Political Irony

“Last night we had a rough audience, very unpleasant. And then halfway through the show they voted to secede.” — David Letterman

“After the election, 20 states said they’ve got to get out. They said, ‘We can’t take it anymore,’ so 20 states are working on seceding from the United States. We’re facing real economic problems, so take those 20 states that want to leave and charge them $10,000 apiece.” — David Letterman

“Facebook just launched a new app. They teamed up with the Department of Labor to create what they call the social jobs app. You can browse through two million job listings. You know it’s bad when even Facebook thinks it’s time for you to get a job.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Facebook also has an app that can help you lose your job. It’s called Facebook.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It’ll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job. It’s the circle of life.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday, President Obama gave his first press conference since being re-elected. And a lot of people are saying it looked like he was trying to cover up some of his gray hair. So I guess Obama’s major goals include jobs for women and Just For Men.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Barack Obama looked especially good. He looked relaxed and ready to lead, so he took questions from the press for 20 minutes then finished up with a few Al Green songs.” — David Letterman

“There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next Secretary of Defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.” — Jay Leno

“President Obama is in town today. He’s visiting the places that were destroyed by Hurricane Sandy. And he’s visiting people who lost their power. Those are Republicans, but that’s a different story.” — David Letterman

“Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can’t figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn’t be in the snack cake industry. I guess I’ll just have to take my business to Little Debbie.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She’s a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever’s there.” — Conan O’Brien

“During his final speech on the House floor yesterday, Congressman Ron Paul said the Constitution has failed. Which must be a bummer because he’s actually one of the guys who signed it.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, ‘Will coach for food’.” — Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.” — Jay Leno

“The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it.” — Jay Leno

“A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying ‘step off or I will cut a bi-atch.’ And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn’t just a love triangle, folks. It’s a love pentagon.” — Stephen Colbert

You seriously can’t make shit like this up. Could it get any weirder?

UPDATE: Ranker has a list of the top Spy Sex Scandals in history.

“It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, ‘Why not?’ Those questions can’t be any tougher than the ones he’s getting at home right now.” – Jay Leno

“According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber. High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals.” – David Letterman

“No wonder we don’t know what’s going on in Libya. They’re all too worried about chlamydia.” – Jay Leno

“This David Patraeus scandal is insane and has no signs of stopping. In a weird twist today, a jogger recently found the driver’s license of Patraeus’s mistress, Paula Broadwell, in a park. He knew it was her driver’s license because under sex it said, ‘Lots with David Patraeus’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It’s now the Compromising Situation Room. They’ve changed it.” – Jay Leno

“See, when a general tells his wife, ‘I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan,” technically he’s not lying.” – Jay Leno

“It’s now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He’s an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there’s something there for Republicans and Democrats.” – Jay Leno

“A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don’t think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn’t saved the auto industry, she wouldn’t have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car.” – Jay Leno

“It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney’s tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, ‘Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!’ And now he’s like, ‘Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.” – Conan O’Brien

“Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. But there’s also a downside.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It’s the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.” – David Letterman

“Then they start decorating the tree with a beautiful array of Christmas lights and on the very top they put a tiny little Mayor Bloomberg. In fact, it actually is Mayor Bloomberg.” – David Letterman

“‘Skyfall,’ the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It’s the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There’s not a lot of sex in the movie – it’s very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It’s not like he’s head of the CIA.” – Jay Leno

“David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there – don’t cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don’t like you.” – Conan O’Brien

“The new ‘Call of Duty: Black Ops’ video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he’s behaving like your common congressman.” – Jay Leno

“This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government.” – Jimmy Fallon

“How about that General Petraeus? Then they got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. Is that the surge or are you just happy to see me? … You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He’s the guy who started this whole thing.” – David Letterman

“Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it ‘a priceless stone’ while David Petraeus’ wife called it ‘a start.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She’s so mad that Romney didn’t win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove’s wife.” – David Letterman

“Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters.” – Conan O’Brien

“You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney’s Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn’t work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn’t want a vice president with two first names.” – David Letterman

“Folks, I’m no fan of ‘Sesame Street.’ They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom and counting.” – Stephen Colbert

“The movie ‘Lincoln’ opened over the weekend. It’s getting unbelievable reviews. It’s so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself.” – Jay Leno

“I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter.” – Jay Leno

“Florida has finally finished counting the votes. What is wrong with Florida? Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We’re talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time.” – Jay Leno

“The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state’s voting procedures. It’ll be the biggest thing Scott’s done since he won that raffle to become governor.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA.” – Craig Ferguson

