Political Irony

“We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn’t want to do.” – Conan O’Brien

“We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A.” – Jay Leno

“The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you’re saying to yourself, ‘Boy, that name sounds familiar,’ you’re right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees.” – David Letterman

“People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews.” – Jay Leno

“The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. ‘Francis’ was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of ‘Pope Boo Boo’.” – Craig Ferguson

“The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don’t go with a girl’s name.” – Conan O’Brien

“But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on ‘The View’.” – Jay Leno

“What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he’s 76 years old. He’s a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay.” – Craig Ferguson

“Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope.” – David Letterman

“The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic.” – Craig Ferguson

“We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.” – Jay Leno

“Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who’s still trying to figure out how the ballots work.” – Jimmy Fallon

“With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there’s a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio?” – David Letterman

“The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don’t have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any “Walking Dead” spoilers.” – Conan O’Brien

“The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put it in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they’re drawn out. It’s the same thing they do for the Vatican’s Secret Santa.” – David Letterman

“In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong.” – Jimmy Fallon

“As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote.” – Craig Ferguson

“The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don’t reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they’re working on the Vatican Oldsmobile.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope has more than one designation. He’s also the bishop of Rome. He’s also known as the pontiff. And here’s what I didn’t know. He’s also known as Diddy.” – David Letterman

“A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.” – Craig Ferguson

“How would the government try to enforce something like that? It’s not like Obama’s got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.” – Craig Ferguson

“There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’” – Jimmy Fallon

“The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie “Argo.” They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can’t do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie ‘Shrek’.” – Craig Ferguson

“In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.” – Jay Leno

“North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman!” – David Letterman

“Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea’s Kim Jong Un. It’s nice of him to step in and fill that.” – Jay Leno

“Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida.” – Conan O’Brien

“When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs.” – David Letterman

“After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he’s asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.” – Jay Leno

“The Obamas’ dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said “Wait, why am I still taking the train?’” – Conan O’Brien

“The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit.” – Conan O’Brien

“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’” – Bill Maher

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” – Bill Maher

“Obama took twelve Republicans out to dinner this week, at a restaurant; like a date, and he picked up the tab…he put down the White House credit card. Bad news for the economy, it was denied.” – Bill Maher

“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on.” – Bill Maher

“They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty first.” – Bill Maher

“If seeing this nice lady (Michelle Obama) on TV saying she likes the movies, or nutrition, or exercise fills you with rage, get help.” – Bill Maher

“The TSA this week announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines.” – Seth Meyers

“North Korea this week announced they are sick of our shit and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the fuck did Dennis Rodman say?!’” – Bill Maher

“Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever… they say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk.” – Bill Maher

“A poll came out this week and said a large majority of American Catholics want someone younger and all the cardinals said ‘girlfriend, who doesn’t’.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – fuck you. A one-million dollar hybrid – that ought to impress the hippie chicks selling soap at the farmer’s market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said ‘Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend’.” – Conan O’Brien

“All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don’t worry, there’s another way get into the White House if you don’t belong. Fake your birth certificate.” – Craig Ferguson

“Tonight there’s a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama’s drones?” – Craig Ferguson

“North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?” – Conan O’Brien [I’ve been wondering this one myself! –iron]

“New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn’t that the plot of ‘Footloose’?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people’s hands?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA’s meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA’s hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends’ feet on vacation.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on ‘Friends’? Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in … four weeks ago.” – Stephen Colbert

“Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He’s a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don’t like. Chavez was, too.” – Craig Ferguson

“The people of Venezuela aren’t sure who’ll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher.” – Craig Ferguson

“A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit.” – Conan O’Brien

“Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, ‘Now I’ll never see it’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it’s made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.” – Conan O’Brien