Political Irony

“They taped Mitt Romney explaining his positions in a roomful of rich scumbags, I’m sorry, I meant heroic job creators. And he said 47 percent of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And he said, ‘My job is not to worry about those people.’ You know, where do people get the stuff that Mitt Romney is a heartless, calculating cocksucker?” – Bill Maher

“This tape is like so incriminating. Everything that liberals suspect Mitt Romney says behind closed doors, now there’s a tape of Mitt Romney saying that exactly behind closed doors. It’s like if Republicans had a tape of Obama where he was reading Karl Marx with a highlighter while forging a birth certificate and getting blown by Cleopatra Jones.” – Bill Maher

“Even Republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They’re very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly.” – Bill Maher

At this point he kind of has to own it. His new campaign slogan is: ‘Get out of my sight, America, you make me sick.'” – Bill Maher

“A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family.” – Craig Ferguson

“I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan.” – Jay Leno

“It’s gotten so bad for poor Mitt Romney that Tim Pawlenty – he was the co-chair of Mitt’s campaign – he resigned. Isn’t that kind of the ultimate sign that your campaign is in trouble, when Tim Pawlenty is afraid you’ll make him look like a loser?” – Bill Maher

“It’s been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. I think the technical term is ‘jumping ship’.” – Jay Leno

“New documents show that Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney’s advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he’s not going to vote for himself.” – Conan O’Brien

“Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not ‘presidential’. Vice presidential, sure. That’s Joe Biden territory.” – Jay Leno

Polls show Obama is now pulling away Mitt Romney. What could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It’s called, ‘Least we can do’ — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney’s campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can’t do it, and he’s got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog.” – Jay Leno

“In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there’s one thing he’s learned, it’s that you can’t change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?” – Jay Leno

“Obama has gone from ‘Yes we can.’ to ‘I’m sorry. No one can.'” – Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“Newsweek has a new cover story titled ‘Muslim Rage.’ Can you believe that? They’re still publishing Newsweek.” – Jay Leno

“It’s Fall. Unless you’re Mitt Romney, and then it’s freefall.” – David Letterman

“Romney said he doesn’t watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ because if Romney wants to see rich people say dumb things on camera he can watch that fundraiser video.” – Jimmy Fallon

“What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters.” – Stephen Colbert

“He attacks the 47 percent of the American people who he says pay no federal taxes. And he attacks, he, Romney? Attacking someone on taxes? I mean, Woah! That’s like me attacking someone for being passionate in politics.” – VP Joe Biden (using himself as part of the punchline of a joke)

“Mitt Romney says that about half the country are freeloaders. And freeloaders – that includes wealthy politicians who only pay 13 percent in tax.” – David Letterman

“I like Mitt. Listen to this. He has alienated the young people, alienated the old people, alienated women, alienated minorities, alienated gays. I’m telling you, this takes talent.” – David Letterman

“Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.” – Stephen Colbert

“As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. And believe, if there’s one thing that President Obama is good at lately, it’s lowering expectations.” – Jay Leno

Saturday Night Live asks a very important question, and they want answers!

© Ruben Bolling

God commanded “Thou shalt not kill”. Four words, each of one syllable. Could he spell it out any clearer?

“Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he’d have a better shot of winning… But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He’s looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that’s one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won’t get.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mitt Romney was on ‘Live With Kelly and Michael.’ At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It’s the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney’s campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, ‘Soon-ish’.” – Conan O’Brien

“On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, ‘Look at that – another job lost under President Obama.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that’s because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that’s a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. Michelle is hoping Beyonce will sing ‘All the Single Ladies,’ while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing ‘Bootylicious'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today is the one-year anniversary of occupying Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s Opening Day of the U.N in New York… Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here. He says he hates gay people and he hates Jews. Boy is he in the wrong town.” – David Letterman

“I’m watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They’re all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?” – Jay Leno

“Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray.” – Jay Leno

“All over the world people are chanting, ‘Death to America.’ Except in China, where they’re chanting, ‘Not until we get our money back’.” – Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called ‘Total Recall.’ In response, she’s written a book about their affair called ‘Alien vs. Predator.'” – Conan O’Brien