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Patently Wrong

Finally! Score one (and a big one) against patent trolls.

Newegg, an online electronics retailer, has won their patent appeal against Soverain Software.

Soverain is a patent troll, a company that has never produced anything, but has managed to extort millions of dollars against companies including Amazon and The Gap, and was in the process of suing Nordstrom’s, Macy’s, Home Depot, Best Buy, Radio Shack, Kohl’s, Wallgreen’s, and many others.

How? They bought some patents from a defunct company that claimed to cover the online shopping cart, lawyered up, and sued companies in patent-friendly West Texas. Never-mind that taking an obvious and well-known physical concept and implementing it on the Internet isn’t even vaguely deserving of patentability.

Defending against a patent suit can cost many millions of dollars and depress the market cap of a company due to uncertainty. So companies are often willing to settle even bogus claims, and once a few big companies settle it gets harder and harder for other companies to defend themselves. Soverain was working their way to collecting a stunning 1% of the gross revenue of every online retailer.

But back in 2007, Newegg decided on a new strategy: they would not settle with patent trolls, ever. As Newegg’s chief legal officer put it “We basically took a look at this situation and said, this is bullshit. We saw that if we paid off this patent holder, we’d have to pay off every patent holder this same amount. This is the first case we took all the way to trial. And now, nobody has to pay Soverain jack squat for these patents.”

Kudos to Newegg!

Now, I’m a computer scientist and I even hold a few software patents, but I would be very happy if the federal government invalidated all software patents. They do nothing to encourage or reward inventors like me, and in fact cause lots of problems. Imagine you are trying to start an online shopping business, but nobody will invest in you because in order to sell anything online, you would run afoul of patents like those held by Soverain. Soverain could extort any amount of money they wanted from you, and could even refuse to license their patents and put you out of business. Just like that.

Other patent trolls hold patents on things as silly as drop-down menus. These trolls could basically sue the vast majority of websites and force them off the internet. Think about what that would do to our economy.

And because many judges don’t know obvious from a hole in the ground, especially in highly technical fields, lawyers can often get away with this crap.

It has to stop, and this is a great first step in the right direction.

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The Real Fraud

Republican Roxanne Rubin is convinced we need Voter ID laws in order to prevent voter fraud.

This has always been an issue with me. I just feel the system is flawed. If we’re showing ID for everything else, why wouldn’t we show our ID in order to vote?

So she decided to prove how easy it is to commit fraud by — you guessed it — committing voter fraud herself. After voting once, she went to a polling place in another city and tried to vote again. The poll workers instead had her arrested. While voter fraud is a felony, Rubin pled guilty to a misdemeanor and was fined $2,481, has to perform 100 hours of community service, take an impulse control class, and is required to stay out of trouble.

Even the GOP Secretary of State (who has called for a photo ID law) said: “If Ms. Rubin was trying to demonstrate how easy it is to commit voter fraud, she clearly failed and proved just the opposite.”

Bottom line: when supposedly pro-freedom, anti-government whack jobs tell you we need additional laws to protect us from virtually nonexistent voter fraud, just laugh at them.

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The GOP Crackup

Robert Reich makes a strong argument that the Republican party is finally unraveling. Ronald Reagan managed to put together a coalition of different factions who put aside their huge differences and united against common enemies, namely “communists and terrorists abroad, liberals and people of color at home”. But the 2012 presidential primary exposed the cracks in the party, along with its crackpots:

The Party offered up a Star Wars barroom of oddball characters, each representing a different faction — Bachmann, Perry, Gingrich, Cain, Santorum. Each rose on the strength of supporters and then promptly fell when the rest of the Party got a good look.

The Republican libertarian faction (led by Ron Paul) openly fought with the social conservatives. The big business and Wall Street wing (who are bankrolling the whole operation in return for their tax breaks and subsidies) fought with the “nativists and racists in the Party who want to exclude immigrants and prevent minorities from getting ahead”. And Grover Norquist’s shrink-the-government fanatics fought with the deficit hawks who (like Reagan) don’t mind raising taxes in order to reduce the size of the deficit.

The 2012 election exposed something else about the GOP: it’s utter lack of touch with reality, its bizarre incapacity to see and understand what was happening in the country. Think of Karl Rove’s delirium on Fox election night.

