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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, October 15, 2012

“Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, ‘the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don’t know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week’s presidential debate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it’s been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can’t wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.” – Jay Leno

“I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a shitty recipe.” – Jon Stewart (on Republican accusations that Obama manipulated the unemployment numbers)

“It’s Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.” – David Letterman

“Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement.” – Jon Stewart (on Sesame Street)

“Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He’s taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?” – David Letterman

“The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him ‘like a cannonball’. In response, Biden was like, ‘There’s gonna be a pool there?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise.” – David Letterman

“While the average American’s net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn’t motivated to do anything — they’re the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don’t work out next month.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Vague Against the Machine!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Jon Stewart brilliantly points out that Mitt Romney hangs himself with his own words:

Sorry about having three videos, but all three are must sees (and they are relatively short).

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Aborted Stance

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Does anyone know where Mitt Romney actually stands on abortion and choice? It seems to change every day.

Last week, Romney told an Iowa newspaper that abortion legislation would not be part of his agenda if elected. “There’s no legislation with regards to abortion that I’m familiar with that would become part of my agenda.”

But less than 24 hours later, Romney promised that he would govern as a “pro-life president” and would “immediately” defund Planned Parenthood. He also said he would prohibit funding to any international family planning groups that provide abortions.

Just to confuse things further, in the middle of all this Romney spokeswoman Andrea Saul said “Mitt Romney is proudly pro-life, and he will be a pro-life president.” She later added Romney “would of course support legislation aimed at providing greater protections for life.”

Wow, a direct contradiction in less than 24 hours.

He did the same flip flop when he was running for governor of Massachusetts in 2002. He promised to maintain the status quo of abortion rights, and even filled out a Planned Parenthood questionnaire saying that he supported “the substance” of Roe v Wade. He even told abortion rights advocates that he would be a “good voice” for them. But once he was elected, he vetoed a bill that would provide emergency contraception using the “morning after pill” because that drug would “terminate life after conception”. Romney also cited his anti-abortion views in taking a stand against using embryos for scientific experimentation.

And of course, Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan, co-sponsored a “personhood” amendment that would mean that terminating a pregnancy would be illegal, even in cases of rape.

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, October 14, 2012

“During Wednesday’s debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it’s a surprising threat considering that ‘Mitt’ is such an excellent Muppet name.” – Seth Meyers

“Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week’s Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this.” – Seth Meyers

“According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday’s debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?” – Seth Meyers

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Turn to the Right?

Saturday, October 13, 2012


© Tom Toles

Did the first presidential debate really change things that dramatically? Or is the media jumping on this in order to keep the horse race close and attract election-weary viewers?

Did Joe Biden’s debate performance stop the Democratic freak out? Or at least slow it down?

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Sexism Down Under

Saturday, October 13, 2012

We now take a short break from moaning about the sorry state of US politics to see that things are just as interesting in the rest of the world.

Here’s an interesting video of the Prime Minister of Australia opening a can of whoop-ass on the opposition leader on the floor of their parliament.

What happened is that the Leader of the Opposition, Tony Abbott, led the charge to sack the Speaker of the House after a court released misogynistic text messages that the Speaker had sent. Abbott called the texts ‘vile’. Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia then lays into Abbott for his hypocrisy in calling someone else a misogynist, bringing out a range of choice quotes made when Abbott was a Minister (sort-of like a cabinet member here) under John Howard’s Liberal Government (which confusingly for Americans, was a center-right government).

[Hat tip to reader Steve Thomson]

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Eternal Elections

Saturday, October 13, 2012

John Oliver sees a bright side to all the election spending, and wants more:

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, October 12, 2012

“New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers.” – Bill Maher

“You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullshit. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they’re going to reboot a campaign, they don’t just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer.” – Bill Maher

“I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, ‘That motherfucker is good’.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she’s making love to someone else.” – Bill Maher

“It’s Mormon in America again. I haven’t seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda.” – David Letterman

“Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.” – Bill Maher

“Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski.” – Bill Maher

“Obama’s wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left.” – Bill Maher

“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, ‘Any way they can play him in a debate?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It’s like he took my million and spent it all on weed.” – Bill Maher

“I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert.” – Bill Maher

“At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him.” – Bill Maher

“Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.” – David Letterman

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, ‘Well, what about just for fun?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Twitter said today that Wednesday night’s debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?” – Jay Leno

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Weird Science

Friday, October 12, 2012


© Keith Knight

Where do these people come from? And how do they get elected and put into positions of responsibility over our future?

