Skip to content

Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, June 21, 2012

“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who is 66 years old today. The first thing he did this morning – he demanded to see his own birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn’t want a big party so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They had a great party for Donald Trump with a beautiful cake. It was 50 stories high with retail and parking. They even had a clown. It was Donald himself.” – David Letterman

“There’s talk that this October President Obama might announce his support for legalizing marijuana. Which explains why he’s moving his family from the White House to White Castle.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Federal prosecutors announced they are dropping all charges against John Edwards. So ladies, he’s available!” – Jay Leno

“Charges against John Edwards have been dropped; charges against Lance Armstrong have been reinstated… So let’s clarify – it’s okay to cheat on your wife and use millions of dollars in campaign funds to cover it up, but God help you if you’re an American who wins a bicycle race in France. You are screwed.” – Jay Leno

“Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea – something so corrupt and unethical attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical?” – Jay Leno

“Happy Flag Day. Flag Day is the day in which we honor the symbol of our nation and the 8-year-old Chinese kids who make them for us for a nickel apiece.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they’re not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It’s now a gated community.” – Jay Leno

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

Mitt n’ Mike

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

[This is from one of our regular readers. It is a follow-up from an earlier post.]

From: The Office of Mike Lee, Chocowinity, NC

To: Mr. Mitt Romney, Campaign Trail 2012

Dear Mitt,

I have not heard from you yet but I’m sure you are very busy on the campaign trail. I imagine just tying everything down to the campaign bus roof must take up quite a bit of your time. In the meanwhile, I have spoken to a couple of people at your campaign office but they apparently thought I was just “ridiculous”.

So, I want to take this opportunity to personally let you know that I continue to have a genuine interest in being your first mate. I would like to remind you that I am an idea man and would like to pass along a few of my ideas that might tip the scales in my favor.

I’ve been thinking about the relevant issues of the day; the kind that might come up in a debate.

Border Security

Now, this is exactly the kind of issue that you need someone who thinks half in the bag, or outside the box or whatever. Let’s take the Mexican border for an example. Politicians keep trying to make this “our” problem. I say, let’s turn it around and make it Mexico’s problem. We call up President Calderon and say:

“Hey, Senor, you keep your people on your side or else. Kapeesh? Build a wall, post guards, do whatever you need to do…this is your only warning”.

If we still have problems, if they don’t comply, we just move the border south, change the name, and we have the 51st State – Mittseco. Problem solved.

Next up: Guatemala? Its Mitt calling!

Terrorism

This problem is one of ideology. We just don’t understand one another. When this happens in my neighborhood, we have a cookout. Has anyone thought to invite them over for a barbeque? They might just be offended or something.

Texans know how to have a serious cookout and take care of business when necessary so it’s an ideal spot. We could do it up big; really impress them.

For starters, we ask Paula Dean to handle the menu and cooking. Even if the terrorists are still unhappy, they’ll be moving a lot slower and they’ll need to use “the facilities”. I see opportunities for TSA to make a profit. Pay to poop or pee n’ pay.

For entertainment, we enlist Lyle Lovett to do “You’re not from Texas but Texas wants you anyway”. I’m sure the IRS could get Willie Nelson to chip in. ZZ-Top could show them we’re not so different after all. And our feature act should be Ted Nugent. Don’t worry, Mitt. It won’t be that expensive. We’ll find other jobs for our entertainers to do so it won’t cost us much.

For example, Willie could handle the relaxation committee. I’ll have him coordinate with Paula to make sure we have Cheese Doodles. And I know Ted wouldn’t mind handling security – although this is Texas so I’m pretty sure that will be handled on its own. ZZ-Top could give them rides in that really cool car. And parasailing…definitely parasailing.

We’ll get Rick Perry to handle the comedy. I think GWB might be available. And maybe that Blue Comedy guy with the kid named “poot”…but we’ll leave that up to Rick.

We could have three legged races – no sacks. Just make sure to tell the guy at the starting booth that you want to be one of the “two legged” racers.

