Political Irony

“Shares of Facebook stock dropped from the opening day price of $38 to around $34 today. They say if it drops any lower, Mitt Romney will swoop in and divide it up into Face and Book.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Facebook is worth $100 billion. Today it was friended by Greece.” – David Letterman

“Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you’re not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.” – Craig Ferguson

“Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend got married — one day after Facebook raised $16 billion on the stock market. Zuckerberg listed the 10 things he loves about her, while she listed the 16 billion things she loves about him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That Facebook guy, Mark Zuckerberg, got married over the weekend. His company goes public, and he’s now worth $100 billion. Then he gets married. He may not be as smart as we thought. His wife’s a lovely woman. He stole her from the Winklevoss twins.” – David Letterman

“Mark Zuckerberg got married. Their reception was annoying, though. Right when everyone got used to the seating arrangement, Zuckerberg changed the layout for no reason.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Some people use Facebook to check up on ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. That just seems creepy to me. I like it the old-fashioned way. If you want to check up on an ex, go through their trash.” – Craig Ferguson

“Al Gore has a new girlfriend. Apparently, it’s getting pretty serious. He’s already been over to bore her parents.” – Jay Leno

“Gore and his girlfriend were spotted taking long walks on the beach, measuring how much the sea is rising.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs.” – Jay Leno

“On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently it’s a North Korean rocket.” – Jay Leno

“I know why you’re happy. Facebook went public and you’re all billionaires now. It is worth one hundred and four billion dollars. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat.” – Bill Maher

“Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He’s renounced his U.S. citizenship because it’ll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, ‘That’s what the Cayman Islands are for.'” – Jay Leno

“According to a new poll by the New York Times, Mitt Romney now has a small lead over President Obama. Which proves once and for all that money can’t buy you happiness, but it comes in handy when you’re running for president, doesn’t it?” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney and his family have a big two-day weekend plan. They’re going to hike to the top of his money.” – David Letterman

“If I were a Republican I would be a little leery about bringing up Reverend Wright because some shocking information came in today about Romney’s pastor … he’s Mormon. Really weird stuff.” – Bill Maher

“This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, ‘Not bad’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school assholes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush.” – Bill Maher

“Speaking of the Mitt Romney, there are reports that he may attend the London Olympics this summer. Romney’s psyched to watch wrestling – cuz it’s the only place where someone changes positions more than he does.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Rule: Now that Rick Santorum has endorsed Mitt Romney in the 13th paragraph of a late-night email, and George W. Bush one-upped him by endorsing him through the closing doors of an elevator, Ron Paul must top them all by scrawling the word “Mitt” on a Post-it and slipping it to reporters under a bathroom stall while taking a dump.” – Bill Maher

“Ron Paul did not endorse Mitt Romney, and this happens to a lot of people. They say his hatred for Romney comes from a phenomenon called ‘meeting him.'” – Bill Maher

“They teach that the Earth is 5,000 years old, and dinosaur fossils washed up in Noah’s flood. This is a school you flunk out of when you get the answers right.” –Bill Maher (on Mitt Romney’s speech at Liberty University)

“When you confuse a church with a school it mixes up the things you believe – religion – with the things we know – education. Then you start thinking that creationism is science, and gay aversion is psychology, and praying away hurricanes is meteorology.” – Bill Maher

‎”Conservatives often say that gay marriage cheapens their marriage. Well, I think a diploma from Liberty cheapens my degree from a real school.” – Bill Maher

“Our good friend Chris Matthews on MSNBC was on ‘Jeopardy’ the other day and get got his butt killed. He was so embarrassed. The good news? He got so many facts wrong today he was offered a job at Fox News.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama was on ‘The View.’ An awkward moment back stage when Elizabeth Hasselback shot him in self-defense.” – Bill Maher

“Did you see this? A spokesperson for President Obama’s campaign says that a new Republican attack ad is quote ‘B.S.’ Then Biden was like, ‘Ugh…I hate when you spell words so I can’t understand you’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The defense has rested in the John Edwards trial. The jury can now find Edwards guilty of misusing campaign funds, which is a felony, or just find him guilty of the lesser charge of misdemeanor douchebaggery.” – Jay Leno

“For the first time in our history, more minority children were born in America than white children. And today the Octomom said, ‘I’m on it.'” – Bill Maher

“JPMorgan lost $3 billion in their first quarter and today they lost yet another $1 billion. Turns out they bet on the Lakers. I don’t know what JPMorgan is doing. They announced today they are moving their entire headquarters to Greece.” – Jay Leno

“Cher sent out a tweet that got some attention. She said if Mitt Romney gets elected, she doesn’t know if she can breathe the same air as him. In the event that Romney does get elected, I want to offer Cher a place to live. It’s the Cher biodome, complete with a year supply of air and Rice-A-Roni where Cher can live, be happy, and have peace.” – Conan O’Brien

“If you didn’t for any reason laugh at the Cher biodome joke, it’s probably for two reasons. One, it’s not that funny. And two, if you’re a younger viewer, you have no idea who Cher is.” – Conan O’Brien

“During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, ‘That’s ridiculous. Some of my best friends’ gardeners are middle class.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that’s not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on earth, which is where we live. I wish Arnold Schwarzenegger was still governor. He would know what to do.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the earth’s orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn’t panic. You know, if you didn’t want us to panic, maybe you shouldn’t have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the earth.” – Jimmy Kimmel