“In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to ‘stop being the stupid party’. Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal.” – Jay Leno
“The U.S. Postal Service raised the price of a stamp yesterday. Stamps are something that the pilgrims used before we had the Internet.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The price of a stamp goes up a penny today, to 46 cents. To make sure everyone received the news promptly, the U.S. Postal Service announced it by email.” – Craig Ferguson
“It will now cost you 46 cents to mail a letter. Some people are complaining about the price even though it’s a penny more than the old price. You’re not allowed to spend $4 on a cup of coffee and complain about a cent.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In Iran last week, the government successfully launched a live monkey into space. I like that they specified it was a live monkey as if there was a chance they would send a dead monkey into space.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Iran has successfully sent a monkey into space. Iran is calling it a huge advancement in not letting women drive.” – Conan O’Brien
“Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on ’60 Minutes’ for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit.” – Jimmy Fallon
“If I seem a little woozy, it’s because I’m wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.” – David Letterman
“Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.” – David Letterman
“A Secret Service dog died during a fundraiser where Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech. The dog is being described as ‘lucky’.” – Conan O’Brien