Imagine dunking booths and Blue Angel fly overs…we could leave a real impression. Make it a day they won’t forget.

And we could set up a table to sign them up for timeshare visits to “Mittsico Towers: Upscale Living for the Upwardly Mobile Terrorist” and “Mittsico Acres for the Retiring Terrorist”.

If, at the end of the day, they still don’t see eye to eye with us, Paula will have slowed them down enough for Ted to take care of business. Another Mitt win-win.

Next up: Gaza strip square dances

U.S. Economy

Now, Mitt, this is one that you’re going to have to fake for the most part. Let’s be honest: We all know it’s a crapshoot. But you can be the guy that looks like he means business. “How”, you ask? I’ll tell you: Hire me.

Sure, you could get yourself a “Governor” or a “Senator” or a “Qualified Guy”. But, let’s face it, they all already have jobs. So you’re just giving a better job to somebody who already has a job. With me, you’re making an immediate and tangible impact on the unemployment roll.

Bring me on the ticket and you can look Obama straight in the face during the debate and say “Oh, yea…well I’m putting a guy to work who’s basically unemployable! What you got, Nancy?” America will love you and relate to you like they never have and probably never will again.

I have a lot more, Mitt, but I think it best for us to meet one on one to discuss my other ideas. My people are telling me I shouldn’t give the milk away for free and, quite frankly, I’m getting tired of them calling me a cow. I’m home most of the time so don’t worry about just dropping in. And I have extra bungee cords if you need them.

Call me,

Mike

P.S. In case you lost my letter of qualifications, or your dog is using it to keep warm, you can find it here:

https://www.politicalirony.com/2012/06/09/vice-presidential-material/

Mitt n’ Mike 2012
A New Day’s Comin’

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments (3)

Terrorist Indoctrination

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


© Derf

This much is true — the US has pulled funding from the Pakistani version of Sesame Street on the basis of an anonymous call to their anti-corruption hotline. The family-run Rafi Peer Theater Workshop, which competed against more than 300 applicants in 2010 for the US funded contract to run the show, says that the US has not even shared the charges against the show with them, let alone given them a chance to refute them. And US financial audits of the project have reported no irregularities.

Indeed, the Rafi Peer Theater Workshop has often been attacked by anti-US militants. In May 2010, a Sufi music event held at the same location where their Sesame Street is filmed was bombed, leaving nine wounded. They were also attacked in 2009 and 2008.

According to an artist who previously worked on their Sesame Street in 2009 “We Pakistanis have a habit of pulling down the handful of people in our country who might be doing some good work. This is a national illness.” In this case, it looks like they succeeded.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (1)

Legislating Reality

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Facts are stubborn things, but that hasn’t stopped some people from ignoring things like evolution and (especially) climate change. But here’s a new twist. If you don’t like the facts, you can just propose a law that changes them!

In North Carolina, the state’s Coastal Resources Commission has calculated that the sea levels along the coast will rise by a devastating 39 inches by the year 2100. These numbers are supposed to be used in the state’s development plans, to figure out where to allow housing and other development. But developers didn’t like that.

Not only did they get the 39-inch number removed from the report, but they have gotten a bill submitted in the legislature that requires sea level rise to be calculated only using historical data and linearly interpolated from this old data.

According to a professor at East Carolina University who is an expert on the state’s coastline “Clearly they don’t understand science at all –- (sea level rise) hasn’t been linear. To put blinders on and just say we don’t accept what’s happening on our coast is absolutely criminal.” Indeed, how many people are going to buy homes that will eventually end up under water?

But the developers are happy, “They’re making a lot of money off of it.” This is the kind of short-term thinking — putting immediate profits above all else — that will doom us.

