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Corporations Know What’s Good For You

Thursday, February 28, 2013

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” – Thomas J Watson, Chairman and CEO of IBM, in 1943.

“We’re in the business of delivering what consumers want, and to stay a little ahead of what we think they will want. We just don’t see the need of delivering that to consumers.” – Irene Esteves, Chief Financial Officer of Time Warner Cable, responding to a question about Google’s gigabit internet service in Kansas City, today.

UPDATE: Good article on why Cable and Telecom companies suck so much. The conclusion:

The fact that any Internet service provider is held in the same level of esteem by American consumers as an insurance company that required a massive taxpayer bailout and an oil company that dumped a bunch of petroleum into the Gulf of Mexico is stunning. It indicates that not only are Americans dissatisfied with their current choice of broadband providers, but that they’re positively itching for an alternative that will let them tear up their monthly cable bills for good.

Or put another way, cable companies had better enjoy their regional monopolies while they can. Because if any competitor comes along that delivers a faster service at a reasonable price in the near future, then the consumer exodus from cable will be swift and permanent.

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Both Sides of His Mouth

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Republicans seem to be spending more time trying to avoid blame for the sequester than on, you know, trying to actually passing a budget. They are mainly doing this by trying to claim that the sequester was Obama’s idea.

However, Paul Ryan, the recent Republican candidate for vice president, has been strongly promoting the sequester for years. Watch him:

The last quote on the video is Ryan now, saying that the sequester is “not good government”.

Will we fall for this?

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Can the Party of No Ever Say Yes?

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Or are they just going to keep cutting off their noses to spite their faces?

Ezra Klein sums up the current sequester situation well. Republicans have five goals/demands:

  1. Reduce the deficit.
  2. Cut entitlement spending.
  3. Protect or increase defense spending.
  4. Get rid of unnecessary deductions and loopholes in the tax code.
  5. Lower tax rates.

Now, I think all of these are reasonable goals, except for the last one because it directly conflicts with the first one (unless you still believe in the fantasy of trickle-down economics).

Note that I’m not saying I agree with these goals. For example, I think US defense spending (#3) is high enough and could be reduced. And I’d clarify number two in that I think we can decrease entitlement spending without decreasing benefits (in fact, in an earlier post I made the point that we could better reduce costs by increasing entitlement spending).

Nevertheless, the White House has now told the GOP that they will agree on the first four of these. So Republicans would achieve 80% of their goals. But the Republicans don’t want that deal. Instead they will take the sequester, which only accomplishes one of their goals.

Why? Who knows. Maybe the GOP would prefer to sweep themselves into the dustbin of history, rather than ever say yes to anything from Obama.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

“They’re going to miss Pope Benedict. He’s very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks.” – David Letterman

“It’s been reported that after the Pope retires he’ll receive a relatively small pension. So don’t be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads ‘Will Pope for food.'” – Conan O’Brien

“They’re looking for a new Pope. Each candidate will get a week’s tryout with Kelly Ripa.” – David Letterman

“It’s being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become ‘The Jerry Springer Show’?” – Jay Leno

“Domenici is defending himself by saying that he is no better or worse than the next guy. And he’s right, because you know who the next guy was? John Edwards.” – Jay Leno

“Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he’s going to wind up doing time.” – Jay Leno

“In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is ‘Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Preemptive Financial Emergency

Monday, February 25, 2013

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Somehow, conservatives have hoodwinked us into believing that there is some sort of financial emergency, and that in order to avoid cutting entitlements in the future, we have to… cut them now! This is nonsense.

An excellent article in The New Yorker that explains the real situation, and gives a strong hint as to why conservatives are pushing this con:

Projections show that, owing to an aging population and rising health-care costs, the Medicare Trust Fund will become insolvent in 2024 and Social Security in 2033. The image of empty coffers is a powerful one: half of all Americans aged between eighteen and twenty-nine don’t think that Social Security will exist when they retire. That’s a bizarre thing to believe about an important government program. No one ever says, “I don’t think the U.S. Army will be there when I get old” or talks about the Defense Department “going broke.” We assume that there will always be a need for the military, and that we’ll end up paying the taxes that are necessary to fund it. But, because Social Security and Medicare have always been self-supporting, it’s easy to believe that they’ll just vanish if the trust funds dry up. This isn’t the case. Relatively minor tweaks to Social Security will allow it to keep paying full benefits for many decades. And, if we wanted, we could supplement funding for both programs with general government revenue. That’s what most European countries do, and, indeed, parts of Medicare are already paid for out of general revenue. The only way that Social Security and Medicare can go “bankrupt” is if we let them.

