Every time a terrorist does something crazy, but not with a gun, we overreact and prohibit it. Not just shoe bombs, but liquids, knives, even knitting needles. But every time a terrorist does something crazy with a gun, we do nothing. I don’t get it. Why would it matter whether there is an airplane involved?
“Well folks, it is December 21, or as the Mayans call it, April Fools Day.” – Jay Leno
“It’s late Friday night, which means the world did not end after all! So the good news is, we’re still here. The bad news, I got A LOT of Christmas shopping to do.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Mayan calendar didn’t go past Dec. 21, 2012. There is one problem with the Mayan prophesy. It is crap. Every serious Mayan scholar says close reading of Mayan texts reveals they believed the world would go for thousands of years past the end of the calendar. But let’s listen to the wacko locked in the basement with 500 pounds of spam because he knows what is going to happen!” – Craig Ferguson
“Personally, I think people who are panicking about what the Mayans believed says more about our society than it does the Mayans. I don’t know really where I’m going with that, but it sounded good, didn’t it? It sounded like I was really smart. I’ve got something to say.” – Craig Ferguson
“You know what I really am feeling awkward about? If this is really the end of the world, I’m going to my doom wearing this tie. I’m going off to the hereafter with a tie with a little snowman on it.” – Craig Ferguson
“I’ve got to admit, I love the show ‘Doomsday Preppers.’ It’s about people making bunkers to survive catastrophes they know will happen. A nuclear war, viral epidemic, Fox canceling ‘Glee’. It’s all going to happen.” – Craig Ferguson
“Well, we got a lot to worry about. In nine days, fiscal cliff. I woke up this morning thinking, Wait a minute. Five days until the fiscal cliff? Where is Superman?” – Jay Leno
“But you shouldn’t be worried. You should have faith in our representatives in Congress and the Senate.” – Jay Leno
“Today, President Obama announced that he’s giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he was like, ‘But not Santa, right?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here’s what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break.” – Jay Leno
“Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show ‘Cheers’. Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day — or as they call that in Ireland, ‘Reality TV’.” – Jimmy Fallon
I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen Jon Stewart this angry.
“As you know, the Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, and like everybody else, they blame Bush.” – Jay Leno
“According to the Mayan calendar, Friday is the end of the world. You know what? There is a sign of the apocalypse. The New York Knicks are in first place.” – David Letterman
“Even with the apocalypse there is always something good. There’s always a silver lining. For example, The Mayan apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon.” – David Letterman
“After three years and six seasons, the final episode of ‘Jersey Shore’ aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, ‘So we were off by one day.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer’s son who’s dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, ‘Shouldn’t you be fighting the Green Goblin?’ And the kid was like, ‘shouldn’t you be working on the fiscal cliff?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man.” – Jimmy Fallon
“I went to see ‘Lincoln,’ and I think it’s a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits.” – David Letterman
“I’m sure the new movies are good, but I’m upset there are no real Christmas movies. Like ‘It’s a Wonderful Life,’ where Jimmy Stewart finds himself in a world where no one can see him. It’s like nobody’s aware of his existence. I know that feeling.” – Craig Ferguson
“‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ is the one where the angel earns his wings. Because remember, kids, an angel without wings is like Tom Selleck without a moustache, or like ‘Two and a Half Men’ without a cast member going crazy.” – Craig Ferguson
A man in California has been driving in carpool lanes by himself on purpose, hoping to get a ticket. Why? He had with him the incorporation papers for his company and wants to try a novel defense in court: because California motor vehicle law recognizes corporations as people, he claims that he did indeed have enough “people” in the car to qualify as a carpool.
But what makes this ironic is that he actually wants to lose. His real goal is to get the judge to rule that corporations are not people.
Personally, I don’t think it will work. After all, I wouldn’t qualify as a carpool if I carried around the birth certificate for a second person. But still, you gotta hand it to him for an unprecedented defense.
UPDATE: Unfortunately, his defense didn’t work and he was found guilty. Not a big surprise, but a small part of me hoped.
“It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of ‘The Hobbit’!” – Jimmy Fallon
“A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. President Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.” – Jay Leno
“It’s been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She’s either in prison or she’s in rehab. She’s been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her.” – David Letterman
“Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son’s having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son’s bar mitzvah. She’s also available for end-of-the-world parties.” – David Letterman
“And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse.” – David Letterman
“Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn’t end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The world’s oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.” – David Letterman
“NBC’s foreign news correspondent Richard Engel has been freed after being kidnapped and held at gunpoint for five days in Syria by rebels. Even though he was psychologically tortured, he said he was still treated better there than he was here by Comcast.” – Jay Leno
“Sources told ABC News today that Defense Department official Michael Vickers gave sensitive inside information about the capture of Osama bin Laden to the producers of the movie ‘Zero Dark Thirty.’ It’s also being reported that John McCain gave firsthand inside information to the film ‘Lincoln’.” – Jay Leno
“I was thinking about Santa Claus. When you really think about it, this has to be the biggest, most elaborate prank in the history of the world. It’s like we’re all in on a huge joke we’re playing on kids. And eventually they figure it out and they start lying to their kids, too.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey’s birthday.” – Craig Ferguson
“Last week a group of chefs baked the world’s largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains 9,000 pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at ‘world’s largest pizza’ — you LOST me at ‘gluten-free’ — then you won me back with ‘9,000 pounds of cheese.”” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of ‘The Expendables 3,’ along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie’s next title: ‘The Can’t-Understandables.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In what’s being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It’s called ‘Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff’.” – Jay Leno
“It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED — or to put that in layman’s terms: We’re going off this cliff.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton passed out, hit her head, and suffered a minor concussion. Well, we found out today why she passed out. Apparently, she heard the Lakers won two games in a row.” – Jay Leno
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday’s game against the Ravens.” – David Letterman
“For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.” – David Letterman
“This weekend I finished my packing for the apocalypse coming up on December 21. What do you take? What do you leave behind?” – David Letterman
“If you think traffic is bad now, wait until the 21st with people trying to get out of town for the end of the world.” – David Letterman
“Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands.” – Jay Leno
The Atlantic has a fascinating (and short) interview with former Ohio GOP Congressman Steve LaTourette, who just resigned after 18 years. He answers questions about what’s going on with the extremist Republicans in the house and how John Boehner is attempting to deal with them (and largely failing).