UPDATE: The US Geological Survey has issued a report that the 600 miles of coast from Cape Hatteras, NC, all the way up to just north of Boston is a global “hot spot” for rising sea levels. Sea levels along this part of the Atlantic coast are rising three to four times faster than they did as recently as 1990. The big point here is that “Computer models long have projected higher levels along parts of the East Coast because of changes in ocean currents from global warming, but this is the first study to show that’s already happened.” Not only do we now have proof that sea levels are rising, but the rate at which they are rising is accelerating. And they are rising faster there than the rest of the globe because of the effect of the Gulf Stream. Thank goodness that politicians in North Carolina are taking bold action to avert this disaster.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (3)

Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

“The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists’ team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is coming to Chicago this weekend. Obama is introducing his new economic plan as part of the Just For Laughs Festival.” – Conan O’Brien

“TV icon Betty White visited President Obama in the Oval Office this week. The last time Betty visited the White House, it was still under construction.” – Jay Leno

“Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House she was stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom – with Lincoln.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is going to a fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker’s house. It will be a formal, sit-down dinner for 200 in her shoe closet.” – Conan O’Brien

“The commerce secretary, a guy named John Bryson – have you heard about this? He got cited for felony hit-and-run here in California, after he crashed into a car, got out, talked to the other driver, got back in his car, crashed into the other car again, drove away, and then crashed into another car. He’s now taking a leave of absence. The good news? It’s the first new job the White House has created all year. That’s good news!” – Jay Leno

“Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show ‘Dallas’ with Larry Hagman. … The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over.” – Craig Ferguson

“Have you seen this video that’s gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize a chocolate donut? It’s all over the web. At first he said, ‘Is that Beluga caviar on a bagel? What is that?’ That’s why he needs Chris Christie as his vice president. If anyone can identify a donut, it’s Chris Christie.” – Jay Leno

“China is now preparing to send their first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn’t want to go.” – Jay Leno

“According to The New York Times, Mexican drug cartels launder millions and million of dollars through horse races. I hate to see something like betting on horses become corrupt and seedy. What’s next, boxing?” – Jay Leno

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

Election Fatigue

Monday, June 18, 2012


© Brian McFadden

And with the amount of money being thrown at this election, it is just going to get worse. Sigh.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (9)

Late Night Political Humor

Monday, June 18, 2012

“Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.” – Jay Leno

“Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new book claims President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while in college. And in a related story to boost his street cred, Mitt Romney admitted he was once hooked on phonics.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is going on a six-state bus tour. Mitt is very excited because he’s never been on a bus.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, ‘That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Somebody has been leaking classified information. John McCain is outraged. He wants to get to the bottom of who is leaking the classified information and also he wants to find out who keeps messing with his thermostat.” – David Letterman

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

Honest Abe?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The website FlackCheck.org (run by the same people who do FactCheck.org) is imagining whether Lincoln (our most respected president) could be re-elected today. The best part is a series of hypothetical campaign ads by his opponent George B. McClennan, using modern negative campaign propaganda techniques.

Here’s one of them:

They also have ads from the SuperPACs like “Logrollers for Truth”, “Citizens United Behind the Confederacy”, and “White Male Property Owners who Know a Woman’s Place”. Here’s one from the “Pious Patriots for Prayer and the Protection of Our Property”:

In all, there are more than two dozen ads.

The ads highlight that it is not just possible, but relatively easy to smear just about anyone and make them look bad. What makes this worse is that with enough money, you can almost certainly change the result of any election using techniques like this. Indeed, the “Logrollers for Truth” is a play on the “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” that successfully smeared John Kerry during the 2004 presidential election.

And where is that money coming from? Even John McCain, who is a top Romney supporter, pointed out that a recent $10 million contribution to a pro-Romney super PAC is almost certainly coming from foreign money. McCain also called the Citizens United decision, which opened up the floodgates for corporate donations “the most misguided, naive, uninformed, egregious decision of the United States Supreme Court, I think, in the 21st century.”

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments Off on Honest Abe?

Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, June 17, 2012

“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, ‘I’m Mitt Romney, and I fired all these people.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket.” – David Letterman

“You know what he did with that money? He took Warren Buffett to lunch.” – David Letterman

“A new report found that Mitt Romney’s economic plan would not have any effect on unemployment. When he heard that Romney’s plan wouldn’t make any difference, Obama was like, ‘Hey, that’s MY thing!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“At a recent speech Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he’s found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state’s governor.” – Conan O’Brien

“The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he’s gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien

“Rand Paul… do you know who Rand Paul is? He is the son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet… Well; Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That’s got to make for an awkward Father’s Day this Sunday, doesn’t it? “Hey pop, what do you want for Father’s Day?” “I don’t know; a little support might be nice!” – Jay Leno

“Ron Paul’s son is a senator from Kentucky, and he’s now endorsing Mitt Romney. I know how that feels. My son watches Jay.” – David Letterman

“A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception, and can be a gateway to the White House.” – Jay Leno

“Commerce Secretary John Bryson has been cited for felony hit and run after he crashed into a car. Then he drove away and hit another car. He said he had a seizure — to which Lindsay Lohan said, ‘Why didn’t I think of that? I had a seizure.'” – Jay Leno

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

The Circle of Stupidity

Sunday, June 17, 2012


© Jen Sorensen

Is it really stupidity? I thought they were doing it on purpose, to kill the unions.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (5)

Damned If You Do

Saturday, June 16, 2012

The GOP strategy against the president seems to be to throw everything at Obama to see if anything sticks. Even if the things you throw at him are contradictory. Obama is a socialist, but he is simultaneously a fascist. Obama is an ineffective president who has not delivered on his promised “hope and change”, but he is simultaneously a usurping dictator who is destroying the constitution.

The media seems to be playing along with this cynical game. Even the Christian Science Monitor had the following headline “Does ‘audacity of hope’ mean unchecked presidential power?” The article goes on to quote conservatives who compare Obama to Napoleon (as if Napoleon had to run for reelection or would have put up with our obstructionist Republican party).

The CSM is talking about Obama’s recent order to the immigration service to stop deporting illegal immigrants who were brought here as children, who pose no threat to the US, and are living productive lives here.

This is similar to some of the provisions of the “DREAM Act”, originally introduced into Congress by Republican Senator Orrin Hatch. Except the DREAM Act allowed some undocumented immigrants the apply for and receive permanent residency, which could then lead to citizenship, while Obama’s order simply stops deportation temporarily. Republicans have long been in favor of this and similar immigration reform. That is, until Obama was elected and they became the the “party of no”. After all, their stated top priority is to make Obama a one-term president, and passing immigration reform while Obama is president might make him look good.

I also question whether Obama’s action actually constitutes an abuse of presidential power. Obama is simply saying that we have limited resources to prosecute undocumented immigrants, and those resources are wasted going after children. After all, they had no intent to break the law (they were brought here as children), and they are leading productive, responsible lives. Some of them are even part of the US military — would you deport them after they have served (and offered their lives for) their country?

The conservative Republican attorney general of Utah (who is a Mitt Romney supporter) said it best: “Law enforcement makes decisions based on the resources available to them — until Congress acts, we’ll be left with too many people to deport. The administration is saying, `Here’s a group we could be spending our resources going after, but why? They’re Americans, they see themselves as Americans, they love this country.’ … You’re not giving [legal status] to the parents who came here. You’re giving it to the child who was brought here. That child didn’t get to choose.”

More than once in my life I’ve had a crime committed against me (including having my car stolen and my house broken into), and the police have told me that they didn’t have the resources to do anything about it. I’m sure many people reading this have had similar experiences. Obama is simply saying the same thing. Fiscal conservatives should be happy that he is not wasting government money on this. I’d certainly rather have them looking for the jerk who stole my car than deporting immigrant children.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (11)

You Can’t Touch That!