So why are politicians obsessed with the question of solvency? Because it makes cutting entitlements seem inevitable, rather than a political choice. After all, if you’re in favor of cutting entitlements, that means you’re in favor of spending less money taking care of old people. That’s a tenable position, but it’s politically dicey—particularly for Republicans, since the elderly are among their biggest supporters. It’s far more palatable to argue that we simply have to cut benefits, because otherwise the programs will go bankrupt. That’s why when, in 2011, Paul Ryan introduced a plan to effectively replace Medicare with a voucher system he said that he was doing so in order to preserve Medicare for future generations. Hand-wringing about Medicare and Social Security going bust allows Republicans, paradoxically, to portray themselves not as opponents of entitlement spending but, rather, as its saviors.

So we get proposals to raise the eligibility age of Medicare, but that’s a false savings. Because Medicare is better at controlling medical spending than private insurance, raising the retirement age could cost almost twice as much in increased medical costs as it saves in government spending. So what they are really proposing is to lower government spending by a dollar by raising your health insurance costs by two dollars. And the lower government spending will only save you money if they cut taxes (instead of, say, throwing it at the military), and even then most of that tax cut will undoubtably go to the rich.

Only an obsession with the trust fund makes kicking people off Medicare seem like a rational approach to our health-care problems.

We should be expanding Medicare, not kicking people off of it! It is ironic that some of the same people who hoped Obamacare would be a single-payer system have accepted the con that we have to control Medicare costs by cutting benefits. Instead, we should be controlling Medicare costs by controlling medical costs. And a really good way to control medical costs is to expand Medicare.

Joe Heller
© Joe Heller

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, February 24, 2013

“The Pope, a couple of weeks ago, was fired. One day you’re the leader of the Catholic Church, and the next day you’re at Denny’s blowing on your soup.” – David Letterman

“The Italian press is reporting that the next Pope could be the cardinal from Boston. If he gets the job, he’ll be the first Pope to make you kiss his 2007 World Series ring.” – Conan O’Brien

“Here’s one of the odd things about being Pope. You’re the Pope and you’re in your office and sitting at your desk, and on your desk is a photo of your boss’s son.” – David Letterman

“Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.” – Jay Leno

“This is about transparency, about a free press holding our leader accountable. I mean it’s one thing to keep us in the dark about a fleet of flying robo-assassins. but a round of golf on your day off? Where’s the judicial oversight?” – Stephen Colbert

“Actually, you know what the president’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics.” – Jay Leno

“Actually, Tiger Woods gave the president some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages.” – Jay Leno

“There’s nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt.” – Stephen Colbert

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Late Night Political Humor

Saturday, February 23, 2013

“Sad news from the Vatican. As you know, Pope Benedict was fired a couple of weeks ago. They caught him stealing communion wafers” – David Letterman

“The big question: Who’s going to replace the Pope? Where’s the new Pope going to come from? I think they should check out Whole Foods. I’ve seen plenty of holier-than-thou people walking around that place.” – Jay Leno

“The Pope is going into retirement. He will be retiring to his sprawling ranch, the Pope-arosa.” – David Letterman

“We’re learning more about the Pope’s condition. The Vatican announced that Pope Benedict hit his head during his March 2012 trip to Mexico. In fact, right after that, the Pope said he’s sworn off spring break forever.” – Jay Leno

“Happy Presidents Day. Today we celebrate an American tradition — immigrants working on your day off.” – Craig Ferguson

“Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials.” – Craig Ferguson

“You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England.” – Craig Ferguson

“People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America’s original Willie Nelson.” – Craig Ferguson

“Since the brutal presidential election, there’s been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one.” – Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, ‘No hanging out with Tiger afterwards. You come right home’.” – Jay Leno

“Actually Tiger and the President both have something in common. Both got in trouble because of their stimulus package.” – Jay Leno

“The White House’s immigration plan was leaked over the weekend, and Florida Senator Marco Rubio is already calling it ‘dead on arrival’. That incidentally is also Florida’s state motto.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.” – Jay Leno

“It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful.” – Stephen Colbert

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Russell Brand v. WBC

Friday, February 22, 2013

Russell Brand takes on two members of the Westboro Baptist Church. Complete bizarreness ensues.

