Political Irony

“The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; the Republicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus.” – Bill Maher

“The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like ‘Antiques Roadshow’.” – Bill Maher

“When you look at the two conventions, the speeches at the Democratic convention were just better. Go back and watch Mitt Romney. After seeing Michele Obama speak, and Bill Clinton speak, and the president speak, it’s like watching an armless guy paint with his ass.” – Bill Maher

“Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape.” – Bill Maher

“Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, ‘No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.'” – Bill Maher

“Clinton was just devastating in his simplicity. He said, ‘I came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was four.’ And over at Fox News they said, ‘Get the fact checkers on that.'” – Bill Maher

“It really was a dream night for Bill Clinton – Democrats in love with him, hanging on his every word, Hillary was in China 10,000 miles away. We don’t even know if she saw the speech. In fact, someone said to her today, ‘Did you catch Bill in Charlotte?’ And she said, ‘Who’s Charlotte?'” – Bill Maher

“Clinton killed them with one word: arithmetic. He said Republicans lack skills in arithmetic, which by the way, is not fair to Sarah Palin because if there’s one thing her family has proved it can do is multiply.” – Bill Maher

“Last night in his speech President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF.” – Jay Leno

“It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions.” – Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper.” – Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama spoke last night. The speech must have been pretty good because today Clint Eastwood said he was voting for the chair.” – Bill Maher

“There was a big shakeup on ‘American Idol.’ There is still a vacant judge’s seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.” – Craig Ferguson

“When it came to ‘hope’ and ‘change’ President Obama told the crowd, ‘You were the change.’ And then the crowd said, ‘Hey don’t blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'” – Jay Leno

“Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, ‘Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!'” – Jay Leno

Larry David argues that even if you aren’t better off than you were four years ago, at least you weren’t hit by an asteroid!

It is interesting to see how people react to this video. Is Stewart trying to be balanced? Is he making fun of people’s attitudes toward Obama? Are people afraid of criticism of Obama, since the alternative would be (much much) worse?

At least we can all agree that McCain and Palin would have almost certainly brought on a zombie apocalypse!

“I’m very excited; we have Ron Paul on the show tonight. Unlike the Republicans, we’re actually going to let him speak.” – Jay Leno

“That had to be rough for Ron Paul. You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn’t even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood.” – Jay Leno

“Outside it’s like 82 and cloudy – like Clint Eastwood.” – David Letterman

“Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead ‘to a thousand years of darkness.’ Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Republicans are really going after Obama. They asked, ‘Are you better off now than you were four years ago?’ Americans said ‘No, we’re worse off because we never heard of Honey Boo Boo.'” – Conan O’Brien

“But Paul [Ryan], my man, be smart about this. You keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet … check yourself before you wreck yourself.” – Stephen Colbert

“Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was ‘Hope and change.’ This year the theme is ‘Hope you don’t make a change.'” – Jay Leno

“The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn’t bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn’t his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he’s given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you’re looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?” – Craig Ferguson

“Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it’s Mitt Romney’s dog.” – Jay Leno

“Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood’s speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience.” – Craig Ferguson

“Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he’ll also be at the convention.” – David Letterman

“The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks.” – Jay Leno

“There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, ‘Eh, it’s OK’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn’t a real member of Congress because he was buying his drinks with his own money.” – Jay Leno

“If you’re a donor to President Obama’s campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer.” – David Letterman

“On Saturday the White House released President Obama’s personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That’s how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he’s drinking beer he made in his bathtub.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy. – David Letterman

“Did you have a nice Labor Day? It’s the day we honor the American worker. When I say an American worker, I mean an 8-year-old kid in China.” – David Letterman