“This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, ‘Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“There’s a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where’s the justice?” – Craig Ferguson

“The James Bond movie ‘Skyfall’ came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It’s about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it ‘well-made’, while David Petraeus is calling it ‘relatable’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who – well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs.” – Craig Ferguson

“No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he’s in for one awkward Thanksgiving.” – Craig Ferguson

“James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it’s really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn’t it?” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He’ll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Even Mike Tyson was like, ‘That’s a ridiculous tattoo’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this Cinco Denio.” – David Letterman

“Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a ‘fiscal cliff.’ The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was ‘Forward.'” – Jay Leno

“We’re in great shape. The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us over a cliff.” –Jay Leno

“But the good news: President Obama says we will run out of gas long before we get to the cliff. So don’t worry about it.” – Jay Leno

“Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here’s the only good thing. We don’t have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff.” – David Letterman

“According to poll data, President Obama’s victory on Tuesday was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed. So basically Obama became President the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers.” – Seth Meyers

“After this week’s election 19 women will now hold seats in the Senate, which is the highest number ever. And no one is happier about it than the pantsuit industry.” – Seth Meyers

“CIA director General David Petraeus resigned Friday after it was revealed he was having an affair with the woman who wrote his biography, ‘All In’. Of course when they first started working on the book, it was called, ‘Just The Tip’.” – Seth Meyers

“Navy officials said Thursday that seven members of SEAL Team 6, the elite unit that killed Osama Bin Laden, were given career-ending reprimands after they disclosed operational secrets to the makers of the videogame “Medal of Honor”. Now everyone knows Bin Laden was killed by A, B, A, B, up, down, right trigger, left trigger.” – Seth Meyers

“I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again.” – Bill Maher

“I heard an update from Con Edison, the electricity company. They said the Republicans now will be without power for the next four years.” – David Letterman

“No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney’s health care plan.” – Bill Maher

“There’s also a rumor that Romney will write a tell-all book based on the diary he kept on the campaign trail. That’s in case you ever wondered what Ambien looks like in book form.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s got to hurt Mitt Romney. The better the voters knew him, the worse he did. He lost Michigan, one of his home states, in a landslide. Lost Massachusetts in a double landslide. And listen to this, he did worse with Mormons than Bush did. THAT is a legitimate rape, ladies and gentlemen.” – Bill Maher

“According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, “You mean I could have just bought it?'” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney arrived at his victory celebration in a 15-car Secret Service caravan. Of course, when you lose, the Secret Service dumps you immediately. So he had to hitch a ride home with his son. So there he is arriving in the 15-car motorcade and then he goes home in the back seat – Tagg driving, Ann riding shotgun, dog on the roof.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney’s family has been trying to console him since Tuesday’s loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it’s like to put together a cabinet.” – Jay Leno

“Karl Rove said today that Obama was suppressing the vote. He was suppressing the vote with his nasty political ads. And Sarah Palin basically said the same thing on her Facebook page yesterday. She said Romney only lost because ads running in blue collar swing states defined Romney early on. Yeah, best money I ever spent.” – Bill Maher (referring to the $1 million he gave to a pro-Obama Super PAC)

“The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama’s dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like shit, it’s time to take a shower.” – Bill Maher

“All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men’s seats.” – Bill Maher

“Obama won single women by 38 percent. I think the message to Republicans was clear: get off me.” – Bill Maher

“That just doesn’t happen in campaigns. You’d think his slogan was ‘have you lost weight?'” – Bill Maher

“Obama won. Twenty women in the Senate, six openly gay congressmen, a bisexual congressman. This was such a good night for progressives, Anthony Weiner is tweeting his dick again.” – Bill Maher

“This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, ‘Hollywood’.” – Bill Maher

“Pot was legalized in Colorado and Washington. This calls, not just for a reexamination of the drug war, but an entire rerouting of my touring schedule. – Bill Maher

“Still no election results from Florida yet. Florida is the post office of states.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The election has been over for three days, but already there’s a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You’d think they could have at least waited until we peeled the ‘I voted’ stickers off our jackets.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The survey showed Hillary Clinton with 58 percent of the vote, Vice President Biden with 17 percent, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo at 6 percent, and Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren with 3 percent. A woman who has not yet expressed any interest in running is well ahead of some other people who aren’t running. Good study.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s a video going around of President Obama getting choked up and crying while he thanked his campaign staff after the election. When Mitt Romney saw the video, he was like, ‘What is that clear liquid coming out of his eyes? Is he leaking?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he can’t keep an affair secret, you’re screwed. You don’t have a chance.” – Jay Leno

“The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today.” – Jay Leno