My favorite answer is the very last one:
Q: How about you? You recently resigned from Congress after nine terms.
LaTourette: I’ll go back and find something productive to do with my life. As opposed to the last 18 years.
Ouch!
Paul Krugman on the Fiscal Cliff deal:
The centrist fantasy of a Grand Bargain on the budget never had a chance. Even if some kind of bargain had supposedly been reached, key players would soon have reneged on the deal — probably the next time a Republican occupied the White House.
For the reality is that our two major political parties are engaged in a fierce struggle over the future shape of American society. Democrats want to preserve the legacy of the New Deal and the Great Society — Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid — and add to them what every other advanced country has: a more or less universal guarantee of essential health care. Republicans want to roll all of that back, making room for drastically lower taxes on the wealthy. Yes, it’s essentially a class war.
Krugman argues, and I’m tending to agree with him, that the Fiscal Cliff deal was a victory for Democrats and Obama. After all, we actually saw Republicans vote for a tax increase on the rich! However, he worries (and we should too) that this victory may be setting the stage for a larger defeat in just a few weeks when it comes time to raise the debt limit again:
the G.O.P. retains the power to destroy, in particular by refusing to raise the debt limit — which could cause a financial crisis. And Republicans have made it clear that they plan to use their destructive power to extract major policy concessions.
Now, the president has said that he won’t negotiate on that basis, and rightly so. Threatening to hurt tens of millions of innocent victims unless you get your way — which is what the G.O.P. strategy boils down to — shouldn’t be treated as a legitimate political tactic.
I think this comes down to us. I realize that many people are worn out from the recent election, but if we can put enough pressure on Republicans maybe they won’t be so eager to resort to terrorist-like tactics.
UPDATE: Indeed, in the first closed-door meeting of Republicans in the new congress, Speaker John Boehner promised to fight Obama, doubling down on his threat to hold the nation hostage over raising the debt ceiling. “Without lifting the debt limit, the federal government would face a cataclysmic default on its already accrued obligations” — obligations such as two wars and Medicare Part D, which Republicans voted for while simultaneously cutting taxes.
“The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and ‘Lincoln’ got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something.” – Jay Leno
“‘The Hobbit’ opens today. It’s going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election.” – Craig Ferguson
“The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican.” – Jay Leno
“The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we’re done. We’ve only got about a week left, and I haven’t even started packing.” – David Letterman
“On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn’t it?” – David Letterman
“The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn’t work.” – David Letterman
“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery.” – Jay Leno
“Christmas is just around the corner. It’s just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns.” – David Letterman
“On Wednesday night, Barbara Walters asked Governor Chris Christie if he was too fat to be president. A lot of people are criticizing Barbara for asking that question. But in fairness, Barbara asked that exact same question when she interviewed William Howard Taft.” – Jay Leno
People buy the media they want, consequently we all get the media we deserve. So what does that say about us?
However, I think some of this problem is an artifact, left over from the days, not so very long ago, when you could trust the news media. You know, back when there was such a thing as journalistic integrity, and there really was a “free press” instead of one wholly owned by multinational corporate interests. There are lots of people who still unblinkingly trust what they are told by the mainstream media. Hopefully, those people are a dying breed. In the future, there will be nobody left who remembers when the media made any attempt to be objective and check facts.
In this context, Fox’s slogan “We report, you decide” is actually frighteningly accurate. You are on your own deciding what to believe.
“Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the most fascinating person of 2012. What a coincidence. So did Paula Broadwell.” – Jay Leno
“Barbara Walters’ ‘Ten Most Fascinating People’ show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job.” – David Letterman
“The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang.” – David Letterman
“The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, ‘The point’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She’s been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars. She’s a genius!” – Jay Leno
“Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They’re not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They’re Laker fans.” – Conan O’Brien
“HBO is planning a new movie similar to ‘Game Change,’ but based on the 2012 election. The network said they’re not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, ‘Hey, I’m not doing anything.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in.” – Conan O’Brien
“Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they’re having a benefit concert for people who had to see that.” – Conan O’Brien
It was one heck of a crazy year! Here’s to it being over, and hoping you have a lovely new year.
Congress acted slightly after the last minute tonight, with the House voting to approve legislation to avert the so-called fiscal cliff. Taxes will not go up on families earning less than $450,000. But the whole point of the “fiscal cliff” was so that Congress would be pressured into dealing with the long-term deficit. Which they did not. They just kicked the can slightly down the road to the next budget, just a few months away.
Yeah, that’s right, we get to go through this again and again.
UPDATE: Why everyone hates the fiscal-cliff deal.
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