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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, November 9, 2012

“Everyone is asking how this storm is going to affect the election. I think it’s given Obama momentum because of how he handled it. He approached it so differently than Bush; he showed up.” – Bill Maher

“Oabma’s been getting bipartisan praise for how he handled the hurricane. Even Fox News tried to praise it. Of course, they’re heart’s not in it. The best they could do was Pat Buchanan said, “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'” – Bill Maher

“Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, ‘What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a fucking moron?” – Bill Maher

“What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that’s what Mitt is all about — people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it.” – Bill Maher

“Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty.” – Bill Maher

“They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“The New York Marathon is now not happening on Sunday. Mayor Bloomberg canceled it. I think that was the right thing to do. In fact, I don’t even know why they bother running the marathon. We know what’s going to happen. Why not just find a random Kenyan, put a medal around his neck, and save everyone the trouble?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“New York City is desperately trying to return to normal. Wait a minute. When were we normal?” – David Letterman

Tonight they’re having a big benefit that is bothering Fox News on NBC for the victims, with all the stars from New York and New Jersey: Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi. On FOX they said ‘where are the conservative performers?’ That’s right, that’s what would help so much. ‘Thank you Bruce Springsteen. And now a dramatic reading from the Starr Report by John Voight and the remaining Oakridge Boy.'” – Bill Maher

“They also on Fox News questioned the timing of the benefit. They said, what’s the rush? I know, when will liberals get it? Storm victims do not want food and blankets, they want answers about Benghazi.” – Bill Maher

“On Fox News they’re obsessed with Benghazi. They want answers. They’re like a teen boy reaching into a pair of panties for the first time. They’re not sure what it is, they’re not sure where it is but they know there’s something in there and they’re going to find it.” – Bill Maher

“Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden…he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode.” – Bill Maher

“You almost have to admire the – I can only describe it as the political zen of this man, where the past is always an illusion, and the lying bullshit you say in this perfect moment is all that matters.” – Bill Maher

“You folks ready to vote? On the bright side, after Tuesday we’ll finally be rid of at least one candidate. That’s good news.” – David Letterman

“The election is four days away, and more than 2.7 million people in Florida have already cast their vote. Unfortunately, since it’s Florida most of them just stuffed their ballot into a toaster oven.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney is reminding everybody about changing your clocks. He’s urging his voters, his constituents, and all Americans to turn your clocks back to 1954.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like ‘Romnesia.’ Then he said, ‘I mean it’s just an ‘Obamanation’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Good news for the Republicans: Once the polls close on Tuesday, they’ll be able to bring out Paul Ryan again. He’s been hiding with Mitt Romney’s tax returns.” – David Letterman

“This week the U.S. unveiled a larger, more convenient checkpoint at the border with Mexico. And then Mexicans unveiled a larger, more convenient tunnel around it.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Summing up the Future

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I really like Jon Stewart’s summary of the election and what it should mean for the future, but I fear that Stephen Colbert’s parody of what the Republican reaction will look like may be more accurate:

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Learning from Failure

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Here’s a short reading list of interesting articles about why and how Romney and the Republicans managed to turn almost certain victory into failure.

First stop is a really interesting interactive infographic from Slate, the “Pundit Scorecard”. Go look at it. It is interesting that there were a number of predictions of the presidential election results that were spot on, most significantly Nate Silver but also a few explicitly partisan sources (like DNC chairwoman Donna Brazile). Even more interesting is that every single prediction coming from conservative media was way off the mark, in favor of Romney. Even quite a few predictions coming from supposedly liberal sources (like the Washington Post and MSNBC) or from supposedly liberal contributors to conservative sources (like Lanny Davis on Fox News) overstated Romney’s results.

In fact, you can roughly group the pundits into three distinct categories. There are a few who were remarkably accurate, and every single one of them was associated with liberal sources (there’s that liberal bias of reality again!). Then there is a group of liberal sources who missed the mark in favor of Romney (so much for liberal bias of the MSM). And finally all the conservative sources, who were embarrassingly wrong.

Second stop is our old friend Electoral-Vote, with a quick but insightful analysis of what went wrong for the Republicans. Ironically, they also predict what the Tea Party will say went wrong, and what Karl Rove is probably thinking (Rove being one of the conservatives who totally botched his prediction of the outcome, probably because he spent so much money trying to make it so). And by the way, Electoral-Vote also did a remarkably accurate job predicting the election.

Finally, there are two really good articles from The Atlantic and Mother Jones about why the conservative media failed so badly. To oversimplify, it is because they are far more interested in making money and gaining viewers, than in (you know) actually reporting news (or reality).

The Atlantic frames the question this way:

Before rank-and-file conservatives ask, “What went wrong?”, they should ask themselves a question every bit as important: “Why were we the last to realize that things were going wrong for us?”

Or as Mother Jones puts it:

At some point, Republicans will need to wake up to the current state of affairs and realize they’re being held hostage to a powerful, self-sustaining entertainment industry and that the interests of the party and the interests of Fox News are not one and the same.