But the biggest problem with the GOP is that it has become a joke. As Bobby Jindal put it, the Republicans need to “stop being the stupid party”.

So what will they stand for instead? A telling article in The Atlantic asked GOP lawmakers at the Republican National Committee meeting what the Republican Party should stand for. These are the people who should be building policy for the GOP, and yet they couldn’t agree at all. Bottom line? “GOP leaders don’t just want to be the party of ‘no’ — but they have a hard time articulating what they want to say ‘yes’ to.”

For now, the last remaining thing holding the Republican party together is their hatred of the president and his administration. But that only makes them look petty and out-of-touch with the rest of America. Think of the toothless attacks on Hillary Clinton during the Benghazi hearing, filled with all the rage of a grumpy old man yelling at kids to stay off his lawn.

Reagan espoused happy nationalism using patriotic imagery. The GOP has now given itself over to the dark side of that force.

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Late Night Political Humor

“It was reported that President Obama’s 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea.” – Seth Meyers

“Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama’s new gun control proposals ‘illegal’, though I’m not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it’s just thirty hissing possums in a barn.” – Seth Meyers

“Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don’t forget to set your clock back 100 years.” – Seth Meyers

“Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season’s Dancing With The Stars. She’s probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I’ve heard of her.” – Seth Meyers

“During an interview with Oprah Winfrey on Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn’t even need a bike.” – Seth Meyers

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If at first you don’t succeed…

David Horsey
© David Horsey

After four (long) years of Obama bending over so far backward that he ended up looking more like a Republican than a Democrat, and getting nothing but hatred and contempt thrown back in his face, it takes a lot of chutzpah to accuse the president of not being bipartisan enough. Heck, Obama’s signature achievement — health care reform — was virtually copied from Republican proposals (including Romneycare), yet the Republicans attacked it as the worst thing ever to happen to the USA, and vowed to repeal it.

They filibuster just about everything, block Obama’s appointments, call him a liar, and compare him to Hitler. They even claim that he wasn’t born in the USA.

Now they are saying that their priority is to outlaw abortion, even though 70% of Americans support abortion rights, including a slim majority of Republican voters.

Will the GOP ever stop being the party of NO?

UPDATE: Great quote from Obama: “The truth of the matter is that my policies are so mainstream that if I had set the same policies that I had back in the 1980s, I would be considered a moderate Republican.”

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Late Night Political Humor

“The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying ‘You need a mint’.” – Bill Maher

“In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, ‘Yeah, that’s how families work’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If the NRA keeps messing with the President’s daughters, they’re going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama’s guns.” – Bill Maher (referring to the first lady’s arm muscles)

“Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House’s gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never leave home without ’em.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry said Obama’s suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn’t laws, it’s prayer. You know, i know you’re not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer.” – Bill Maher

“I guess that’s just a crazy fantasy, Rick Perry in a school.” – Bill Maher

“The best advertisement for torture is not Dick Cheney and people like that who support it, it is Hollywood. At the Golden Globes, it’s movies. Ben Affleck won for playing a CIA officer, Claire Danes won for playing a CIA officer, Jessica Chastain won for playing a CIA officer and of course, Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin, a master of counter intelligence.” – Bill Maher

“Hey, this week was the season premiere of ‘American Idol’. And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don’t want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don’t really want — or as Republicans call that, ‘the Romney plan’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that President Obama’s inauguration will have its own iPhone app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, ‘Download complete!’ (which is also what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.)” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she’d like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don’t worry. Obama is very responsible when he’s spending his own money.” – Jay Leno

“Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they’re excited to see what they could discover on the moon’s surface. I’ll tell you what they’re going to discover – an American flag!” – Craig Ferguson

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Late Night Political Humor

“On Sunday the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-AT ceremony for President Obama.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama said this week that he wants to find a ‘pathway for citizenship’ for immigrants in the United States. Don’t we have that? It’s called the Rio Grande river.” – Jay Leno

“An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time.” – Conan O’Brien

“Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn’t have happened if those fish had guns.” – Jay Leno

“The director of ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ has come out against torture. And the director of ‘Lincoln’ has come out against going to the theater in 1865.” – Conan O’Brien

“The beginning of the movie ‘Lincoln’ has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, ‘I would have preferred a different ENDING’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ann Romney, the wife of Mitt Romney, has reportedly turned down a chance to appear on ‘Dancing With the Stars’. Apparently, she has something called ‘self-respect’.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, she says she loves to dance and is a big fan of the show, but she said she’d rather stay home with the Biggest Loser.” – Jay Leno

“It’s reported that if you’re playing Angry Birds, the company is tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it’s actually how we got bin Laden.” – Conan O’Brien

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Cut Off!

