Political Irony

“They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you’re running for president of the United States. The next day you’re shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you’re at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama’s trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels.” – David Letterman

“Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: ‘Running Deficit’.” – Jay Leno

“Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that.” – Jay Leno

“There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey.” – Jay Leno

“Barbara Walters has released part of her ‘Most Fascinating People’ list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That’s right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new book coming out reveals that Florida Sen. Marco Rubio was born a Catholic, became a Mormon, then returned to the Catholic church, then became a Baptist, then again returned to the Catholic church. And I think he’s at it again because he’s now asking people to call him Marco Rubinstein.” – Conan O’Brien

“The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place.” – Jay Leno

“McDonald’s just announced that it’s bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, ‘Hey, we tried to warn you.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It’s the perfect way to tell your newborn, ‘We’re planning to replace you in 6 months.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can’t create jobs? There’s one right there.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney has a new job. He’s going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you’re at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, ‘I understand there’s some trouble?'” – David Letterman

“I think it’s great that Romney’s getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout.” – Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you’re the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you’re sitting in Applebee’s blowing on your soup.” – David Letterman

“Since losing the election, Mitt Romney is reportedly bored. After hearing this, Ann Romney said, ‘You’re bored? I’m sitting around all day with Mitt Romney.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A lot of dissension among conservatives. One of the leaders of the Tea Party has resigned after a major split in the movement. The Tea Party is now divided between angry whites and even angrier whites.” – Conan O’Brien

“Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he’s taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he’s meeting with donors. He better hope they’re brain donors.” – Jay Leno

“The CEO of the Olive Garden blames his company’s low profits on Obamacare – which is odd because most people won’t eat at the Olive Garden until they have health insurance.” – Conan O’Brien

“General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don’t have sex with the woman who’s writing your life story.” – Jay Leno

“Kim Kardashian has been touring the Middle East, touching off angry protests among conservative Muslims. You would think conservative Muslims would be happy to see a woman who’s never had a job.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Obamas have decorated the White House with 54 Christmas trees. It’s all part of their ‘For the last time, we’re not Muslim’ campaign.” – Conan O’Brien

“While he was in Pennsylvania on Friday, President Obama said that he’s been keeping his own ‘naughty and nice list’ of lawmakers. Then Biden was like, ‘Great, now I’ve got to worry about his list AND Santa’s?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, ‘Joe Biden’.” – Jay Leno

“Gay groups are apparently angry at former President Clinton because he hasn’t come out in favor of gay marriage. Clinton said he’d be willing to have two lesbians come by and try to convince him.” – Conan O’Brien

“I’m worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I’m worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them but I don’t know what I’ll do when I see them.” – David Letterman

“Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president – though not as bored as the rest of us were when he WAS running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s a very proud night for myself and my family and my staff and my friends. I received a Kennedy Center Honor. And today the Republicans are trying to block it.” – David Letterman

“With the Kennedy Center Honors, I am now 17th in line for president.” – David Letterman

“Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard.” – Craig Ferguson

“A new survey found that ‘Sophia’ and ‘Aiden’ were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They’ve been married for a year and a half. That’s like five marriages for a Kardashian.” – Craig Ferguson

© Ruben Bolling

I’m not sure when people started treating the end of a company as if it were the death of a friend. The “Hostess” brand, along with Twinkies and the rest of their brands, has likely been passed from company to parent company without you even noticing it. I’m sure some other company will buy the brands up during any bankruptcy proceedings and you will be able to get your Twinkie fix (even after a zombie apocalypse).

“Mitt Romney had lunch today with President Obama. The White House is calling it a near-beer summit.” – Jay Leno

“Today Mitt Romney had lunch with President Obama. It was an awkward moment when the bill came and Obama only offered to pay 47 percent.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama and Mitt Romney had lunch the other day at the White House. Romney offered to pay. But Obama said, ‘No, no, it’s on our grandchildren.'” – Jay Leno

“President Obama had lunch with Mitt Romney. There was an awkward moment when Romney looked around and said, ‘So how much do you want for the place.'” – Conan O’Brien

“After weeks of the Benghazi scandal and the fiscal cliff crisis, Obama offers Romney a position in the administration – President of the United States.” – Conan O’Brien

“I guess it was a closed event: There was no press allowed, there were no cameras, no recordings – to which Mitt Romney said, ‘I’m not falling for that one again.'” – Jay Leno

“Powerball officials say two people won the $580 million. Congratulations to the winners – Mitt and Ann Romney.” – Conan O’Brien

“The man who got the Mitt Romney face tattoo is having it removed because he said ‘Romney has no dignity.’ Once you get a face tattoo, you’re no longer allowed to talk about dignity.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over Thanksgiving Joe Biden was in a cold-turkey ocean plunge fundraiser. The water was so cold that when he came out, he was talking coherently.” – Jay Leno

“Well, folks, only 28 more shopping days till we go off the Fiscal Cliff.” – Conan O’Brien

“Are you sick and tired of hearing the term ‘fiscal cliff’? people don’t understand it. It doesn’t tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here’s how to explain it: ‘It’s 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.’ That says danger. People understand that.” – Jay Leno

“‘Fiscal cliff’ is a big fancy phrase right now. If you want people to understand though, use language they get: ‘We’re headed for Broke-Ass Mountain.’ That’s what it is.” – Jay Leno

“Rupert Murdoch is the guy whose tabloids hacked into people’s phones in England. He’s back in hot water today. The British parliamentary commission delivered its findings. The report assessed the standards and ethics of the British tabloids. Spoiler alert: They don’t have any.” – Craig Ferguson

“The investigation concluded that Britain’s current press watchdog has no teeth. I’m like, it’s Britain. Who the heck does?” – Craig Ferguson

“House Speaker John Boehner’s office was invaded by a group of nude female protesters. Boehner’s unsure what they were protesting, but says he’ll definitely keep doing it.” – Conan O’Brien

“A 69-year-old Florida woman was arrested for stealing hundreds of dollars’ worth of lingerie. Authorities released her after she threatened to model the lingerie.” – Conan O’Brien

“Over the four-day holiday weekend Americans spent $15 billion a day! That almost breaks President Obama’s record.” – Jay Leno

“A new study says the average American now weighs 176 pounds. May not sound too bad to you. But the study was conducted at elementary schools.” – Conan O’Brien

“A New York City policeman has become world-famous now for a viral pic of him giving a pair of boots to a homeless man. Then Nicolas Cage said, ‘Thanks for the shoes’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mexico’s new president said his country’s problems with the U.S. aren’t just about drugs and border security. He said it’s really about America’s insistence that Taco Bell is Mexican food.” – Conan O’Brien

“Jeff Zucker, the former head of NBC, is taking over CNN. And today Wolf Blitzer announced in five years he’s stepping aside for Conan O’Brien.” – Craig Ferguson