Interestingly, I think Bill O’Reilly summed it up well in his debate with Jon Stewart. The problem is that you can make lots of money telling people what they want to hear, rather than the truth.

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Voting Slavishly?

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I found this image on Facebook. I’m not sure if it is valid. First of all, the Washington Territory wasn’t created until 1853, and yet this says the map is from 1846. And the Civil War itself didn’t start until 1861. So this is not a “Civil War Map” and it sure isn’t from 1846.

In fact, this is what the US looked like in 1846:

The question of which territories were open to slavery changed several times. In fact, in 1861, Kansas was admitted as a free state.

But regardless, it is interesting to see the lingering correlation between slavery and our current election results.

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, November 8, 2012

“The hurricane cleanup seems worse than we thought. President Obama came to New Jersey. Chris Christie invited him to come in, and they put politics aside to get New Jersey up and running as soon as possible. And then they had lunch together and President Obama gained 10 pounds.” – David Letterman

“Today Rush Limbaugh joked about President Obama and Chris Christie being gay lovers. Obama and Christie are furious, and said they’d give a formal response as soon as they get back from the Caribbean.” – Conan O’Brien

“It took hurricane-force winds to blow a Democrat and a Republican together.” – David Letterman

“President Obama canceled the annual White House Halloween party. He didn’t want to; he just didn’t want to risk a trick-or-treater asking him a question about Libya.” – Jay Leno

“New Jersey is in bad shape. Governor Christie announced water restrictions. No one is allowed to water their lawns, but they just got 18 feet of water so that seems like a reasonable request.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The East Coast is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Because of congestion, Mayor Bloomberg is only allowing cars with at least three passengers to drive into Manhattan. You can’t cross the bridge with a bunch of empty seats – which was really confusing for Clint Eastwood.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor Bloomberg announced that Sunday’s marathon will go ahead as scheduled. Immediately afterward, Paul Ryan announced he finished in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 12 seconds.” – David Letterman

“The power is still out for 4.5 million people. And they say 20 percent of the cell towers in New York have been wiped out. That means people have been resorting to using pay phones. They’re so filthy I’d rather write a letter.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Italy’s former prime minster Sylvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in prison for tax evasion. You know what you get in America for tax evasion? The Republican presidential nomination.” – Jay Leno

“Today is the first day of November, which means the election will soon be over. And then we can finally get started on the recount.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night I answered the door and there was a kid lying on the porch. He was playing dead. I said: ‘What are you supposed to be?’ He said: ‘the economy’.” – Jay Leno

“A 108-year-old woman in South Carolina just voted for the first time. She voted for Eisenhower — but still, good for her.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Two women from the Dominican Republic claim that New Jersey Senator Senator Bob Menendez paid them for sex. If true, he could be charged with impersonating a Secret Service agent. In his defense, Senator Menendez denies the charges, but I think he’s in trouble. Who’s going to take the word of a politician over a whore?” – Jay Leno

“The International Olympic Committee is investigating Lance Armstrong for the bronze medal he won at the 2000 Olympics. A little tip for the IOC: If Lance was on steroids and he came in third, you might want to take a peek at the guys with gold and silver.” – Conan O’Brien

“Disney has bought the rights to the “Star Wars” movies for $4 billion. “Star Wars” fans are passionate. Most don’t like the newer movies. But some people prefer them to the originals. These people are known as idiots.” – Craig Ferguson

“The new films will be made by Disney. I’ve worked with Disney. They’re a great company to work for. If I don’t say that, they’ll hurt me.” – Craig Ferguson

“George Lucas says that before he closed the deal with Disney, he gave rough outlines for episodes seven, eight, and nine that he wrote himself. Disney was like, “Great, George. We’ll just put them on the fridge.” – Craig Ferguson

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The Vanishing WASP

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

One of the few interesting things I heard while watching election coverage last night was the observation that this was the first presidential election in our country’s history where none of the main contenders for president and vice-president were white protestants.

Obama is the only protestant, but is not white.
Romney is white, but a member of the LDS church.
Biden and Ryan are both Roman Catholics (in fact, Biden was our first Catholic VP).

Not so long ago, all four were pretty much guaranteed to be white protestants, with few exceptions.

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No Banana

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


© Tom Toles

And the best news was that it was over relatively quickly.

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Election Highlights

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A few months ago, everyone predicted the GOP would win a majority in the Senate. Instead, the unthinkable happened and Dems actually gained in the Senate. They also gained around ten seats in the House.

Gay marriage has been on various state ballots 33 times, and always lost. Until now. Last night four states approved gay marriage. And Tammy Baldwin became the first openly gay senator ever elected.

Two states legalized marijuana.

New Hampshire now has women in all their House and Senate positions, plus as their governor.

And the presidential election wasn’t as close as predicted. The GOP bet everything, including insane amounts of money, on Romney and lost. You can’t buy everything.

All in all, it was a great night for progressives.

I predict that Congress will pass immigration reform in the next four years, and probably before the next midterm elections. The Latino vote really hurt the GOP and they know it.

