The real scandal is that Congress doesn’t seem capable of doing anything about the issues that really matter. Instead, we get distraction after distraction and obstruction after obstruction. And it looks like this is being done on purpose.
Well, at least I guess we can feel better since Congress has its top people in charge of oversight:
“New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky… Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court.” – Bill Maher
“While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to ‘Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi’.” – Jay Leno
“For those of you who have not been following Benghazi-gate, President Obama … has done the worst thing ever that anyone ever did in mankind. The Republicans now just have to figure out what. They have no idea what it is.” – Bill Maher
“They want so bad to find a smoking gun and there just isn’t one. There is no smoking gun. How said is that? Someone in America not able to find a gun.” – Bill Maher
“President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, ‘Uh — the Iron Man sequel sector?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama was down in Texas on his ‘Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour’. Don’t confuse that with his first term. That was the ‘Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour.'” – Jay Leno
“Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They’re speculating that he did this because they’re thinking he’s going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn’t unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can’t eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself’.” – Bill Maher
“The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery.” – David Letterman
“NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane.” – David letterman
“I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It’s eight months if you leave from Newark.” – David letterman
“Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night?” – Jay Leno
“The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill that will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow’s got a better chance of passing.” – David letterman
“This week marks the 10th anniversary of the professional networking site LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hooters is letting mothers eat for free on Mother’s Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?” – Conan O’Brien
It turns out that the “evidence” provided by Republicans to show that the Obama administration watered down the facts about the Benghazi attack were (to put it bluntly) lies. For example, an email from White House security advisor Ben Rhodes said:
We need to resolve this in a way that respects all of the relevant equities, particularly the investigation.
But the Republican version of the email said:
We must make sure that the talking points reflect all agency equities, including those of the State Department, and we don’t want to undermine the FBI investigation.
adding the phrase about the State Department to make it look like the White House was trying to protect Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
In another quote, Republicans changed things to make it look like the White House orchestrated changes to the talking points. But looking at the real emails shows, as CBS News put it “There is no evidence that the White House orchestrated the changes.”
This is the scandal that Republicans claim is “worse than Watergate”? Not only is it a tempest in a teapot, it sure looks like the Republicans manufactured the tempest. Where’s the guy who now stands up to the GOP and says “you lie!”?
“In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi.” – Conan O’Brien
“Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in.” – Jay Leno
“What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re deeply sorry about him.” – Stephen Colbert
“Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America.” – Jay Leno
“My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford.” – Stephen Colbert
“Bill Clinton was being interview recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn’t said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn’t said anything to him since 1998.” – Jimmy Fallon
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.'” – Conan O’Brien
“New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green.” – Jay Leno
“According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady.” – Conan O’Brien
Republicans claim to be in favor of free markets, but their actions speak louder than their words. For example, in North Carolina a bill sponsored by Republican state senator Tom Apodaca was just approved by the senate commerce committee, and is now ready for a vote, which would prohibit electric car maker Tesla from selling cars in the state. Why? Because Tesla sells its cars directly to consumers, rather than going through car dealerships. The bill doesn’t specifically mention Tesla, even though it is clearly aimed at them. It instead prohibits any car maker from selling direct (Tesla is the only car maker who sells direct).
What North Carolina is trying to outlaw is disintermediation, better known as “cutting out the middleman”. Disintermediation is what stores like Costco and Sam’s Club do, selling wholesale direct to consumers instead of forcing them to buy retail. It is also what internet companies like Amazon, Priceline, Shutterfly, Petmed, and Flowers.com do.
Unsurprisingly, the bill is backed by the NC Automobile Dealers Association, who claim that dealers are necessary, saying “The whole point of the retail system is to protect the consumer.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never felt protected by car salesmen.
Texas (and other states) already has a law restricting Tesla’s business model. In that state, the showrooms that Tesla has set up to allow potential customers to see their electric cars are prohibited not only from actually selling the cars, but they cannot even discuss the price nor offer test drives. Instead, after seeing (but not driving in) the cars, the consumer must go home and order the car online. But if the NC bill becomes law, consumers would not even be allowed to do that, so there is no way they could buy a Tesla car in the state.
