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Apathy

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


© Tom Tomorrow

Experts agree: the best way to win elections is to convince the majority of people that their vote doesn’t matter, that nothing can be done, and that all candidates are the same. And then energize their wing-nut base to go vote.

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Mathematically Impossible

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Mitt Romney finally released his tax plan. To nobody’s surprise, it consists largely of cutting taxes by cutting marginal tax rates by 20% across the board. But Romney also promises to reduce the deficit.

In order to simultaneously cut taxes and reduce the deficit, Romney is going to have to cut spending. A lot of spending. But Romney refuses to identify any spending he would cut, and he has even promised to increase military spending and to hold benefits steady for the current generation of seniors. He also promised to reform the tax code, but refuses to identify any deductions or loopholes he would eliminate.

But that didn’t stop the nonpartisan Tax Policy Center (directed by a member of George W. Bush’s council of economic advisors) from trying to evaluate his tax plan. Indeed, they gave his plan every possible benefit of the doubt, assuming wildly unrealistic growth effects from tax cuts (the same bill of goods that Reagan sold the country, which didn’t work then either).

The bottom line? Romney’s plan is “mathematically impossible“.

This isn’t a plan, it’s a fairy tale.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

“The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it’s nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.” – Conan O’Brien

“Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping — and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!” – Stephen Colbert

“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they’ll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.” – Conan O’Brien

“Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven’t you already lost?” – Conan O’Brien

“That’s right, free government birth control for all the ladies. So, don’t forget to reset your watches and check your calendars because it’s now whore o’clock on the first day of Skankjuary.” – Stephen Colbert

“They’re calling it the worst drought in 56 years. That seems to me unnecessarily negative. Couldn’t it be the best drought in 56 years?” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Silver Spoon

Monday, August 6, 2012

I don’t have a problem with Mitt Romney being rich. I have a problem with him lying about being rich.

Back during the primary, Romney kept getting in trouble for acting snobbishly rich. Like when he talked about his friends who owned NASCAR teams, but especially when he tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry. The next day, Romney tried to claim that he had experienced hard times while being a Mormon missionary in Paris, saying “You’re not living high on the hog at that kind of level.” He also said of the places where he stayed “I don’t recall any of them having a refrigerator.” and that “most of the apartments I lived in had no shower or bathtub. If we were lucky, we actually bought a hose and we stuck it on the sink.”

Almost makes you feel sorry for him, doesn’t it? Well don’t.

I never said anything at the time, but it seems to me that choosing to go on a religious mission and live a simple life is a far cry from actually being poor and having no choice in the matter.

But it turns out that Romney’s life as a missionary was anything but simple. According to fellow American missionaries, Romney spent a significant portion of his missionary time living in a “palace” with gilded interiors, an extensive art collection, and two servants (a chef and a houseboy).

If I had a chef making my meals and a houseboy serving them to me, I might not recall if my “palace” had a refrigerator either! And in fact, according to other missionaries, it did have a refrigerator and all other modern conveniences, including showers, bathtubs, and even a washer-dryer.

This was in contrast to places where other missionaries stayed. According to one missionary, talking about where Romney stayed “It was much better than the other places. Most of us stayed in rented apartments quite a way from luxurious.”

My only question is, does Romney actually believe these easily disprovable statements that he keeps making?

And by the way, just to add insult to injury, there is plenty of evidence that Romney used his missionary time in order to avoid the Vietnam War. Yeah, the same Romney who participated in pro-war protests, and then lied about getting deferments.

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Mitt Romney, Generic Republican

Monday, August 6, 2012

Good luck pinning him down. And even if you do, he’ll just say the opposite in a day or two. He’s the ultimate generic candidate. And he loves everything, except vampires.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, August 6, 2012

“All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of ‘1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die’.” – Stephen Colbert

“A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name ‘Speedo.’ It doesn’t sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.” – Craig Ferguson

“Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn’t doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.” – Conan O’Brien

“Like Palin, Rafalca is female, also doesn’t read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor.” – Stephen Colbert (on Ann Romney’s horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event)

“Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.” – Conan O’Brien

“So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.” – Conan O’Brien

“A couple of big birthdays today — comedian Tom Green and former government of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now Tom Green and Arnold Schwarzenegger are very different. One has disgusted millions with his revolting antics and the other one’s Tom Green.” – Craig Ferguson

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This is Rich!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Mitt Romney has earned a full-throated endorsement from famous porn star Jenna Jameson. While sipping champagne in the VIP room of a gentlemen’s club in San Francisco, Jameson told a television reporter:

I’m very looking forward to a Republican being back in office. When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.

This endorsement is unlikely to help Romney with his base.

