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Late Night Political Humor

“Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.” – Jay Leno

“Romney is going to be in London for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and he plans to take his tax returns and drop them into the torch.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won’t be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is in London. They said get your campaign plane, get your family, you don’t know anything about foreign policy, strap your dog to the roof of the plane. He arrived in England, got off the plane, and proudly proclaimed ‘Ich bin ein Londoner’. … When Romney arrived at the hotel he was greeted by his money.” – David Letterman

“There’s talk that Mitt Romney’s campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he’s paying for people to like him. Or, as it’s called ‘politics’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Campaigns have finally arrived in the 21st century. They can produce bullshit at the same rate as actual bulls.” – Lewis Black (The Daily Show)

“To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, ‘take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole’.” – Jay Leno

“The Obama campaign spent more money in June than it took in. Every businessman will tell you, you can’t run a campaign like that. Apparently, you can run a government like that, but not a campaign.” – Jay Leno

“A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play ACDC. Today, the attackers said ‘If our demands aren’t met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company’s anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.” – Jay Leno

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The Damage Done

Sanford Weill, the former CEO of Citigroup, has a change of heart:

But is it too late?

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Withering Weather


© Ben Sargent

Richard Muller, one of the most widely quoted climate change deniers, who even directed a climate change project funded by the Koch brothers, has done what he calls a “total turnaround”.

In an editorial in the NY Times, Muller calls himself a converted skeptic. Muller now says that global warming is real, and furthermore, that human activity is the main cause.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Mitt Romney’s search for a vice president continues As you know, one of Mitt Romney’s problems is that he’s never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.” – Jay Leno

“The poverty rate is now at its highest since the 1960s. It’s gotten so bad that Mitt Romney’s butler let his butler go.” – Conan O’Brien

“Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’s going to be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It leaked out that the London Olympics opening ceremony is going to include a showdown between Voldemort and Mary Poppins.” – Conan O’Brien

“The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.” – David Letterman

“Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.” – Jay Leno

“Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.” – Conan O’Brien

“The apartment that President Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term.” – Jay Leno

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Surgery

I’m having some surgery on Wednesday. I’ve loaded up a few posts in advance so you might not even notice, but I probably won’t be checking in for a day after that. Have fun while I’m out, and be nice to each other!

UPDATE: Surgery went very well, and I’m recovering nicely. Thanks for all the well-wishes.

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Mass Satire

Last night a fake op-ed piece purporting to have been written by NY Times columnist (and former Executive Editor) Bill Keller was tweeted. The fake article discussed rumors of a “potential financial blockade against the New York Times by Visa, Mastercard, and American Express for hosting U.S. government cables published by WikiLeaks”.

The hoax was well done — the URL for the column looked vaguely authentic, the look of the NY Times was meticulously duplicated, and they even managed to fake Keller’s writing style and attitude. Or as Jon Schwarz put it “Whoever wrote the fake WikiLeaks op-ed did a great job imitating the way Bill Keller is both incredibly boring and incredibly irritating”.

But the most interesting part of this is Glenn Greenwald’s column today, defending the Internet from those who say that the hoax proves that information on the Internet is inherently unreliable. After all, the hoax was exposted in less than 12 hours:

That happened by virtue of all of the strengths which the Internet uniquely offers, and which traditional journalism precludes: collective analysis, using one’s readers (tens of thousands of people, if not more) to help with research and investigation, instant and mass collaboration with other journalists and experts, an open and transparent analytical and investigative process.

Greenwald points out that the mainstream media has a long and dismal history of either repeating — or even inventing — fake news.

But the part that really hit home to me was this:

The attribute of writing on the Internet that I’ve always valued most is that any errors I make — factual, logical or otherwise — will be very short-lived because they will be exposed by commenters, tweeters, emailers, etc., rather than days or weeks later (if at all) in the form of a Letter to the Editor that can be (and usually is) easily ignored. And this interactive process will also immediately bring to my attention facts and evidence that bolster what I’ve written but of which I was unaware. That’s why the first step I took when I had suspicions about the Keller column was to go and ask thousands of people about it using Twitter, knowing that other people would have knowledge that I lacked. This collaborative model enabled by the Internet strengthens every aspect of journalism and, as today’s episode shows, obliterates errors quickly and definitively.

