“Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it’s not a case of them losing credibility. They say it’s not because they’re now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it’s mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker.” – Bill Maher
“Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don’t care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They’ve discovered there’s a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn’t matter. They don’t want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there’s a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming.” – Bill Maher
“The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn’t been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn’t such a socialist.” – Bill Maher
“Here’s some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game – or as those researchers put it, ‘Man, high school never ends, does it?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun.” – Bill Maher
“This is the first day of Black History Month; or as Republicans call it, February.” – Bill Maher
“Immigration is the big issue they’re working on in Washington. They want to create a ‘path to citizenship’. You have to pass a background check, you have to pay a fine, you have to pay back taxes, you have to learn English and you have to get that statue of the Virgin Mary off your front yard. Oh, and also the cable channels between 17 and 23 – gone.” – Bill Maher
“I would urge the Republicans who are still not behind this to consider the alternative; picking our own damn strawberries.” – Bill Maher
“Senator Bob Menendez was caught in a little scandal. Apparently he’s been going down to Puerto Rico and getting underage prostitutes. He denies it. But he says the path to citizenship passes through his pants.” – Bill Maher
“The Daily Caller website found two women in Puerto Rico, who claim that he promised them $500 for their services and only paid them $100. This is my kind of Senator – socially liberal and fiscally conservative.” – Bill Maher
“The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it’s time to move on, while his mother says he’s still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing.” – Jay Leno
“I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about.” – Jay Leno