Interestingly, Jameson appears as willing to change her position (both political and physical) as often as Romney does. Back in 2008, she was a Hillary Clinton supporter. Maybe she wasn’t as rich back then?

And in an interview in 2007, she said:

The Clinton administration was the best years for the adult industry and I wish that Clinton would run again. I would love to have him back in office. I would love to have Al Gore in office. When Republicans are in office, the problem is, a lot of times they try to put their crosshairs on the adult industry, to make a point. It’s sad, when there are so many different things that are going on in the world: war, and people are dying of genocide. It’s sad that they feel that they have to target the sex industry, and not target the problems with insurance and the homeless and the AIDS epidemic. There are so many things that need to be cleared up before fucking pornography. I look forward to another democrat being in office. It just makes the climate so much better for us, and I know that once all our troops come home, things are going to be better and I think that getting Bush out of office is the most important thing right now.

This isn’t Romney’s only link with pornography. The Marriott hotel chain offered in-room pornography during the decade that Romney was on the company’s board, earning the ire of social conservatives (coincidentally, he is named after the founder of the Marriott chain, Willard Marriott). Nowadays, Romney regularly denounces porn during campaigning and has promised to “vigorously” crack down on it if he is elected president.

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, August 5, 2012

“The word “sailing” sounds cool. It sounds better than “yachting,” which sounds like something Mitt Romney does in his indoor lake.” – Craig Ferguson

“Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.” – Craig Ferguson

“Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.” – Craig Ferguson

“Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia’s first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she’s thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.'” – Conan O’Brien

“An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you’re swimming.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it’s getting worse. That’s not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.” – Craig Ferguson

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How Recessions Work

Saturday, August 4, 2012


© Ruben Bolling

Believe it or not, this really is pretty much how recessions work. And how anyone thinks that austerity will help jumpstart an economy is beyond me.

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Foreclosure Review

Saturday, August 4, 2012

If your house was foreclosed on in 2009 or 2010, you can ask for a free review and receive compensation if there were any errors made:

The bottom line is there is a website you can visit to see your options. Try to ignore the fact that the website looks pretty cheesy — it is legit. Unfortunately, it was the banks who were found to be making (lots of) mistakes on people’s foreclosures who were required to set up the website, so they are doing as minimal a job they can get away with helping you.

In fact, the government had to extend the time for people to ask for a review, since the banks didn’t do a very good job of contacting people who were eligible.

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, August 4, 2012

“The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.” – Jay Leno

“Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, ‘a Monday’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.” – Jay Leno

“The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.” – Conan O’Brien

“The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is getting a lot of attention for a series of gaffes he’s made while he’s in London. And in response, Romney said that he has nothing but respect for the people of England, especially their monarch, Queen Latifah.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Next week, President Obama will celebrate his 51st birthday. Obama already got one really nice gift: Mitt Romney’s trip to London.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Vice President Joe Biden said today that he had to ask his wife Jill to marry him five times before she said yes. Five times! Joe, that’s not a proposal, that’s harassment.” – Jay Leno

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Editing

Friday, August 3, 2012


© Steve Sack

Now that Romney is back from his world travels, is anything safe here in the US? Certainly not the truth.

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, August 3, 2012

“I read that one of the presidential debates will have a town hall format where citizens will ask the candidates questions. The most common question: ‘Are you the only two choices?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure. Yeah, but not presidential.” – Jay Leno

“This year’s Olympics will be replacing the women’s beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of ‘Buzzkillistan.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.” – David Letterman

“In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there’s hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.” – Jay Leno

“Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don’t know what’s bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn’t already have gay marriage.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big story here in Los Angeles, of course, the L.A. City Council has just voted to ban medical marijuana sales at all 790 dispensaries. You know this means? Some people may have to resort to smoking non-medical marijuana. Good luck finding that!” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. But until then he said he’ll just think about pancakes.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Romney Praises a Government Take-over of Health Care

Thursday, August 2, 2012

While he was in Israel, Mitt Romney praised their healthcare system for keeping people healthy while keeping costs low.

How does Israel do it? Through aggressive regulation of the entire health care system (not just health insurance), requiring all residents to have health insurance (the dreaded individual mandate that Romney says he opposes at the federal level), and with revenue caps for hospitals and doctors. Not only that, but all health insurance plans are non-profit, and are required to insure anyone regardless of pre-existing conditions.

In other words, Israel’s health care solution goes way beyond Obamacare, while being based on some of the same ideas. And yet Romney says he wants to repeal Obamacare on day one. But he hasn’t offered anything as a replacement.

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Time is Relative

Thursday, August 2, 2012


© Mike Thompson

Silly season started early. Will any of us survive?

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