Political Irony

“North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, ‘Whoa, easy on the tequila’.” – Craig Ferguson

“Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They’re adorable little missiles with ‘Hello Kitty’ on them.” – Craig Ferguson

“This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven’t seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since ‘Gangnam Style’.” – Craig Ferguson

“North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to ‘Gangnam Style’.” – Conan O’Brien

“I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear missile tomorrow, I’m really glad we had this time together.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical ‘Grease.’ That’s also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world’s attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC.” – Craig Ferguson

“The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘You can do that?'” – Jay Leno

“That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for.” – Jay Leno

“This week on the ‘Today’ show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, ‘Cool. How does secretary of state sound?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was this day in 1867 that Russia sold Alaska to the United States for 2 cents an acre. You know why they sold us so cheaply? Just to get rid of the Palins.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is in trouble for saying that California Attorney General Kamala Harris is good looking. When asked for comment, Bill Clinton said, ‘That guy is out of control’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Because Obama said California Attorney General Kamala Harris was attractive, people are calling his remark sexist. Now the President is overcompensating and trying to balance it out. Today he said Attorney General Eric Holder has a great ass.” – Jay Leno

“Little is known about North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un other than the fact that he is ruthless, he supports torture, and he is a huge basketball fan. I’m sorry, that’s not Kim Jong Un. That’s Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice. I had them confused.” – Jay Leno

“Dennis Rodman is on the show tonight, fresh off his trip to North Korea and his appearance on ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ I’m gonna ask him what it was like to spend time with a crazy power-hungry madman – and then we’ll talk about Kim Jong Un.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy.” – Jay Leno

“There’s this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts – except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won’t do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Public Policy Polling asked a group of 1,200 registered voters, and 13 percent said they believe Obama is the Antichrist and another 13 percent were not sure. I feel if he were the Antichrist, he would be getting more legislation passed.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, ‘That guy needs to learn how to shoot’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama – one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush’s library this month. Apparently there’s still a lot of debris around the new building, or as Obama put it, ‘Don’t look at me, I’m still cleaning up your last mess’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.” – Jay Leno

“The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ‘Irony.gov’.” – David Letterman

“The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term ‘illegal immigrant.’ That is out. They will now use the phrase ‘Undocumented Democrat’.” – Jay Leno

“The White House held its 135th annual Easter Egg Roll. President Obama and Mrs. Obama were there. The theme was ‘Be healthy, be active, be you.’ They had a yoga garden, which sounds like a place you threaten kids with when they are bad. ‘I will send you straight to the yoga garden, little mister’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.” – Stephen Colbert

“Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, ‘Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a dude.” – Stephen Colbert

“Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.” – Jay Leno

“I’ve never been a fan of Earth Day and it’s hippie dippy Kumbaya orgy of drum-circle-jerks.” – Stephen Colbert

“North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they’re stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.” – Jay Leno

“According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships. That’s not unusual.” – Jay Leno

“North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?” – Jay Leno

“North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, ‘Can’t believe I’m doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he’s ever made – then he looked at his economic advisers and said, ‘Ehh, maybe not.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge of our national security – recently said she doesn’t email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because there’s literally no other way she’ll get the message.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies with Matthew McConaughey.” – Jay Leno