Political Irony

“Mitt Romney is worth half a billion dollars and he’s saying he pays 13 percent annually in taxes. Al Capone paid more than 13 percent in taxes, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney says he’s never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country.” – Jay Leno

“Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘See, I do reach out to poor people.” – Jay Leno

“Six days after Paul Ryan was picked to be Mitt Romney’s running mate, a shirtless photo of him finally turned up on TMZ. The photo of Ryan with his wife was taken six years ago while they were on vacation in Oklahoma, which raises an interesting question: Who goes on vacation in Oklahoma?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, Mitt Romney is refusing to release more than the first four inches of his torso, though he insists he has nothing to hide.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“You know who’s hit the ground running? That Paul Ryan. This guy looks like somebody who would be holding seminars on condo flipping.” – David Letterman

“Paul Ryan is a dedicated congressman. He sleeps in his office. And I got to thinking, ‘What? Isn’t that what got Clinton in trouble?'” – David Letterman

“Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They’re busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.” – David Letterman

“On the first night, Mitt will be introduced by his money.” – David Letterman

“A new survey predicts that women and the elderly are more likely to vote in the presidential election. Which explains the new front-runner, Michael Buble.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pennsylvania voter ID law, according to one study… will disenfranchise 9% of the entire Pennsylvania electorate. But that’s the price you pay for preventing something that doesn’t happen.” – Jon Stewart

“Welcome to “The Tonight Show” — or as Comcast calls us, “The Expendables.” As you may have heard, our parent company has downsized ‘The Tonight Show’. We’ve consistently been number one in the ratings, and if you know anything about our network, NBC, that kind of thing is frowned upon. And more bad news. It turns out now we’ve been taken over by Bain Capital.” – Jay Leno

“It’s only been six days that they’ve been together as a ticket, and already Paul Ryan is flip-flopping on everything. All week long, Romney has been attacking Obama on his $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Apparently Ryan in his plan had the exact same thought, until yesterday when Romney announced that Ryan had changed his position. They say this happens to everybody who gets too close to Mitt Romney. Suddenly your most firmly held beliefs just vanish. In fact the only way to avoid it is by only looking at a reflection of Romney in the mirror.” – Bill Maher

“Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, ‘People Magazine.’ Or as Mitt Romney calls it ‘Corporation Magazine’.” – Stephen Colbert

“Are you excited about Paul Ryan? He’s a far, far-right ideologue. The Republican base loves him. He’s kind of an English-speaking version of Sarah Palin.” – Bill Maher

“Paul Ryan wants to dismantle Medicare as we know it, cut way back on unemployment benefits, raise taxes on the middle class, give much bigger tax breaks for the rich people. Or as your idiot brother-in-law puts it, ‘Finally someone who cares about me’.” – Bill Maher

“This ticket is supposed to be so anti-government and pro-business. Paul Ryan has been in government his whole life, practically from kindergarten. You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it’s the other way around.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bromance is somehow gay. You act like you’ve never seen an older millionaire take a bright young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country. It happens all the time and there’s nothing gay about it.” – Bill Maher

“Why is everything so off limits with Mitt Romney? We can’t ask him about his taxes, we can’t ask him about Bain Capital, his business for 25 years, we can’t ask him about his religion. How can a guy who is such a boring cypher have so many secrets? It’s like waterboarding Ryan Seacrest.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden’s.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama said today he is sticking with Joe Biden. Which means one of two things – either he thinks Biden is doing a good job or Hillary said no.” – Jay Leno

“There are these groups now called ‘Dark Money groups.’ Karl Rove heads one; the evil Koch brothers head another. They have spent more money on TV ads than all the Super PACs combined. They are called dark money groups because they don’t have to reveal where the money is coming from — no identity. It’s the fundraising version of a glory hole. Karl Rove is on all fours in the bathroom stall and whatever comes through that hole, he sucks.” – Bill Maher

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn’t want to, but they’re going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama said today he’s working on a plan to release oil before November to lower gas prices. It will be released from our Strategic Election Reserves.” – Jay Leno

“New Rule: Scientists must explain how it’s possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world.” – Bill Maher

“A new study found that about one percent of the U.S. population is allergic to gluten, while the other 99 percent are sick of having to hear about it.” – Jimmy Fallon

UPDATE:

“Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he’s a fiscal conservative, and that’s a perfect balance for Romney who’s a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs.” – David Letterman

“Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally.” – Jay Leno

“It was so hot Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth just to cool it off.” – Jay Leno

“Biden has made too many mistakes for Obama and he’s fed up. So today President Obama called Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Biden.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket and I was thinking, ‘Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?'” – David Letterman

“President Obama visited a wind farm in Iowa. You know, just one wind farm with 50 turbines generates as much wind power as a single Joe Biden speech.” – Jay Leno

“The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer and President Obama drinks it when out campaigning. And even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don’t like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already. One of the Muppets is living in a garbage can.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Porn star Jenna Jameson has come out for Mitt Romney. So this election could have a happy ending after all.” – Jay Leno

“Endorsed by Jenna Jameson; how is that possible? The Democrats are losing the porn star vote? Let me tell you, that would never have happened under Bill Clinton.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year – a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he’s not going.” – Jay Leno

“A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to a new poll, atheism is becoming more and more popular among Americans. God only knows why.” – Jay Leno

“The U.S. military is sending surveillance blimps to monitor the U.S. border with Mexico. It’s a great plan until everyone looks up and sees the blimps.” – Jimmy Fallon