That eloquently sums up why I love writing this blog. I really enjoy the fact that when I make mistakes, my readers are only too willing to point out my foibles. Or to add information I didn’t know about. Unlike traditional media, I get back as much as I put out.

So thank you, dear readers.

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In the Tank

The US military has lots of M1 Abrams tanks — more than 2,300 deployed around the world, and 3,000 more in storage at a remote military base in California. But they have a problem — the M1 has a flat bottom that makes it vulnerable to improvised explosive devices (IEDs) that are so popular in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. So the Pentagon wants to redesign the tank and replace it with something new and improved.

Meanwhile, the Pentagon wants to stop their refurbishment program for the old tanks in 2013. With more tanks in storage than deployed, that makes lots of sense and would save around $3 billion.

Sounds good. So why isn’t anyone surprised that Congress won’t let them? Standing to benefit from continuing to refurbish old tanks is General Dynamics, who has given an estimated $5.3 million over the last decade or so to the campaigns of members of the key committees responsible for military spending.

To General Dynamics, that is just a good investment — millions of dollars (in what amounts to a bribe), in exchange for billions of dollars in contracts. That’s a 56074% ROI (return on investment) — not bad!

Of course, the congressmen in both houses and from both political parties that are earmarking money for the tanks say they are concerned about undermining America’s military capability, or that they want to save jobs in their districts. Supposedly, earmarks were banned after the 2010 election, but that law has a loophole — if multiple congress members favor adding an earmark it magically stops being an earmark. So companies like General Dynamics just have to bribe multiple congress members.

The US spends far more on its military than any other country. The number two country is China, and we spend five times more than them. In fact, we spend more than the next dozen countries combined. The US is responsible for 41% of all military spending in the world.

With US military spending now comprising about half of all discretionary federal spending, it would seem like trimming programs that the Pentagon neither needs nor wants (and which would not undermine our military capability), would be a good place to start. In fact, mounting deficits do more damage to our country than any enemy could do. And if Congress is actually concerned about jobs, we should be spending money on jobs that create infrastructure, to make our country stronger, not lining the pockets of defense contractors.

So far, deficit hawks have been curiously silent on the M1 Abrams funding issue. There has been some noise from the administration that the president might veto the appropriation bill if it contains too many unrequested projects like this. You should let Obama, as well as your Congressional representatives, know how you feel about corporate welfare masquerading as military spending.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The apartment President Obama used to live in when he was a college student is now up for rent. It’s $2,400 a month, which is a bargain when you consider how much money Mitt Romney is spending to try and move into where Obama is living now.” – Jay Leno

“It’s now being reported than Mitt Romney’s campaign brought in 200 African American supporters to help cheer him on when he spoke at the NAACP meeting. And it cost him a lot of money because he had to fly them in from the Cayman Islands.” – Jay Leno

“The country’s largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, ‘Wow, that’s great. What is a bus?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congresswoman Michele Bachmann wants an investigation as to whether Islamists have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government. You know what’s really frightening? After listening to Michele Bachmann, you realize idiots have infiltrated the highest levels of the federal government.” – Jay Leno

“The Boy Scouts of America have announced they are upholding their ban on gay members. The Boy Scouts are so serious about this gay ban, that you’re not allowed to pitch a tent if a girl is nearby.” – Jay Leno

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Mitt the Twit


© Jim Morin

That’s right, Britain’s largest selling newspaper, The Sun, called Mitt Romney “Mitt the Twit” in its headline. Ironically, The Sun is owned by conservative Rupert Murdoch. Other British newspapers were equally unkind. The hard-conservative Daily Telegraph called him a wazzock and said that while he was in Britain, Romney could learn “some manners”.

Romney continues to cause problems, even though he has moved on to Israel. I wonder what he will manage to do at his next stop, in Poland.


© Tom Toles

UPDATE: The Guardian has an interesting article about Romney’s comments about the Palestinians. While I agree that his comments were racist, I will defend Romney (in a backhanded way) by saying that I don’t think Romney actually believes what he was saying. He’s just absolutely willing to say whatever he thinks people want to hear. With Sheldon Adelson sitting by his side offering virtually unlimited amounts of money, maybe Romney just got giddy and carried away.