Who knew that Gandhi went to hell!

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Late Night Political Humor

Friday, February 22, 2013

“Can President Obama get the support of gun owners? Yes, after a four-year waiting period.” – Stephen Colbert

“Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist — like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years.” – Bill Maher

“After Obama’s speech, the Cuban guy in the Republican Party reached for a bottle of water, and he looked like a mime stuck in a box.” – Bill Maher

“New Rule: Someone has to tell Marco Rubio something I learned a long time ago: never get high before a show. You wind up making no sense, and you develop a bad case of cottonmouth. Plus, the next time Rubio panders to Latinos by releasing an all-Spanish version of a speech, when he stops for a water break, he has to drink from the hose.” – Bill Maher

“Did you watch that speech? John Boehner sat behind him with this look on his face, like a guy enduring a long story from a restroom attendant.” – Bill Maher

“Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don’t we get rid of the penny. And he said as long as we’re getting rid of stuff that’s bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?” – Bill Maher

“GOP civil war — of course the first thing they’ll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag.” – Stephen Colbert

“Sen. Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky’s economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious.” – Bill Maher

“Pope Benedict is the first Pope to resign since the Middle Age. The Middle Ages — a period of history the Catholic Church refers to as now.” – Bill Maher

“February 28 is when the Pope turns in his badge and his scepter. Then we’re going to have a period where there’s no Pope. And the Vatican says until a new Pope is installed, pedophile priests have to make their own travel arrangements.” – Bill Maher

“It’s been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street — at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?” – Stephen Colbert

“I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people — they are not just homosexual, they’re homo-ceptional.” – Stephen Colbert

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Late Night Political Humor

Thursday, February 21, 2013

“As you know, the Pope is resigning. He said he feels there’s just no room for advancement. It’s a dead-end job.” – Jay Leno

“The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it’s the same thing that happened to Oprah.” – Conan O’Brien

“Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they’re busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow.” – David Letterman

“President Obama made the annual State of the Union address last night. Then Florida Senator Marco Rubio rebutted for the GOP. He said you can’t have a middle class without the rich. He’s right. Just like you need ‘Biggie’ fries to have regular-sized fries.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It’s just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don’t want to do.” – Conan O’Brien

“Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?” – Jay Leno

“While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That’s what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“How about the way Rubio never takes his eyes off the camera when he’s reaching for the water. It’s like, ‘Drop the gun on the floor. Put down the gun.'” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can’t buy it, but in Washington, who knows?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The most impressive thing about President Obama’s State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water.” – Jay Leno

“Before the State of the Union address last night, President Obama did an exploding fist bump with Republican Senator Mark Kirk. Which really goes to show you – it doesn’t matter if they’re black or white, Republican or Democrat, politicians are really awkward.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, ‘Beats the finger I usually get!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it’s talking about.” – Jay Leno

“Last night while the president was speaking, the Westminster Dog Show wrapped up. The dog show and the State of the Union address are very different, of course. One’s a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing. And the other is the dog show.” – Craig Ferguson

“Last night’s Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It’s a German dog. The affenpinscher’s name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe’s being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump’s toupee.” – Craig Ferguson

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The Real Danger to Humanity

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

David Horsey
© David Horsey

I actually do think that if humanity were existentially threatened, that we would come together. But it would take something dramatic.

I think at least part of our problem right now is that we are relatively really well off, and everyone knows that money is the root of all evil, right? But if we faced a serious problem, I would hope we could respond.