Saturday, June 16, 2012


© Jim Morin

The actual quote was from Laura Ingraham’s radio show. She asked Romney if Obama’s claim that the economy is getting better is true. Romney replied:

Well of course it’s getting better. The economy always gets better after the recession. There’s always a recovery. There’s never been a time anywhere in the world where an economy has never recovered. The question is how is recovered by virtue of something the president has done or has he delayed the recovery and made it more painful? And the latter, of course, is the truth.

What I find hilarious about this is Romney’s claim “The economy always gets better after the recession. There’s always a recovery. There’s never been a time anywhere in the world where an economy has never recovered.” Is he nuts? Economies all over the world have collapsed and never recovered. But according to Romney, they are just delayed. Is he still expecting the economy of the Roman empire to recover?

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (2)

Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, June 16, 2012

“Team Romney is misspelling words all over the map. They misspelled America, they misspelled the word official, they misspelled Reagan… I think we are going to find out that Mitt is actually dyslexic and his name is Tim.” – Bill Maher

“Both Obama and Mitt Romney went on the Country Music Television Awards. And I’m trying to figure out who has less in common with the country music fan, a Mormon who doesn’t drink or cheat, or a black guy who’s skinny.” – Bill Maher

“This weekend President Obama’s daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present — you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn’t he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn’t he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.” – Jay Leno

“Obama had a big fundraiser for the gay and lesbian elite here in Hollywood. He was introduced by Ellen and did a really dirty joke. Michelle Obama had gone Ellen’s show and had a push-up contest with Ellen and won it. The president said, ‘Ellen claims Michelle didn’t go all the way down.’ Hey, who’s the potty mouth here, Mr. President? You can take my million, but don’t fuck with my act.” – Bill Maher

“In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.” – Jay Leno

“That’s one nice thing I got to say about George W. Bush, he never visited. For eight years it was like being passed over by the Angel of Duh.” – Bill Maher (regarding traffic in Los Angeles when Obama is in town)

“The effort to recall Gov. Scott Walker in Wisconsin failed. This is the worst thing to happen to organized labor in America since the invention of Mexicans.” – Bill Maher

“Gov. Rick Scott in Florida is purging the voter roles. It’s so over the line that the county election supervisors are refusing to comply. And Gov. Scott said, ‘Hey, we just want to remove people in Florida who are either felons, deceased, or here illegally.’ Which in Florida leaves only 12 people.” – Bill Maher

“In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being elected to Congress, Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghost of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, ‘Yes, Botox can cause hallucinations.'” – Jay Leno

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments Off on Late Night Political Humor

DNAL – SDRAWKCAB

Friday, June 15, 2012


© John Jonik

I don’t know what conservative and liberal mean any more.

Once upon a time, the party of Lincoln was the party of civil rights. Later, the party of Teddy Roosevelt was the party of conserving the environment. The party of Eisenhower built the national highway system and warned us about the dangers of the military-industrial complex. The party of Nixon established the Environmental Protection Agency. The party of Reagan even raised taxes and tried to balance the budget. The party of Bush Jr. expanded Medicare with the prescription drug benefit and tried to reform education.

But today’s Republican Party seems only interested in throwing money at the rich and destroying government. Jeb Bush recently pointed out that Reagan would have struggled with today’s GOP.

Share
Filed in Irony | Comments (5)

La Raza

Friday, June 15, 2012

The RNC is attempting to reach out to Hispanics by creating a website RNCLatinos.com. Here’s a partial screen shot:

There’s just one problem. US News and World Report recognized the photo of the children as a stock photo from Shutterstock. The tags for the photo include the words asia, asian, japanese, and thailand, but not words like latino or hispanic. Yes that’s right, the RNC used a photo of Asian children for their Latino website.

The RNC quickly removed the photo from the site and replaced it with a banner “Hispanic Latino Strategic Partnerships” (in English). And of course they passed the blame, claiming that an outside ad agency (AV Graffix) was responsible for the mistake.

This reminds me of when Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle had a meeting with Hispanic high school students and told them they looked asian.

Share
Filed in Humor | Comments Off on La Raza