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Dirty Money

Super PACs have garnered a lot of attention lately, but they aren’t the real money in politics. Far worse are so-called “dark-money nonprofits”, which are allowed to keep their donors secret.

The Citizens United decision not only allows corporations to spend unlimited amounts of money on politics, it gives the same right to nonprofits. However, a nonprofits are supposedly not allowed to be primarily political in purpose or they can lose their IRS status. Tax law requires that the primary work of a nonprofit must be to benefit the community at large, not a single candidate or party. But that hasn’t stopped nonprofits like Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS, or David Koch’s Americans for Prosperity from becoming the new political cash cows, since donors to nonprofits can keep their identities secret.

How bad is it? Back in 2010, dark-money nonprofits already spent 50% more than Super PACs. Through the spring of 2012 it just got worse, with 91% of political advertising coming from these nonprofits, including nonprofit trade groups like the US Chamber of Commerce (which also do not have to disclose their donors).

But as of last Saturday, the rules are changing. Previously, these organizations could run unlimited “issues” ads (politically oriented advertising that doesn’t endorse or oppose a specific political candidate) without disclosing who is paying for the ad. But a recent court case closed this loophole. So these nonprofits have a Catch-22 situation. If they run “issues” advertising, they now have to disclose the donors who paid for that ad. They can still run explicitly political ads (which endorse or oppose a specific candidate) without disclosing their donors, but if they run too many of those they risk losing their tax exempt status.

Of course, donor secrecy is the primary reason these dark-money nonprofits exist. The US Chamber of Commerce has already declared that they will refuse to disclose their donors. And Americans for Prosperity has made it clear that any change forcing them to disclose their donors is off the table.

Of course, none of this may matter. Let’s say that in response to the court decision, a group like Crossroads GPS just stops running issues ads (so they don’t have to disclose their donors) and instead just runs explicitly political ads (e.g., endorsing Romney or telling you to vote against Obama) until the upcoming election. What could happen to them? They could be slapped with a fine. They could even be shut down. But the wheels of justice turn slowly, so it is unlikely anything would happen until after the election. By then it would be too late. Even if a nonprofit becomes blatantly political and gets shut down, another one would just spring up to replace it.

And that my friend, is why corporations (including nonprofits) are not people. You can’t throw them in jail. According to a University of California election law expert, “If a nonprofit has to sacrifice its name and pay a fee, and it helps keep the House, win back the Senate, and take back the White House, that’s a small price to pay.”

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Short Sighted

As if it weren’t bad enough that Republicans were deliberately blocking bills that would help the economy, in order to win elections. We almost expect that of them.

But this is the height of cynicism and hypocrisy.

Ohio’s Senate race is neck-and-neck, with progressive Sherrod Brown pitted against Republican Josh Mandel. Mandel vocally opposed raising the debt ceiling last year, and has indicated that he would vote against it if elected to the Senate. If the government is not able to meet it’s financial obligations it will cause a default and likely financial chaos.

But Mandel won’t feel the pain. Both he and his wife have invested in financial instruments that “short” US Treasury bills. If the government defaults, the value of Treasury bills would go down dramatically, and this investment — which bets against Treasury bills — would shoot up in value.

Seriously. Not only is Mandel voting against the US economy, he’s betting against it.

Should we be surprised? Last year, it was discovered that Eric Cantor — the Republican’s chief debt ceiling negotiator — had an investment in the same financial instruments.

This may be the ultimate in cynical insider trading, but despite a new law that explicitly bans members of Congress from insider trading, that law only applies to trading using confidential information they receive as lawmakers. In addition, that law was weakened by Republicans before it was passed, and according to the New York Times “prosecutions would still be difficult”. For now, the best way to stop politicians who bet against the country they are sworn to protect is to vote them out of office.