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Un-True the Vote

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The conservative organization “True the Vote” was trying to place election observers at precincts in central Ohio, mainly “focusing on African American districts”. But the local election board discovered that they had forged the candidate signatures that are required to allow observers to gain access to polling stations.

One election board member said he was “amazed that a group that goes to such extreme lengths to claim voting fraud in Ohio would knowingly forge or misuse signatures to try to gain access to Franklin County polling locations.” The board (made up of both Republicans and Democrats) unanimously rejected the forms and will not allow True the Vote access to polling locations.

Printed on the forms containing the forged signatures is the statement that “election falsification is a 5th degree felony”. What does it tell you when a group claiming to be trying to prevent voting fraud purposely commits felony-level fraud?

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When Women Vote

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Created by Sarah Sophie Flicker.

Amazing and ironic to think that Lesley Gore originally created this hit back in 1964.

And is that Carrie Brownstein of Portlandia at 1:38? It is! Also Lena Dunham, Alexa Chung, Miranda July, Tavi Gevinson, and others. Full list here.

For more information about this video, see this, or this.

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Who Won The Election

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Ok, so you want to know who wins the election, but you don’t want to be glued to the media all day. Here’s your guide to the important events that will determine the outcome. The only problem I see is that they give only closing time for the polls. In some states, it could take hours or even days after the polls close to determine a winner.

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Irony

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


© Ben Sargent

Shouldn’t that building also hold the “Association of Small Government Advocates”?

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Checks and Balances

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


© Bob Gorrell

Not only should you be sure to vote, but you should encourage your friends and family to vote.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

“The presidential race continues. Did you forget about that for a few days? Maybe the only good thing about the hurricane is that we forgot about the presidential race.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney resumed campaigning today. He was visiting those hardest hit by the storm, and that would be swing-state Latinos.” – David Letterman

“Folks, it’s one week before the election, and Christie is praising a Democrat. What’s next, a Democrat praising Christie? It’s unnatural; it’s like kissing your sister. Which, by the way, would be federal law if Obama is elected.” – Stephen Colbert

“Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“That is an interesting point coming from a former FEMA director and current Applebee’s employee of the week.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter.” – Stephen Colbert

“Well, we have an audience back. Even before Hurricane Sandy I always thought that it took a great deal of courage for people to sit through this show.” – David Letterman

“The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they’re able to restore the scent of urine. That’s why I’m calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves.” – Stephen Colbert

“Economists say rebuilding after Hurricane Sandy will give the ailing construction industry a huge boost. In fact, the storm has already created more jobs than President Obama.” – Jay Leno

“In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots.” – Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump, did you see him today? He was giving candy only to kids who could show their birth certificate and their school records.” – Jay Leno

“I had a trick-or-treater tonight who stood outside on my porch for an hour, didn’t ring the bell, didn’t knock on the door. I said, ‘Who are you supposed to be?’ He said, ‘I’m an undecided voter.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama canceled the White House Halloween party. He canceled after hearing Joe Biden was coming as ‘Slutty Joe Biden’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Due to the tough economy, two of the world’s biggest publishing houses have decided to merge and become one. In fact, they’re only going to publish one book this year – ’50 Shades of Harry Potter’.” – Conan O’Brien

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Don’t Make Fun of Mother Nature

Monday, November 5, 2012

What I find ironic about all this is that even though Mitt Romney claims to be a good businessman, even businesses are waking up to the fact that they have to do something about climate change.

Take the recent cover article from Bloomberg Businessweek, which quotes an insurance company warning that there has been “a nearly quintupled number of weather-related loss events in North America for the past three decades.” Their solution is financial incentives to reduce greenhouse gasses, including the cap-and-trade legislation that passed the House in 2009, but which “died in the Senate in 2010, a victim of Tea Party-inspired Republican obstructionism”.

Or take an editorial in Forbes magazine last month (before Hurricane Sandy), which stated:

The drumbeat of a warming climate, worsening weather, and the resulting human toll continues, and keeps getting louder. At this point, it should be deafening enough to wake up anyone still denying the reality of a new normal for our climate, our weather, and the insurance companies whose stability underlies our economy.

Or the statement from insurance company Allianz:

With 40 percent of industrial insurance claims that Allianz now pays out being due to natural catastrophes, climate change represents a threat to our business… Insurance companies need to adapt their products and services to take climate change risks into account. Already, insurance payments relating to climatic events are increasing rapidly, with a 15-fold increase in weather-related claims over the past 30 years.

The bottom line is that we have to stop asking questions like “Did climate change cause Hurricane Sandy”. That’s like asking if the use of performance enhancing drugs caused Lance Armstrong to win the Tour de France. Or to use a baseball analogy:

We can’t say that steroids caused any one home run by Barry Bonds, but steroids sure helped him hit more and hit them farther. Now we have weather on steroids.

Sandy wasn’t “caused” by climate change, it IS climate change.

And yet, Romney opposes any cap-and-trade legislation, opposes Obama’s new fuel efficiency standards, opposes any regulation of carbon dioxide emissions. And as you can see in the above video, he considers climate change a joke.

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