Political Irony

© Tom Tomorrow

If you just believe hard enough, gosh, anything is possible! History is littered with the carcasses of failed empires that started believing their own PR.

“The debates are over. All that’s left right now is to set up and rig the voting machines.” – David Letterman

“According to the latest poll, 80 percent of the people polled are sick and tired of hearing about the latest polls.” – Jay Leno

“Studies show that votes cast in the days leading up to the election tend to favor the Democratic Party and votes cast AFTER an election tend to favor the marijuana party. The Green Party. Is that what they call it?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. This news surprised many elderly Americans who thought they were the same person.” – Craig Ferguson

“Michelle Obama is with us tonight. She’ll encourage us to vote early. Most Republicans are opposed, because they believe that voting starts at conception.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m looking forward to interviewing the first lady. I sat next to her when I hosted the White House Correspondents Dinner. But it’s hard to have a conversation with Newt Gingrich yelling ‘You gonna eat that’ over and over again in my ear.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s been some talk about making Election Day a national holiday so people have more time to vote. I think people are so sick of this election. How about making the day AFTER Election Day the holiday?” – Jay Leno

“While he was at a diner this week in Ohio, a man told Joe Biden that he’s a good guy but a bad vice president. Which gets even worse when you hear that was the only thing President Obama said the entire lunch.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Home sales are up. That’s certainly good news. Do you know the most expensive home for sale in the country right now? The White House.” – Jay Leno

“Anybody excited about the World Series? The San Francisco Giants, who looked pretty good last night, face the Detroit Tigers. Here’s what I predict. I predict the whole thing will be decided in Ohio.” – David Letterman

“Sandoval hit three homers in the first game against the Tigers in the World Series, and today, first thing, Donald Trump demanded to see his birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you’re $16 trillion in debt, they don’t let you in.” – Jay Leno

“We are very excited to have the president of the United States on the show tonight. As you know, he only does these shows maybe once or twice a week.” – Jay Leno

[Leno and Obama]
Leno to Obama: “What’s this thing with Trump and you? It’s like me and Letterman. I don’t get it.”
Obama: “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya.”

“Donald Trump said he’d give $5 million to charity if President Obama released his college transcripts. Obama responded by sending Trump a full transcript from his alma mater, the University of Shove It Up Your Ass.” – Conan O’Brien

“Actually, do you know why the president is here tonight? Do you know the real reason? To talk to NBC about canceling ‘The Apprentice’.” – Jay Leno

“The first lady will be a guest on our show tomorrow. She’ll be here to promote her new reality show, ‘America’s Next Top Lady’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’m excited to get a chance to interview the first lady and excited about partying with her Secret Service agents after the show.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll found that 59 percent of Americans would rather eat a burger with President Obama while only 41 percent would eat one with Mitt Romney. While most Americans don’t care who they’re with, as long as they get that burger. ” – Jimmy Fallon

“Even though he’s spending all day on Air Force One, there’s an office on the plane where the president can work. It’s just like being in Washington. He’s got the desk, he’s got the computer, and he even has a closet that has a group of Republicans who pop out and block anything he tries to do.” – Jay Leno

“Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety. Those are the eight states.” – Jay Leno

“Do you know who is endorsing Mitt Romney? Lindsay Lohan. It may seem silly to you but not to the Romney campaign. They’re very excited. They said they have a chance now to get the shoplifter vote.” – David Letterman

“A source close to Mitt Romney revealed that he gets a spray tan before major campaign events. I guess that explains his new Secret Service code name: ‘The Mittuation.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier today, vice-presidential hopeful Paul Ryan gave a major policy address on poverty. We’re still not sure whether he’s for it or against it, but he was talking about poverty.” – David Letterman

If you somehow missed the internet meme that inspired this, here it is — Gangnam Style. Ironically, PSY’s Gangnam Style video is making fun of the uber-affluent, soul-less area of Seoul “where people are rich, girls are pretty and everything is supposed to be cool“. And where people own horses they don’t ride. Sound familiar?

© Ruben Bolling

My favorite is “Diarrhyan”, but mostly because I had to say it out loud before I got the joke. After that, I got “HemorRoves” much more quickly.