re linking to.” – Obama (addressing Arianna Huffington)

On Celebrities

“If you’re looking for the biggest threat to America, it’s right there — Kim Kardashian.” – Kimmel

“Everything that is wrong with America is here in this room.” – Kimmel (after listing off the politicians, members of the media and celebrities in attendance)

“Jimmy got his start on “The Man Show.” In Washington that’s what we call a congressional hearing on contraception.” – Obama