© Clay Bennett

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“Dark Wizards for a Better America” Super PAC

Even if you aren’t a Harry Potter fan, McSweeney’s has a hilarious article called “In Hindsight, Maybe We Shouldn’t Have Let Lord Voldemort Start His Own Super PAC”. Here’s just a short quote from it:

I’m not saying that Super PACs are inherently evil or anything. After all, look how that Citizens United case turned out—even the Supreme Court figured that well-funded special interest groups ought to have a constitutionally protected right to inject extreme sums of money into the political process. I mean, every American has that right, don’t they?

It just seems like under the old rules, Voldemort had a slightly harder time bending Congress to his infernal will. Campaign finance regulations used to place a cap on individual contributions, and the identity of each donor had to be logged with the FEC—so even He-Who-Must-Not Be-Named had to be, you know, named.

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State of the Statesman


© Lee Judge

I find this comic especially funny, since it came out before Mitt Romney’s disastrous attempt to be statesmanlike in England.

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Late Night Political Humor

“A new CBS poll found that 47 percent of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46 percent support Obama. Well, it makes sense, because if Romney wins, it’s definitely going to be thanks to the one percent.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good. But it does show that if you’re unsuccessful in this country, you didn’t do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama hasn’t met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason? They’re all out looking for jobs.” – Jay Leno

“Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. But the good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery.” – Jay Leno

“A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. We are their Mexico now it turns out.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Over the past five years, the value of the Canadian household has risen above the American household. I think most of that came from Justin Bieber and he belongs to us now.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail.” – Conan O’Brien

“How about those Olympic uniforms? They’re made by Ralph Lauren and they’re beautiful. They’re colorful, they’re odd. I mean they look like the cast of ‘Glee.’ They look like the entire navy of Monaco.” – David Letterman

“At the Beijing Olympics in 2008, they handed out 100,000 condoms. This year it’s 150,000. That’s 100,000 for the U.S. basketball team and 50,000 for everyone else.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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The Manchurian Candidate

Lost in all the brouhaha about Mitt Romney’s gaffe-o-rama in England is the fact that one of the main things he did while in London is hold a fundraising dinner in a foreign city, where scandal-plagued international bankers paid $25,000 to $75,000 a plate to support his election campaign.

That’s right. Romney is explicitly asking for money on foreign soil to influence a US election. He may insult the Brits over their Olympic preparations, but he’s happy to take their money and do their bidding.

Oh, and the fundraiser almost got derailed when Romney’s co-chair for the dinner had to resign his job as CEO of Barclays bank because of his involvement in the LIBOR banking scandal. But it turned out ok, because another banker (the chief lobbyist for Barclays) took his place. Other people at the dinner include insiders from “Bank of Credit Suisse, Deutsche Bank, HSBC, Goldman Sachs, Blackstone and Wells Fargo Securities — and, of course, Bain Capital Europe.” But we don’t know who else attended, because US law doesn’t require Romney to report who attends his fundraising dinners abroad.

Just as Sheldon Adelson is throwing unlimited amounts of (mostly foreign) money at the Romney campaign in order to avoid prosecution for violating the law, maybe Romney just considers it good business to get money from international bankers who want to avoid any responsibility for the LIBOR (London InterBank Offered Rate) scandal, where top bankers were found guilty of distributing “false interest rates in order to fool investors and game the international economy.” Of course, if that screws up the international economy or makes people taking out a home mortgage to pay too much in interest, that’s probably not something Romney would be concerned about.

Interestingly, the dinner was held at the Mandarin Oriental hotel, and is estimated to have raised more than $2 million for Romney.

UPDATE: Romney is also holding a fundraiser in Jerusalem on Monday, but in a last minute decision he decided to kick the media out of the event, which violates the agreement he set up with the media back in April. So much for being transparent. The Romney campaign refuses to even discuss why this fundraiser is closed to the media. But the likely reason is that he wants to tell his donors something he does’t want the American people to hear. According to the Washington Post:

Romney has a history of delivering different messages to his donors when reporters are not present to hear them. At a closed-press fundraiser in Florida this spring, reporters from NBC News and the Wall Street Journal, without Romney’s knowledge, overheard the candidate outline new tax policy proposals and suggest that he might dramatically downsize the Department of Education and eliminate the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

We do know that one of the people who will be attending the fundraiser is billionaire Sheldon Adelson, who is flying over from the US.

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