Political Irony

“The Senate has overwhelmingly approved John Kerry as the next Secretary of State. In his farewell speech today to the Senate, Kerry spoke for 51 minutes. So, apparently he does believe in torture.” – Jay Leno

“We have a new secretary of state, John Kerry, former senator from Massachusetts. For four years Hillary Clinton served as the secretary of state, and in a moving ceremony today Hillary official turned over the pants suit.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry is the first white male to hold that job since 1997. So finally middle-aged white guys with gray hair are breaking through the glass ceiling.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday President Obama went to Las Vegas and spoke about his new immigration plan. Afterwards he was harshly criticized by the locals for speaking in English.” – Jay Leno

“Zimbabwe’s finance minister revealed yesterday that his country has only $217 left in the government Treasury. Today President Obama said, ‘Stop bragging!'” – Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t.” – Jay Leno

“’60 Minutes’ anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday’s interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn’t have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. That would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn’t the amount of time he had.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama’s war on obesity is President Obama’s economic policy.” – Jay Leno

“The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, ‘You know we’re already citizens, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to ‘stop being the stupid party’. Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal.” – Jay Leno

“The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email.” – Craig Ferguson

“It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it’s a penny more than the old price. You’re not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a huge advancement in not letting women drive.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on ’60 Minutes’ for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If I seem a little woozy, it’s because I’m wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.” – David Letterman

“Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.” – David Letterman

“A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as ‘lucky’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-syncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Manti Te’o said it sounded very real to him.” – Bill Maher

“Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone for his second term, especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth control pills.” – Seth Meyers

“New Rule: The media must give President Obama a few more days before they start covering the 2016 presidential race. They’re already speculating about Biden and Hillary. Come on, even Taylor Swift gives a guy a little more time than that. And why is she America’s sweetheart? She’s 17 and she’s gone out with more men than Joan Crawford.” – Bill Maher

“This year marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr’s historic ‘I Have A Dream’ speech. As well as the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend’s ‘I had the weirdest dream’ speech. Guess which one was longer.” – Seth Meyers

“The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve. Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that women will follow gay men anywhere.” – Bill Maher

“Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he’s got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage.” – Bill Maher

“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world’s largest social network is raising money for the world’s largest governor.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a check and be done with the whole thing.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said ‘we must stop being the stupid party’. Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, ‘How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me’.” – Bill Maher

“There’s a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, ‘That’s not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi … If Beyonce lip-synced at Obama’s inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I’d love to know why I’m so angry!” – Stephen Colbert

“Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama’s inauguration. Tyler said, “I know how she feels, I did the same thing at the Harry Truman Inauguration.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn’t at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror.” –Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new ‘Terminator’ film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, ‘I’ll be back right after ‘Wheel of Fortune.'” – Conan O’Brien

“I’m still reeling from yesterday’s inauguration disaster. First off, where was security? The Secret Service is supposed to protect the president and first lady, but in the middle of a kiss, they were viciously photobombed. Enjoy Gitmo, Malia.” – Stephen Colbert

“The president gave a brief but powerful speech. He did not shy away from the many challenges he faces: a massive federal deficit, a conservative majority in the House, an aging population, runaway entitlements, humongous ears.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.” – Jay Leno

“Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: ‘less than half of you are parasites’.” – Stephen Colbert

“At the inaugural ball, President Obama was caught doing some very stiff and awkward dance moves. In other words, Obama is already reaching out to Republicans.” – Conan O’Brien

“On the news they made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at President Obama’s first inauguration than there was at this one. That’s because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels.” – Jay Leno

“More than a million people gathered in our nation’s capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady’s new haircut.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts. But bangs aren’t easy to pull off. As far as I know, the only other women who have done it successfully this decade are Jessica Biel and Justin Bieber.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The CEO of Whole Foods is criticizing Obamacare, once again calling it fascism. He did this before when he called it socialism. And he said the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people’s money. As opposed to shopping at Whole Foods, where you eventually run out of your own money.” – Jay Leno

“Video game-maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. Atari fans are so upset they’re organizing a massive letter-writing campaign to President Reagan.” – Conan O’Brien

“The post office may sue Lance Armstrong for all of the money they spent sponsoring his team. In fact, after all these lawsuits, they say that Lance Armstrong could end up as broke as the post office.” – Jay Leno