Political Irony

“Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he’s in the shallow end.” – Jay Leno

“According to new poll information, Americans now think very strongly positive about George W. Bush. By God, maybe there’s hope for me!” – David Letterman

“I mean, at the end of this man’s presidency, even as my fellow conservatives were abandoning Bush like rats on a sinking ship on a crash course with Cat Island, I remained faithful, and I’m sure he knows that from the warrantless wiretaps he authorized.” – Stephen Colbert

“Senator John McCain went on TV this week to call Kim Jong-Un a clown and a fool. As you know, according to John McCain, that would still make him eligible to be vice president.” – Jay Leno

“U.S. intelligence agencies have put together a psychological profile of Kim Jong Un. They say he’s a narcissist, and he is obsessed with Hollywood, obsessed with plastic surgery, and obsessed with the NBA. It’s a condition we know as ‘Kardashianism’.” – Jay Leno

“Computer hackers hacked into The Associated Press Twitter account and they faked reports about an attack on the White House. And I thought, ‘Wait a minute, the real news isn’t bad enough? Now we’re making up bad news?'” – David Letterman

“These brothers killed a young policeman, carjacked an SUV, ending with a high-speed chase and a firefight in which Tamerlan was mortally wounded, ending his life as all Islamic terrorists dream: at Beth Israel Hospital.” – Stephen Colbert (on the Boston Marathon bombers)

“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back on Twitter. It’s like giving Lindsay Lohan the keys to the mini bar.” – David Letterman

“Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses.” – Craig Ferguson

“After a very difficult week, it’s good to know that bad guys don’t get away with it. We caught the Ricin guy. We caught the bombers. This is a powerful message from our government; we will not be intimidated by bombs, we will not be intimidated by poison. This is America. If you are a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun.” – Bill Maher

“These are two bombers – they are two brothers, ethnic Chechens, which is in southern Russia – who came to the U.S. from the country of Kyrgyzstan, which is in central Asia. And today George W. Bush vowed revenge and called for an immediate invasion of Puerto Rico.” – Bill Maher

“Between these two assholes and the douchebag who sent Ricin to President Obama, it makes me very nostalgic for the carefree days of last week when we were just being threatened by North Korea with nuclear annihilation.” – Bill Maher

“The guy who sent the Ricin to President Obama … believed he had uncovered a conspiracy to sell human body parts on the black market and the government was in on it. He’s been apprehended, he’s facing jail time, and he’s leading in the polls for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016.” – Bill Maher

“Because of the filibuster, the gun bill failed 54 to 46. Failed. I tell you, if the American people ever learn math, they’re going to be pissed.” – Bill Maher

“90 percent of people support background checks, which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.” – Bill Maher

“A lot of the senators are saying off the record that the reason they couldn’t vote for any sort of gun bill is that they couldn’t go back to their district in this year after we’ve dealt with gay marriage and immigration and gun regulations. This is too much for the peckerwoods to process in any one moment. You might as well say Obama is coming for your deep fryer.” – Bill Maher

© Scott Stantis

Sounds hokey to me!

“Do you believe Dennis Rodman is still talking about Kim Jong Un? It’s not a good sign when the friend who’s trying to explain that you’re not crazy is Dennis Rodman. That’s not the guy I would send out for my sanity test.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you’re an FBI informant.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today, North Koreans celebrated the 101st birthday of their country’s founder. He famously said, ‘Let’s have a crappy version of South Korea. We can do that.'” – Conan O’Brien

“It was revealed today that someone sent President Obama a suspicious letter containing the poison ricin. It’s a deadly poison made from beans. They said it’s the third worst substance you can send in the mail behind anthrax and packing peanuts.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Federal law enforcement agencies say they believe it’s from the same person who sent ricin to a Republican senator yesterday. At least he’s bipartisan.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“President Obama offered to wash senators’ cars if it would lead to an immigration bill. Senators then told Obama, ‘If you’re going to wash our cars, why do we need immigrants?” – Conan O’Brien

“Today is April 15. You have 20 minutes to get your taxes in. This is the most stressful day of the year for accountants, small business owners, and Wesley Snipes.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Why does the government charge us postage to send in our tax returns? We have to pay them to pay them. It’s like giving a slice back to the pizza delivery guy. How about you just deduct 75 cents from what I already paid?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it’s 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida.” – Conan O’Brien

© Ruben Bolling

I know that North Korea fell out of the News cycle after the events in Boston, but this comic is just too funny to ignore. If you don’t remember the Great Photoshop war of 2008 with Iran, here’s a (hilarious) reminder.

Once again, having to start under horrific events here in this country. I really hate the fact that I can cross-reference my thoughts to so many other events that have occurred over the years — so I’m not going to. I’m just going to say this to Boston: Thank you. Thank you for once again, in the face of gross inhumanity, inspiring and solidifying my belief in humanity and the people of this country.

So thank you for everything you’ve done. It’s a quite a little city you’ve got going on up there. And New Yorkers and Boston obviously have kind of a little bit of a competition. Often, the two cities accusing each other of various levels of suckitude. But it is in situations like this that we realize it is clearly a sibling rivalry, and that we are your brothers and sisters in this type of event. As a city that knows the feeling of confusion, anger, and grief, and chaos that comes with these events, I can tell you from personal experience: You’ve got a hell of a city going on, and you’ve done an incredible job in the face of all this. Thank you.

– Jon Stewart

Whoever did this obviously did not know shit about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete’s sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims — a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on. It is the cradle of the American revolution. A city that withstood an 86-year losing streak. A city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for 16 years — I mean, there are commuters just getting home now. Even their bands are tough. It’s the hometown of Aerosmith, who are, in their fifth decade, still going strong. Even Steven Tyler looks fantastic, for a 73-year-old woman.

But here is what these cowards really don’t get. They attacked the Boston Marathon. An event celebrating people who run 26 miles on their day off until their nipples are raw for fun. And they have been holding it in Boston since 1897. And do you know how tough you have to be to run in a whalebone corset? And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood.

So here’s what I know. These maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do is show just how good those people are.

– Stephen Colbert

“North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, ‘Whoa, easy on the tequila’.” – Craig Ferguson

“Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They’re adorable little missiles with ‘Hello Kitty’ on them.” – Craig Ferguson

“This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven’t seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since ‘Gangnam Style’.” – Craig Ferguson

“North Korea threatened to launch a missile at South Korea. North Korea backed down after South Korea threatened to launch a sequel to ‘Gangnam Style’.” – Conan O’Brien

“I want you all to know that if the North Koreans launch a nuclear missile tomorrow, I’m really glad we had this time together.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In high school Kim Jong Un starred in a production of the musical ‘Grease.’ That’s also where Kim met his first wife, Olivia Newton Jong.” – Conan O’Brien

“Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world’s attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC.” – Craig Ferguson

“The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘You can do that?'” – Jay Leno

“That shows you the difference between our two countries. See, over here in America we’re cursed no matter who we vote for.” – Jay Leno

“This week on the ‘Today’ show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, ‘Cool. How does secretary of state sound?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis.” – Conan O’Brien

“It was this day in 1867 that Russia sold Alaska to the United States for 2 cents an acre. You know why they sold us so cheaply? Just to get rid of the Palins.” – Jay Leno