Political Irony

“It was reported that President Obama’s 2013 Inauguration Committee is receiving fewer donations than it did in 2009. The scaled-back event will feature fewer inaugural balls, a shorter parade, and a musical performance from the Black Eyed Pea.” – Seth Meyers

“Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant on Wednesday asked state legislatures to declare President Obama’s new gun control proposals ‘illegal’, though I’m not sure if the Mississippi state legislature has that kind of power since it’s just thirty hissing possums in a barn.” – Seth Meyers

“Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don’t forget to set your clock back 100 years.” – Seth Meyers

“Ann Romney has reportedly declined an offer to appear on this season’s Dancing With The Stars. She’s probably not a good fit for the show anyway, because I’ve heard of her.” – Seth Meyers

“During an interview with Oprah Winfrey on Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour De France victories. Which explains why, during his last two races, he didn’t even need a bike.” – Seth Meyers

“The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying ‘You need a mint’.” – Bill Maher

“In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, ‘Yeah, that’s how families work’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If the NRA keeps messing with the President’s daughters, they’re going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama’s guns.” – Bill Maher (referring to the first lady’s arm muscles)

“Yesterday Joe Biden defended the White House’s gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, “And I never leave home without ’em.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rick Perry said Obama’s suggestions for gun control disgust him. He said the real answer to this problem isn’t laws, it’s prayer. You know, i know you’re not supposed to say this about elected officials, but I would pay to see Rick Perry defend himself against a school shooter with prayer.” – Bill Maher

“I guess that’s just a crazy fantasy, Rick Perry in a school.” – Bill Maher

“The best advertisement for torture is not Dick Cheney and people like that who support it, it is Hollywood. At the Golden Globes, it’s movies. Ben Affleck won for playing a CIA officer, Claire Danes won for playing a CIA officer, Jessica Chastain won for playing a CIA officer and of course, Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin, a master of counter intelligence.” – Bill Maher

“Hey, this week was the season premiere of ‘American Idol’. And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don’t want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don’t really want — or as Republicans call that, ‘the Romney plan’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I heard that President Obama’s inauguration will have its own iPhone app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, ‘Download complete!’ (which is also what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.)” – Jimmy Fallon

“Happy birthday to First Lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she’d like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don’t worry. Obama is very responsible when he’s spending his own money.” – Jay Leno

“Today Russia announced plans to send a probe to the moon by the year 2015. Russian scientists say they’re excited to see what they could discover on the moon’s surface. I’ll tell you what they’re going to discover – an American flag!” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama’s inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. ‘is not a deadbeat nation’. Then the president added, ‘By the way, if China calls, I’m not here’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the US. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House has rejected an online petition to build a planet-destroying Death Star like the one in the movie Star Wars. Officials said today the administration does not support blowing up planets. See, the White House believes the most effective way to destroy planets is with their economic policy.” – Jay Leno

“Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama’s second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won’t stop until our students are doing gooder.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It’s already being called the best ‘that’s what she said’ joke ever.” – Conan O’Brien

“Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.” – Conan O’Brien