Political Irony

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up.” – Bill Maher

“Oabma’s been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, they’re heart’s not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchanan said, “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'” – Bill Maher

“Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, ‘What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a fucking moron?” – Bill Maher

“What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that’s what Mitt is all about — people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it.” – Bill Maher

“Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty.” – Bill Maher

“They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don’t even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what’s going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?” – David Letterman

Tonight they’re having a big benefit that is bothering Fox News on NBC for the victims, with all the stars from New York and New Jersey: Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi. On FOX they said ‘where are the conservative performers?’ That’s right, that’s what would help so much. ‘Thank you Bruce Springsteen. And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy.'” – Bill Maher

“They also on Fox News questioned the timing of the benefit. They said, what’s the rush? I know, when will liberals get it? Storm victims do not want food and blankets, they want answers about Benghazi.” – Bill Maher

“On Fox News they’re obsessed with Benghazi. They want answers. They’re like a teen boy reaching into a pair of panties for the first time. They’re not sure what it is, they’re not sure where it is but they know there’s something in there and they’re going to find it.” – Bill Maher

“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden…he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode.” – Bill Maher

“You almost have to admire the – I can only describe it as the political zen of this man, where the past is always an illusion, and the lying bullshit you say in this perfect moment is all that matters.” – Bill Maher

“You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we’ll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That’s good news.” – David Letterman

“The election is four days away, and more than 2.7 million people in Florida have already cast their vote. Unfortunately, since it’s Florida most of them just stuffed their ballot into a toaster oven.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He’s urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like ‘Romnesia.’ Then he said, ‘I mean it’s just an ‘Obamanation’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney’s tax returns.” – David Letterman

“This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds.” – David Letterman

“Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they’d give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean.” – Conan O’Brien

“It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together.” – David Letterman

“President Obama canceled the annual White House Halloween party. He didn’t want to; he just didn’t want to risk a trick-or-treater asking him a question about Libya.” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey is in bad shape. Governor Christie announced water restrictions. No one is allowed to water their lawns, but they just got 18 feet of water so that seems like a reasonable request.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats – which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday’s marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds.” – David Letterman

“The power is still out for 4.5 million people. And they say 20 percent of the cell towers in New York have been wiped out. That means people have been resorting to using pay phones. They’re so filthy I’d rather write a letter.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Italy’s former prime minster Sylvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination.” – Jay Leno

“Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night I answered the door and there was a kid lying on the porch. He was playing dead. I said: ‘What are you supposed to be?’ He said: ‘the economy’.” – Jay Leno

“A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Two women from the Dominican Republic claim that New Jersey Senator Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. If true, he could be charged with impersonating a Secret Service agent. In his defense, Senator Menendez denies the charges, but I think he’s in trouble. Who’s going to take the word of a politician over a whore?” – Jay Leno

“The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver.” – Conan O’Brien

“Disney has bought the rights to the “Star Wars” movies for $4 billion. “Star Wars” fans are passionate. Most don’t like the newer movies. But some people prefer them to the originals. These people are known as idiots.” – Craig Ferguson

“The new films will be made by Disney. I’ve worked with Disney. They’re a great company to work for. If I don’t say that, they’ll hurt me.” – Craig Ferguson

“George Lucas says that before he closed the deal with Disney, he gave rough outlines for episodes seven, eight, and nine that he wrote himself. Disney was like, “Great, George. We’ll just put them on the fridge.” – Craig Ferguson