Political Irony

“Last night, Mitt Romney said when he was looking to hire females, he would browse through ‘binders full of women.’ Romney said he got the idea from Tom Cruise.” – Conan O’Brien

“Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever.” – Jon Stewart

“On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filling cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had ‘binders full of women’, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they’d find in a serial killer’s basement at the end of Law & Order SVU.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Maybe for Mitt Romney that’s the closest he’s ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney’s policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama’s strategy of staying awake through this one paid off.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy.” – Stephen Colbert (on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate)

“The format of the debate was a town hall meeting. Before last night, I didn’t know town hall meetings were a real thing. I thought they made them up for movies like ‘Footloose’ and ‘Hoosiers’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Everyone on TV has said everything there is to say about the last presidential debate, so there’s no political commentary here. Tuning into this show for political commentary is like watching Bravo to learn about sports. Or like going to Larry King for marital advice.” – Craig Ferguson

“Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet.” – Craig Ferguson

“Shocking. A conservative Republican congressman was caught having an illicit affair — and it wasn’t with a man, woohoo!” – Stephen Colbert

“The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as ‘Money Bag’.” – Conan O’Brien

“They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn’t it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One of President Obama’s goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said ‘Boooo, China.’ And Obama was like, ‘Yay, old people’.” – Craig Ferguson

“Tonight’s debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight’s debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Apparently Mitt Romney wants to limit his appearances to places where no one will attack his positions. You know, like the debates.” – Craig Ferguson

“I don’t know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She’s pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It’s an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president.” – Conan O’Brien

© Brian McFadden

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Stephen Colbert is brilliant:

“The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night. Democrats took a pounding at the last debate, so now they’re going to be a little more aggressive. Joe Biden is thinking of opening with a head butt.” – David Letterman

“You know Obama’s campaign is in trouble when they’re looking to Joe Biden to turn things around.” – David Letterman

“Tomorrow night Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be facing off in the vice-presidential debate. The White House was a little worried. In fact, Biden’s handlers are telling him, ‘Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be anybody else.'” – Jay Leno

“Here comes the vice-presidential debate. My favorite part of a debate is when a candidate will tell a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state.” – David Letterman

“It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn’t there for the last one either.” – David Letterman

“This week the Obamas’ dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from ‘Change you can believe in’ to ‘Can you believe there’s no change.'” – Jay Leno

“The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, ‘That’s too many locations, man.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called ‘Kids Pick the President.’ Romney said it’s nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents.” – Jay Leno

“People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney’s son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That’s right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son’s shoulder and said ‘Tagg, you’re it!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Can you believe it’s only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?” – Jay Leno

“A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe – well, you’re probably one of them.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, ‘the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don’t know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week’s presidential debate.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it’s been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can’t wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.” – Jay Leno

“I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a shitty recipe.” – Jon Stewart (on Republican accusations that Obama manipulated the unemployment numbers)

“It’s Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.” – David Letterman

“Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement.” – Jon Stewart (on Sesame Street)

“Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He’s taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?” – David Letterman

“The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him ‘like a cannonball’. In response, Biden was like, ‘There’s gonna be a pool there?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise.” – David Letterman

“While the average American’s net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn’t motivated to do anything — they’re the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don’t work out next month.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.” – Jimmy Kimmel