Political Irony

“A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don’t want to go to another goddamn wedding.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court’s deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that’s why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour.” – Conan O’Brien

“The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I’m wearing a robe.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.” – Conan O’Brien

“Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, ‘It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, ‘Hey, I thought we were Muslim.” – Conan O’Brien

“Last year the living expenses of the White House residents cost us taxpayers almost 4 million. The cost were mostly due to secret service pensions and Bill Clinton’s party bus.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much ‘not done’ at home as they get ‘not done’ in Washington.” – Jay Leno

“Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter.” – Jay Leno

“I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life.” – Jon Stewart

“The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.” – Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church’s image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he’s out to crush the Rebel Alliance.” – Stephen Colbert

“New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don’t know. It’s hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman

“During his trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel’s relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel’s relationship with pork.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God’s punishment for man’s moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise.” – Stephen Colbert

“The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government.” – David Letterman

“There’s a big controversy with the History Channel’s mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn’t the first time the president’s been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congresswoman Michele ‘Nutball’ Bachmann back in the news. She has attacked what she calls the Obamas’ lavish White House lifestyle. She says they spend too much money on perks and things like a dog walker. That turns out to be totally not true. The Obamas do not pay someone to walk their dog. Joe Biden does that job every day for free.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level.” – Jay Leno

“Have you been watching ‘The Bible’? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, ‘If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.'” – David Letterman

“The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s ‘The Bible’ looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, ‘How can you do that to Satan?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michelle Obama is going to appear on the cover of the April issue of Vogue magazine. And also look for President Obama next month on the cover of The Economist. It’s their annual April Fools issue.” – Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton came out today in support of gay marriage. Now she faces her greatest challenge yet – getting her husband to support straight marriage.” – Craig Ferguson

“To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water.” – Jay Leno

“You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives.” – Jay Leno

“We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce.” – David Letterman

“You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don’t have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.” – Jay Leno

“Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes.” – David Letterman

“Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class.” – Bill Maher

“They had a panel discussion at CPAC called ‘Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You’re Not One?’ Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck.” – Bill Maher

“U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone’s computer. It’s called ‘Microsoft Windows’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey officials say that one of their state’s landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they’re going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship.” – Jay Leno

“Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won’t try to board them now.” – Jay Leno

“Are you folks excited about St. Patrick’s Day? It’s the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers.” – David Letterman

“Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC.” – Jay Leno

“Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That’s why she was known as the ‘Egyptian Taylor Swift’.” – Craig Ferguson

“After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar’s cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.” – Craig Ferguson