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Late Night Political Humor

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

“The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone’s not handling the breakup well.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Benedict says he is resigning because of physical problems. Apparently it’s an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys.” – Jay Leno

“With the Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel to choose the next Pope. They’ll send out white smoke if they’ve chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven’t chosen somebody, and a text message when they find out that it’s 2013.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.” – Jay Leno

“Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up ‘being Pope’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Years ago Mardi Gras started as a Catholic celebration before Lent. So now we know why Pope Benedict quit. He just wanted to get in one last party.” – Craig Ferguson

“I have to hand it to President Obama. He is full of confidence, really kind of cocky and full of himself. At the end of his State of the Union address he showed America his Kenyan birth certificate.” – David Letterman

“President Obama made his fifth State of the Union address tonight. Traditionally, following the State of the Union address, the opposition party rebuts what the president said. They don’t know what the president is going to say, but they know they won’t like it.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he’s known in the Republican Party, ‘our black guy’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Following the State of the Union speech, Republicans gave their rebuttal. But yesterday Democrats held a press conference to deliver a pre-rebuttal to the Republicans’ rebuttal. Democrats decided to preemptively rebut their rebuttal.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“So Democrats gave a speech, responding to a speech no one had ever heard, which itself was in response to a speech no one had ever heard — which I think is the plot to ‘Inception’, isn’t it? ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“This is a real break with tradition. When the president walked into the chamber, instead of ‘Hail to the Chief,’ they played ‘Hey, Big Spender’.” – Jay Leno

“Do you know why the White House scheduled the State of the Union address for Lincoln’s birthday instead of Washington’s birthday? Well, it’s because Washington was famous for saying, ‘I cannot tell a lie’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Earlier tonight President Obama gave his State of the Union address. At every State of the Union address the president is introduced by some guy who walks in and says, ‘Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States!’ If we’re really serious about reducing the size of government, start with that guy. What does he work, one day a year?” – Jay Leno

“House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said on Fox News Sunday that it’s a false argument to say that we have a spending problem. You know something? I think she may be right. I think what we actually have is a ‘You don’t have a clue’ problem.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Sunny Germany?

Monday, February 18, 2013

Only on Fox News. Why let reality get in the way of defending the stranglehold large multinational oil companies have on our energy future?

Fox and Friends was ridiculing Obama’s “failed” strategy to promote solar energy in the US, but there was the little detail of Germany to contend with. Germany is leading the world in switching to solar power. So they asked their “expert” guest why solar power was working so well in Germany when it failed here in the US. The “expert” response? “They get a lot more sun than we do.” California might get sun now and then, “but here on the East Coast, it’s just not going to work.”

There’s just one problem. I live in the Pacific Northwest (famous for cloudy weather) and we get more sunshine than Germany. According the US Department of Energy, virtually the entire continental US gets more sun than even the sunniest part of Germany.

Watch it yourself:

UPDATE: A Fox News “expert” apology. Definitely fair and balanced. Not.

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Late Night Political Humor

Monday, February 18, 2013

“Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, ‘Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn’t feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, ‘I’ve got some stuff that can help you with that’.” – Jay Leno

“The Pope said he just doesn’t have the energy to be Pope anymore. He tried the deer antler spray and it didn’t work.” – David Letterman

“The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!” – Jay Leno

“Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope had a press conference today. He said he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.” – David Letterman

“The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.” – Craig Ferguson

“Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.” – David Letterman

“CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.” – Craig Ferguson

“Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, when the voting’s done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it’s white smoke, they’ve agreed on a Pope. If it’s black smoke, no decision’s been made. If it’s green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel.” – Craig Ferguson

“Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you’re not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America’s problems and Congress says, ‘No’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Reportedly, President Obama’s speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he’ll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one.” – Jay Leno

“Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, ‘If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he’s having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend.” – Conan O’Brien

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Late Night Political Humor

Sunday, February 17, 2013

“This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I’m ever doing on this show.” – Conan O’Brien

“Supporters of Hillary Clinton have already started a 2016 super PAC on her behalf called ‘Ready for Hillary.’ And more cautious Democratic supporters have started another super PAC called ‘Bracing for Biden’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams.” – David Letterman

“When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, ‘It’s not my thing’. Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.” – Conan O’Brien

“Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.” – Jay Leno

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism.” – Jay Leno

“Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail.” – Jay Leno

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