Political Irony

“There is a record heat wave back east, close to 100 degrees in New York City. The temperatures are higher than President Obama was in high school.” – Jay Leno

“Obama campaign unveils new ad to target Hispanics. It’s basically the president saying, ‘Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called ‘Fast and Furious.’ I don’t know what’s scarier: that we can’t see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney’s picking up a head of steam. He’s roaring and ready to go. He says if he’s elected president he will also consider hunting vampires.” – David Letterman

“With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That’s kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts playing a rich white guy from Massachusetts.” – Jay Leno

“How does that make John Kerry feel? Hey John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. You’d be perfect. Just be yourself.” – Jay Leno

“Last night on the premiere of a new reality show, Bristol Palin confronted a man in a bar and demanded to know why he hates her mother. In response, John McCain said ‘Leave me alone, I’m having a drink.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Bristol Palin’s new show premiered on the Lifetime network. It’s funny how many of Lifetime’s shows are targeted to people who have no lives at all.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to Rielle Hunter, John Edwards lied to her when they first met, saying he was seeing three other woman so she wouldn’t get attached to him. He lied about that. That’s got to be tough to keep straight for Edwards; lying to your wife that you’re not seeing another woman, while lying to the other woman that you are seeing three other women. Guys, don’t try this; John Edwards is a former trial lawyer and a senator. He is a trained professional liar! You will never, ever be able to keep up with him.” – Jay Leno

“For the first time in history, the number of Asian immigrants coming into America is larger than the number of Hispanic immigrants. Now even our immigrants are being made in China.” – Jimmy Kimmel

© Garry Trudeau

To me, the big question is: does Mitt Romney realize the difference between running Bain Capital and running the country? He got bored even running the State of Massachusetts, or maybe it just didn’t make him enough money.

“President Obama just played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par.” – Jimmy Fallon

“They say President Obama played golf a hundred times in his first administration, a four-year period. So he played on Father’s Day. Donald Trump – always looking to make trouble, always looking to rain on somebody’s parade – Donald Trump demanded to see Obama’s scorecard.” – David Letterman

“President Obama spent about four hours on Father’s Day playing golf at a country club in Chicago. It was his 100th round of golf since taking office. He’s played more golf than Tiger Woods in the last four years.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, Obama’s staff is a little concerned. They’re concerned all this golf is cutting into his fund-raising.” – Jay Leno

“Over the weekend President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November.” – Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for our president. He’s down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia’s Vladimir Putin. He said ‘I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.’ There’s no word on how Obama responded.” – Craig Ferguson

“Regular guy Mitt Romney is on a bus tour…he’s on a bus through the Midwest called ‘Believe in America’ because ‘Mormon Thunder’ was taken.” – Bill Maher

“Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side.” – Bill Maher

“Republicans Yesterday launched a new Spanish-language website to attract Latino voters, featuring smiling, happy Latino children — except it turned out they weren’t Latino children, they were Asian. Even worse, when you go to the button to click onto the home page, it says, ‘Enter around back.'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney said Obama is ignoring the real issues with illegals, which is that they keep blowing the grass clippings into his pool.” – Bill Maher

“Both Romney and Obama were in Ohio giving dueling speeches on the economy. Before Obama’s speech, Romney’s bus starts circling the Obama site honking their horns in the parking lot. They would have actually stayed and done it longer, but Mitt had to get back to his site to give his speech about how we need to put the grownups back in charge.” – Bill Maher

“This really was the campaign in a nutshell. Talk about two divergent messages. They were doing this on the same day in the same state. Obama said, ‘The Republicans drove the economy into the ditch and now I’m trying to drive it out.’ And Romney said, ‘Look, a black guy’s stealing our car!” – Bill Maher

“Obama went to Ground Zero. He went up in the new skyscraper being built in the shadow of the World Trade Center, and he inscribed one of the steel beams. He wrote, ‘We remember, we rebuild, we come back stronger.’ Which was very poignant, especially since Bush had written on it, ‘We got hit, I sat in a chair, I peed my pants.’ And he misspelled chair.” – Bill Maher

“Obama has been to more fundraisers already than the last six presidents combined. He had one in New York the other day at Sarah Jessica Parker’s apartment, and the Republicans of course say, ‘This proves that Obama is an elitist who hangs out with the Hollywood types. What about the real Americans, like Donald Trump?'” – Bill Maher

“There’s a rumor going around that suggests President Obama may legalize marijuana as an October surprise to win the election. And if he doesn’t win, at least he’ll have a way to mellow out later.” – Jay Leno