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A Quote Everyone Can Agree On

Friday, October 12, 2012

A dead-on quote from Matt Taibbi that I think everyone, regardless to where they fall on the political spectrum, can agree:

What we Americans go through to pick a president is not only crazy and unnecessary but genuinely abusive. Hundreds of millions of dollars are spent in a craven, cynical effort to stir up hatred and anger on both sides. A decision that in reality takes one or two days of careful research to make is somehow stretched out into a process that involves two years of relentless, suffocating mind-warfare, an onslaught of toxic media messaging directed at liberals, conservatives and everyone in between that by Election Day makes every dinner conversation dangerous and literally divides families.

The entire (rather short) article is worth a read.

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Friendly Fire

Thursday, October 11, 2012

If you do a Google image search on “completely wrong” (or just click the link), you’ll get back a bunch of images of Mitt Romney.

Some sites are calling this a “Googlebomb”, where social networkers deliberately attach a phrase to a person (the most famous being “Santorum“)

But I suspect that this one was not done on purpose. I think it is more likely that it is the result of Romney himself saying that his comments about the 47% were completely wrong.

Hat tip to CBS DC.

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Thanks, but no Tanks

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Who could resist an article — from CNN of all people — with a headline of “Thanks but no tanks”? Not me, obviously.

Good thing the article is definitely worth a read. It details how the same Congress that is screaming about deficits is insisting that the military spend $181 million for tanks that the Army doesn’t want or need. Yes, the same Congress that proclaims that presidents should listen to generals won’t listen to them.

According to one defense expert:

The fact that the military is having such a hard time getting this relatively small amount of money to be saved, I think is an indication of the huge uphill fight that the military faces when it comes to Congress. Congress is going to fight tooth and nail to protect defense investments that benefit their constituents and the people that live in their states.

In other words, welfare is ok when it goes to corporations, and especially ones that suck from the defense budget.


© Chris Britt

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Mister Romney’s Neighborhood

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Jimmy Fallon plays Mitt Romney playing Mister Rogers:

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Loopholes

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Village Voice has an excellent article listing “the ten most corrupt tax loopholes”. Mitt Romney says he will balance the budget (while cutting taxes and increasing military spending) by closing tax loopholes. But he won’t tell us which loopholes.

For example, the loophole that allows Apple to pretend they are an Irish company and thus avoid taxes on their most valuable assets. If Apple were a drug pusher, they would be arrested for money laundering. And not just Apple — money laundering like this is practiced by corporations like Google, Facebook, Microsoft, Eli Lilly, and Pfizer.

Or the “loophole” that allows passive investors to pay less in taxes than people who work. Even Ronald Reagan made the capital gains tax the same as the highest personal income tax rate.

There are eight others, including breaks for shipping jobs overseas, allowing corporations like Facebook to undervalue their stock and write off the difference, $20 billion given to the oil industry that even they say they don’t need, Delaware — our own onshore corporate tax haven, allowing the rich to save on their yacht using the home interest deduction, and (my personal pet peeve) tax bribes to get companies to move factories from one state to another.

These loopholes represent hundreds of billions or even trillions in dollars of revenue lost to the government. Of course, Romney and other Republicans have been the prime beneficiaries of lobbying money that is going to keep and expand these loopholes. Not to mention that Romney himself made most of his own money exploiting these loopholes to the max. And the lobbying has paid off — previous laws to eliminate these loopholes have been viciously blocked by Republicans. Does anyone actually believe that Romney will do anything to eliminate them?


© Clay Bennett

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Media Balance

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


© David Horsey

Who else thinks that defunding PBS has nothing to do with balancing the budget, and everything to do with pushing the Republican agenda. After all, you can’t buy public television.

As the cartoonist David Horsey put it:

So, after many long months of campaigning and promising to cut the deficit while also cutting taxes, the single genuine and specific spending reduction Romney has stipulated is the one one-hundredth of a percent of federal expenditures that helps pay for Big Bird, Downton Abbey and the rest of the PBS lineup. Defenders of PBS were quick to point out that eliminating the federal subsidy for public television would trim an amount equal to just six hours – 360 minutes – of spending at the Pentagon.

It seems as if it would be more effective to leave PBS with its minuscule piece of federal largess and, instead, cut six hours – or maybe 24 or 48 hours – of military spending, right? Apparently not to Romney. Rather than trimming the Defense Department budget, he has proposed a radical spike in defense outlays that would take military spending to the highest level in 60 years.

We already spend more on our military than the next ten countries combined. We need more weapons, and less education for our young children? That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

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