Mike Luckovich
© Mike Luckovich

I don’t think the word “compromise” means what you think it means.

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Above the Law

If you wonder why no bankers ever went to jail for rampant criminal behavior that almost destroyed our economy, watch PBS Frontline explain it in a way that is so clear it is frightening.

This is an almost hour-long show, but everyone should be required to watch it. If we don’t learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it.

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. ‘is not a deadbeat nation’. Then the president added, ‘By the way, if China calls, I’m not here’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the US. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House has rejected an online petition to build a planet-destroying Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials said today the administration does not support blowing up planets. See, the White House believes the most effective way to destroy planets is with their economic policy.” – Jay Leno

“Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It’s already being called the best ‘that’s what she said’ joke ever.” – Conan O’Brien

“Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.” – Conan O’Brien

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Jon Stewart on Guns

If you have any trouble with these videos, you can watch them (and even more videos) on the Daily Show website.

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You can’t make stuff like this up

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

And you don’t have to:

Yes, the guy in the second panel really exists and really did say he would start shooting people if any more gun control laws are enacted. Some random loony? No, he’s a former police chief, and owner of two companies that provide tactical weapons and training to police and military units. And there are plenty of other people saying similar crazy things.

And the guy in the last panel is none other than Larry Ward, the instigator of Gun Appreciation Day, who really did try to use Martin Luther King Jr., a staunch promoter of non-violent protest who was himself assassinated by a gun, as a symbol for his gun rally. This is based on the fact that King once applied for a hidden carry permit, but was turned down. What Ward doesn’t mention is that King later said he was glad he was denied and would never carry a gun again.

And if all that weren’t crazy enough, there are conspiracy theorists who think that the whole Sandy Hook massacre was staged in order to take away our guns.

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Late Night Political Humor

“Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican.” – Jay Leno

“The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster’s emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, ‘I’m going to need a raise.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don’t worry. They’ll still be free at the airport.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama’s half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama held the final press conference of his first term in office this morning, talking mostly about the debt ceiling. He announced if Congress doesn’t raise the debt ceiling America will go into default on its loans and we might have to say goodbye to Florida.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, ‘All right, fine, I am a Muslim.” – Conan O’Brien

“An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar coin and deposit it in the federal reserve – which is how ‘The Lord of the Rings’ starts, isn’t it?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Treasury will not mint a trillion-dollar coin. That is a shame. Wouldn’t it be nice to mint up nine or 10 and say we’re even?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, was seen partying in Mexico with Charlie Sheen. When will Charlie learn that people judge you by the company you keep?” – Jay Leno

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Get the Lead Out!

Wouldn’t it be ironic if, after spending billions of dollars on prisons, police, and the war on drugs, the real answer to reducing crime was as simple as getting rid of lead in our environment?

That’s the conclusion of new research that strongly indicates that the hidden villain behind violent crime, lowered intelligence, and even attention deficit disorder is the use of lead in fuels (and to a lesser extent, in paint).

What? You think we already stopped using lead? Not really. We still use it in aviation fuel, spewing lead into the atmosphere. And for no good reason.

But the real irony is why this research isn’t getting more attention. Could it be that the prison industry doesn’t want you to know that our prison-building frenzy wasn’t really necessary? Or that vastly expanding the number of police and creating paramilitary swat teams didn’t actually do all that much to reduce crime? Or that the war on drugs was a complete waste of money?

And just because we banned lead in automobile gasoline doesn’t mean it isn’t still around, saturating the soil in American cities where car traffic was the most dense during the time that all gasoline was leaded. And every time the wind kicks up some dust, we are breathing it again. We have the technology to remove this lead and potentially bring down crime rates significantly, but we do nothing.

Why?

We should be screaming about this. We are poisoning our children. And the cost of the clean-up is small compared to the cost of doing nothing, paid in lower IQs, increased crime, and health problems.

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Both Sides

Tom Toles
© Tom Toles

Who is going to win this debate, or do we lose either way?

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