Political Irony

Yogi Berra turned 87 on Saturday. Here are some great quotes from him:

1. Reciprocity – “Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise they won’t go to yours.”

2. Forward progress – “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

3. Again and again – “It’s déjà vu all over again.”

4. Individual space – “Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”

5. On observation – “You can observe a lot by watching.”

6. Perseverence – “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.”

7. Misquoted – “I really didn’t say everything I said.”

8. Inflation – “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

9. Cost conscious – “Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”

10. Miscalculation – “Ninety percent of the time the game is half mental.”

11. On the ’69 Amazing Mets – “We were overwhelming underdogs.”

12. Telling it like it is – “If you ask me a question I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.”

13. At the Ford White House, with a group of noisy politicians – “It was hard to have a conversation with anyone. There were too many people talking.”

14. To his wife, while driving to the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1972 – “We’re lost, but we’re making good time.”

15. Advice to a player trying to crowd the plate like Frank Robinson – “If you can’t imitate him, don’t copy him.”

16. On Yankee Stadium’s left field – “It gets late early out there.”

17. Advice on dealing with fan mail – “Never answer an anonymous letter.”

18. On declining baseball attendance – “If people don’t want to come the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?”

19. Where you’re headed – “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”

20. On a movie starring Steve McQueen – “He must have made that before he died.”

21. On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947 – “I want to thank you for making this day necessary.”

“France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. He surrendered.” – Jay Leno

“The French president got voted out. So ‘adieu’ to Nicolas Sarkozy. He’s riding his ‘bicyclette’ off into the sunset.” – Craig Ferguson

“France has a new president who lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday France elected a new president. When the French secret service hires prostitutes, it is not a scandal. It is called test driving mistresses for your boss.” – Craig Ferguson

“After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, ‘Uh-oh.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president’s exact words were, ‘I hope I won’t have to change my address.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has his new re-election campaign slogan. It’s just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?” – Jay Leno

“More details about the Secret Service scandal. The ‘Today’ show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In a new interview, Vice President Joe Biden said the sitcom ‘Will & Grace’ made America more comfortable with gay people. Biden also said the sitcom character Urkel made America more comfortable with President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday on CBS, Newt Gingrich said it would be ‘inconceivable’ for Mitt Romney to choose him as a running mate. And today, Romney issued a statement saying, ‘Yep.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The other big news, Obama’s big surprise visit to Afghanistan this week. And this was a surprise. I mean a surprise! I mean the Secret Service barely had time to get condoms and lube.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills.” – David Letterman

“Obama went to Afghanistan on the anniversary of killing bin Laden. He made a big speech about how we’re winning the war and how our troops are coming home. Of course, we’re not winning the war and the troops are not coming home. Other than that, a great speech.” – Bill Maher

“And the Republicans, of course, were livid that on the anniversary of the killing of bin Laden, that Obama went over there and celebrated that. How dare he run for President using his accomplishments as President. We knew his campaign would be ugly, but stooping to facts?” – Bill Maher

“Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up to celebrate a war he lost. If he had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume.” – Bill Maher

“And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of this. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan’s border to get bin Laden, this week said, ‘Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.’ Even his Etch-A-Sketch went, seriously?” – Bill Maher

“According to documents recovered from Osama Bin Laden’s compound before his death, the Al Qaeda leader was worried that morale in the terrorist organization was fading. Bin Laden was concerned that his men were so depressed they wouldn’t commit suicide.” – Seth Meyers

“We are learning more and more from those newly released documents from Osama bin Laden’s compound. For example, it said bin Laden was not a great businessman — like when he bought a bomb the salesmen would always trick him into buying the extended warranty.” – Jay Leno

“The documents also revealed that a spokesperson for Al Qaeda had said that Fox News ‘lacks neutrality.’ I’m not usually one to defend Fox News but right back at ya, Al Qaeda.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama on Monday unveiled his re-election slogan, ‘Forward.’ Which is strange because it seems like every forward I get is Anti-Obama.” – Seth Meyers

“This week the president unveiled his new campaign slogan, ‘Forward.’ … And Mitt Romney unveiled his slogan, ‘My money might be offshore, but my heart’s right here in America.'” – Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has dropped out of the presidential race. Next stop: ‘Dancing with the Stars.'” – David Letterman

“New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a ‘wild ride.’ Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland.” – Bill Maher

“Now Newt will not be able to fulfill his lifelong dream of losing by a landslide.” – David Letterman

“Mitt’s wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there’s another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace.” – David Letterman

“Mitt got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney.” – Bill Maher

“Tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo, of course, celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. You know, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you’re probably an alcoholic already.” – Jay Leno

“In an effort to curtail health costs, the Food and Drug Administration is now considering allowing the purchase of drugs without a prescription. You know what that means? One day Americans could actually be able to buy marijuana without ever seeing a doctor.” – Jay Leno

“More than 330 million shares of Facebook stock will be sold later this month. It’s great – now you can own a piece of the website that completely owns YOU.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama hosts an early Cinco de Mayo White House party today. I thought it was weird when he made all the guests climb over the fence to get in.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama has promised now that we’ll be out of Afghanistan by 2024. That’s just right around the corner. That’s the same deal I have with CBS.” – David Letterman

“Well, as you know, President Obama was in Afghanistan earlier this week, as part of his big ‘Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?’ tour.” – Jay Leno

“The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words. I think they were, ‘Who’s knocking on my door at this hour?'” – Jay Leno

“A new biography about the president states that he took ‘artistic liberties’ in his memoir and says that he ‘fictionalized details for narrative clarity.’ That means President Obama just made some crap up. How is this news? He’s a politician. How do you think he got to be the president? You make crap up. You want to be a senator, you come out of college, you start lying and you just don’t quit.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person … So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary economic plan. It’s all the same.” – Jay Leno

“It’s weird to me what Obama chose to fabricate in his memoir. It wasn’t something cool he made up, like hitting six home runs in a little league game, or faking his own birth certificate. No, it was something lame. He just compressed the details of several girlfriends into one character. I’m thinking, oh, very smooth. Because if there’s one thing I know that women love, it’s being blurred together with other women.” – Craig Ferguson

“Hey, did you guys hear about this? Last week, the brakes on President Obama’s limousine were apparently damaged while he was in Georgia. Yeah, Obama tried to call AAA, while Biden tried to call the Geico gecko.” – Jimmy Fallon