Political Irony

“President Obama just played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father’s Day. Donald Trump – always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody’s parade – Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s scorecard.” – David Letterman

“President Obama spent about four hours on Father’s Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He’s played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, Obama’s staff is a little concerned. They’re concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising.” – Jay Leno

“Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.” – Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president. He’s down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. He said ‘I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.’ There’s no word on how Obama responded.” – Craig Ferguson

“Regular guy Mitt Romney is on a bus tour…he’s on a bus through the Midwest called ‘Believe in America’ because ‘Mormon Thunder’ was taken.” – Bill Maher

“Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side.” – Bill Maher

“Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children — except it turned out they weren’t Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, ‘Enter around back.'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool.” – Bill Maher

“Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama’s speech, Romney’s bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge.” – Bill Maher

“This really was the campaign in a nutshell. Talk about two divergent messages. They were doing this on the same day in the same state. Obama said, ‘The Republicans drove the economy into the ditch and now I’m trying to drive it out.’ And Romney said, ‘Look, a black guy’s stealing our car!” – Bill Maher

“Obama went to Ground Zero. He went up in the new skyscraper being built in the shadow of the World Trade Center, and he inscribed one of the steel beams. He wrote, ‘We remember, we rebuild, we come back stronger.’ Which was very poignant, especially since Bush had written on it, ‘We got hit, I sat in a chair, I peed my pants.’ And he misspelled chair.” – Bill Maher

“Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker’s apartment, and the Republicans of course say, ‘This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'” – Bill Maher

“There’s a rumor going around that suggests President Obama may legalize marijuana as an October surprise to win the election. And if he doesn’t win, at least he’ll have a way to mellow out later.” – Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn’t want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself.” – David Letterman

“There’s talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marijuana. Which explains why he’s moving his family from the White House to White Castle.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Federal prosecutors announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he’s available!” – Jay Leno

“Charges against John Edwards have been dropped; charges against Lance Armstrong have been reinstated… So let’s clarify – it’s okay to cheat on your wife and use millions of dollars in campaign funds to cover it up, but God help you if you’re an American who wins a bicycle race in France. You are screwed.” – Jay Leno

“Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?” – Jay Leno

“Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they’re not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It’s now a gated community.” – Jay Leno

“The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival.” – Conan O’Brien

“TV icon Betty White visited President Obama in the Oval Office this week. The last time Betty visited the White House, it was still under construction.” – Jay Leno

“Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House she was stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom – with Lincoln.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is going to a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house. It will be a formal, sit-down dinner for 200 in her shoe closet.” – Conan O’Brien

“The commerce secretary, a guy named John Bryson – have you heard about this? He got cited for felony hit-and-run here in California, after he crashed into a car, got out, talked to the other driver, got back in his car, crashed into the other car again, drove away, and then crashed into another car. He’s now taking a leave of absence. The good news? It’s the first new job the White House has created all year. That’s good news!” – Jay Leno

“Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show ‘Dallas’ with Larry Hagman. … The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over.” – Craig Ferguson

“Have you seen this video that’s gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It’s all over the web. At first he said, ‘Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?’ That’s why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it’s Chris Christie.” – Jay Leno

“China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn’t want to go.” – Jay Leno

“According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy. What’s next, boxing?” – Jay Leno

“Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” – Jay Leno

“Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he’s never been on a bus.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, ‘That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, ‘I’m Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.” – David Letterman

“You know what he did with that money? He took Warren Buffett to lunch.” – David Letterman

“A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, ‘Hey, that’s MY thing!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he’s found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state’s governor.” – Conan O’Brien

“The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he’s gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rand Paul… do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet… Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That’s got to make for an awkward Father’s Day this Sunday, doesn’t it? “Hey pop, what do you want for Father’s Day?” “I don’t know; a little support might be nice!” – Jay Leno

“Ron Paul’s son is a senator from Kentucky, and he’s now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay.” – David Letterman

“A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House.” – Jay Leno

“Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, ‘Why didn’t I think of that? I had a seizure.'” – Jay Leno