Political Irony

“During Wednesday’s debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it’s a surprising threat considering that ‘Mitt’ is such an excellent Muppet name.” – Seth Meyers

“Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week’s Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this.” – Seth Meyers

“According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday’s debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.” – Seth Meyers

“In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?” – Seth Meyers

“New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers.” – Bill Maher

“You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullshit. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they’re going to reboot a campaign, they don’t just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer.” – Bill Maher

“I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, ‘That motherfucker is good’.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she’s making love to someone else.” – Bill Maher

“It’s Mormon in America again. I haven’t seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'” – Bill Maher

“Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda.” – David Letterman

“Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.” – Bill Maher

“Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski.” – Bill Maher

“Obama’s wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently had the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left.” – Bill Maher

“In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, ‘Any way they can play him in a debate?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“I’m sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It’s like he took my million and spent it all on weed.” – Bill Maher

“I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert.” – Bill Maher

“At one point Obama looked so dead, Romney tried to baptize him.” – Bill Maher

“Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.” – David Letterman

“In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, ‘Well, what about just for fun?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Twitter said today that Wednesday night’s debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?” – Jay Leno

“After months of buildup, last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn’t show up to the event — Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s like Obama wasn’t even there. He hasn’t done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood.” – Stephen Colbert

“They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn’t tune in was President Obama. What happened?” – Jay Leno

“There is no red America! There is no blue America! There is only the America that can’t believe how bad this guy did in the debate.” – Jon Stewart

“A lot of people disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, ‘At the next debate, no more angry birds’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife’s friends at a dinner party.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it.” – Jay Leno

“Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife’s friends at a dinner party.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“At one point last night President said the one thing about being president is learning to say no — especially when someone asks, ‘Do you feel ready for this debate?'” – Conan O’Brien

“The president seemed to give long-winded, disjointed answers during last night’s debate. Even Gary Busey was like, ‘Dude, you’ve got to focus.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.” – Jay Leno

“Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so fuck it.'” – Stephen Colbert (on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate)

“Say what you will about Mitt Romney. Less night I thought he was energetic, he was crisp, he was dynamic. What have you done with the real Mitt Romney?” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote.” – David Letterman

“He just told the moderator — who works at PBS — I’m going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn’t just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha!” –Stephen Colbert (impersonating Sesame Street’s The Count, referring to Romney’s attack on the popular children’s show)

“During last night’s debate, Mitt Romney said he’d cut funds to PBS, even though he loves Big Bird. He’s definitely against whatever the hell Bert and Ernie are up to.” – Conan O’Brien

“During last night’s debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, “Can you explain your tax plan?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney said he’s going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It’s interesting — one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney went after PBS last night. It’s about time someone went after those guys. It’s about time someone took some starch out of their collars.” – Conan O’Brien

“60 million people watched this from around the world. And from the Cayman Islands, even Mitt’s money was watching.” – David Letterman

“Moderator for the debate last night was Jim Lehrer of PBS, and Jim was as in control of this evening as a replacement referee.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Jim Lehrer had trouble making sure the candidates stuck to the rules last night. Even NFL replacement refs were like, ‘This guy’s a disaster!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The only thing that could have salvaged the president’s performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.” – Jimmy Kimmel