Political Irony

“In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he’ll always think of it as the one house he couldn’t buy.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burwell to be his budget director. The President says he’s excited by her experience at Wal-Mart. Sylvia Burwell said she’s excited to be making more than $9.85 per hour.” – Conan O’Brien

“Obama’s sci-fi flub should be the GOP’s gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar.” – Stephen Colbert (on Obama’s “Jedi mind-meld” gaffe)

“Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It’s getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama’s half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He’s a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don’t know much about the half-brother.” – Craig Ferguson

“Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran’s nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen.” – Conan O’Brien

“The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It’s like a ‘Star Trek’ convention but less celibate.” – Conan O’Brien

“We are 24 hours away from massive across-the-board budget cuts. If the cuts go into effect, major airports could face delays up to 90 minutes – or as JetBlue calls it, an on-time departure.” – Conan O’Brien

“Actually, with automatic spending cuts scheduled for tomorrow, 300 illegal immigrants have been released from jail in Arizona. Or as officials put it, ‘Catch ya later’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday the Senate confirmed Jack Lew to be President Obama’s new Treasury Secretary. Unfortunately, if the sequester happens he’ll have to be let go due to budget cuts.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Benedict has become the first Pope to retire in 600 years. You have to wonder what a Pope does in retirement. I heard a rumor he already cashed in his 401(k).” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Pope Benedict is officially retired. Apparently there was some last-minute tension at the Vatican because they wouldn’t give the Pope his security deposit back. ” – Craig Ferguson

“He left glue on the walls from his Def Leppard posters.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today was Pope Benedict’s last day at work. Don’t be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee’s.” – Conan O’Brien

“As you know, the Pope stepped down today. There’s a lot of cardinals running for this Pope position. Some of the slogans are pretty catchy. My favorite: ‘Yes, We Vati-can.'” – Jay Leno

“Pope Benedict officially retired today. People are actually placing bets on who the next Pope will be. At least that’s what I heard during my fantasy Pope draft.” – Jimmy Fallon

“My favorite part about today was when the Pope left the Vatican, he left in a helicopter – just like ‘The Bachelor’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you know the Pope is a helicopter pilot? He has a helicopter pilot’s license, but never got a driver’s license. He can fly a helicopter, but he can’t drive a car — just like Jesus before him.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In the next few weeks, a group will assemble in the Vatican. Their job is to select a new Pope. The group will consist of 120 top cardinals and Simon Cowell. He’ll say, ‘Your Pope-ing is rubbish. You’re not going to the Vatican.'” – Craig Ferguson

“The Pope spoke to 100 cardinals and said, ‘Among you is the future Pope.’ And then he said, ‘Now enter The Octagon’. They’re going to fight it out with holy relics.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.” – Craig Ferguson

“Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It’s the Radio Shack of the War on Terror.” – Stephen Colbert

“The War on Terror just turned 12-years-old, which explains why it’s into remote controlled planes.” – Stephen Colbert

“Can our drone program win the war on terror? Yes, if you go: up, up, down down, B, A, B, A, select.” – Stephen Colbert

“President Obama said this week that after four years as president, ‘you realize all the mistakes you’ve made’. So apparently he DOES watch Fox News.” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Chuck Hagel, new secretary of defense. And today, he’s already off to a bad start. He’s going to bring all of the troops home from Afghanistan, but they’re coming on a Carnival cruise.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry is the new secretary of state. Or the pressure has really taken a toll on Hillary Clinton.” – Stephen Colbert

“Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you’re someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you’re really screwed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This horse meat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers, they sensed something was wrong but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it.” – Jay Leno

“In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog.” – Jay Leno

“Italy just had its elections. There’s no winner. There’s no government in Italy. People over there have been running wild through the streets, waving their hands in the air. And then they heard about the elections.” – Craig Ferguson

“All this turmoil, of course, is nothing new in Italy. Until the late 19th century it was just a bunch of feuding states. And the women had tiny mustaches. It was like the Kardashians.” – Craig Ferguson

“Italian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he’s got what it takes to be a priest – or an interior decorator.” – Craig Ferguson

“A lot of Americans can’t believe how crazy the politics are in Italy. A comedian might become prime minister. We would never do that in America. A pro wrestler? Sure. Stuart Smalley from ‘Saturday Night Live’? Yeah.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today the Pope made his last public appearance. That is, until the new season of ‘Dancing With the Stars’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that ‘the lord seemed to be asleep’. When asked for comment the Lord said, ‘You try staying awake through a Latin mass.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Big international controversy about the Oscars. When they aired in Iran, the Iranian government digitally added sleeves to Michelle Obama’s gown. They also altered the video so that Jennifer Lawrence is now deliberately tripped by the Israelis.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s tax season. Has anybody been to their accountant? I used to go in with a short form and be out of there in 10 minutes. Well, now I went to the guy and the first thing he says to me when I walk into the office is, ‘Are you sure you weren’t tailed?'” – David Letterman

Apparently this is a common meme!

© Vince Yanez

It is even spreading across the big water, thanks to the efforts of Jesus’ General:

© Jesus’ General

I’m rather proud of this sonogram, I developed the pistol the little fetus-American is holding. It was part of my effort to ensure that all Americans have an opportunity to exercise their Second Amendment rights. Sure, fetuses have lousy judgement and virtually no hand-eye coordination skills, but arming them is no more irresponsible than allowing people to carry guns in pubs. The important thing is that OB/GYNs fear the fetus, that doctors are always on edge, scared that at any moment, a fetus might thrust his pistol out through his mother’s woo woo and start firing.

Perhaps we could work together to bring the same kind of fetal firepower to Britain.

Of course, someone tweeted the next logical step:

Condoms won’t get in the way if we finally start arming sperm.

“Last night a toilet flooded the lobby where the Oscars show was being held. The show won an Oscar for best portrayal of a Carnival cruise.” – Conan O’Brien

“First Lady Michelle Obama won an Academy Award for best bangs.” – David Letterman

“Big winner last night was ‘Life of Pi,’ a story of a young man who wakes up in a lifeboat with a hyena, zebra, orangutan, and tiger, which oddly enough, is also the plot of ‘The Hangover 3’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The entire cast of ‘Les Miserables’ performed a song from the movie, featuring Russell Crowe. Or as the cast of ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ put it, ‘Now this is torture’.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Unlike Jesus, with my book, you don’t have to wait a thousand years for the second edition.” – Stephen Colbert

“South Korea’s first female president was sworn in. Meanwhile, North Korea said, ‘We’re just going to stick with men named Kim.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Fox News host Bill O’Reilly is writing a new book about the killing of Jesus. It will be the first time Jesus’ death is blamed on Obamacare.” – Conan O’Brien

“After the success of his book, ‘Killing Lincoln,’ Bill O’Reilly is coming out with a new book called ‘Killing Jesus.’ He’s going to be disappointed when he finds out there’s already a book about that.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today 15 Republican Senators demanded the withdrawal of Hagel’s nomination and it’s no wonder. Senate Republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in Hagel’s past. For instance, he was once a Senate Republican.” – Stephen Colbert

“The fact that these organizations don’t exist only makes it more suspicious that Chuck Hagel has been tied to them … President Obama, withdraw Hagel’s nomination, or you will lose the support of moderate Republicans — another group that doesn’t exist.” – Stephen Colbert

“It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Someone hacked into Donald Trump’s Twitter account. It’s filled with offensive nonsense and stupid jokes. Then it got hacked.” – Craig Ferguson

“The U.S. Postal Service is launching a fashion line. Some people think it is a bad idea. But I think if the post office gets behind something, it’ll eventually turn out to be a good idea. Just look at sponsoring Lance Armstrong.” – Craig Ferguson

“Officials in Pakistan are complaining that the movie ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ contains a lot of errors. They were like, ‘The movie makes Pakistan out to be a hellish wasteland of corruption and intolerance – but in real life, it’s WAY worse than that.'” – Jimmy Fallon