When businesses ship jobs overseas to increase profits, the GOP just says that’s a free market. But when a company like Tesla tries to bypass a powerful group with lobbyists, it is a completely different story. Unsurprisingly, the NC Automobile Dealers Association gave the maximum contribution allowed by NC law to senator Apodaca.
So maybe they don’t hate free markets. They just love campaign contributions more.
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list.” – Conan O’Brien
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that back in February he had a secret lap-band surgery, which explains why there’s been so much food in New Jersey lately.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had stomach surgery so he won’t be so big. His family gave him a choice. They said, ‘Look, you either have that surgery or get your own ZIP code.'” – David Letterman
“Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden’s mouth stapled.” – Jay Leno
“Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol.” – David Letterman
“Chris Christie had weight reduction surgery. As a result, I’ll be going into surgery for monologue joke reduction.” – Conan O’Brien
“If you examine the pictures, you can see that Christie actually might be getting fatter. He’s the worst ad for lap-band surgery ever.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we’re going to war with North Korea.” – Jimmy Fallon
“When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, ‘She’s having a little fun being a private citizen.’ And then he added, ‘Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless.” – Conan O’Brien
“The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, ‘Well, that would be great if I had a job.'” – David Letterman
“CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses.” – Jay Leno
“Cicadas are back, and there are going to be trillions of them. Cicadas mate once every 17 years. They’re like Martha Stewart.” – David Letterman
“Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands.” – Craig Ferguson
“Folks, this is the best kind of political story. We have no idea what’s in it, and it’s going to be explosive. It’s the Taco Bell of breaking news.” – Stephen Colbert, on the House hearings on Benghazi
Some last tidbits about Benghazi. First, Glenn Greenwald makes some good points on Bill Maher’s show (and Maher just comes off as a jerk):
And a funny comic. Everyone should apply this to their assholes:
I actually agree with both sides. As Glenn Greenwald says, when a US ambassador gets killed, there should be some investigation. But Fox News and some Republicans are not actually interested in figuring out what happened, they are just interested in cheap political points. In fact they are making it more difficult to get to the truth by repeating any lie they can find about the incident.
“Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State’s graduation, and told students that it’s their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, ‘Wait, isn’t that literally your responsibility?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend President Obama gave the commencement speech at Ohio State University. He said, ‘I dare you to do better’ — to which the students yelled back, ‘No, we dare YOU to do better. We need jobs!'” – Jay Leno
“If Obama can’t take our guns, he’ll make sure you can’t put anything in them. After that, he’s going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting.” – Stephen Colbert (on the conspiracy theory that the government is buying up bullets)
“Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic presidential race could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him ‘practice’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new report, Al Gore now has more money than Mitt Romney. Gore said ‘Mitt and I are living proof that if you’re a boring white guy, anything is possible’.” – Conan O’Brien
“George W. Bush’s nephew, George P. Bush, is running for office in Texas. He says P stands for ‘Pretend you’ve never heard the name Gorge W. Bush.” – Conan O’Brien
“PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, ‘If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. It has a very creative slogan: ‘National Parks: Nobody Knows You’re Drinking in Here’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mexico’s economy has been on the upswing the last couple of years. They’re getting investors from companies all over the world. In fact, Mexico is now home to 11 million undocumented Americans.” – Jay Leno
I can’t decide if this is insane or brilliant. A Tea Party group organized a three-day boycott of Fox News, claiming the right-wing “news” source is too liberal. The boycott started Thursday and ended this morning. According to the group’s website:
FOX needs the Tea Party/conservatives more than the conservatives need FOX after FOX turned left, basically selling out the people who made FOX successful in an attempt to earn an extra buck.
They also accused Fox of participating in a Benghazi cover-up, of going soft on immigration, and failing to discover the truth about Obama’s birth certificate.
We need Fox to turn right. We think this is a cover-up and Fox is aiding and abetting it. This is the way Hitler started taking over Germany, by managing and manipulating the news media.
So, are they serious, or is this an attempt to outflank Fox News by opening up a new front on their right flank against them?
Humans are notoriously bad at evaluating risks. We seriously overreact to some risks, while sticking our collective heads in the sand for far more dangerous risks.
Between the years of 1959 and 1994, 3239 people were killed by lightning strikes (roughly the same number that were killed by terrorists since 1970). In the case of lightning-related deaths, we simply increased education about lightning safety, and as a result, the number of people killed by lightning was halved. But in the case of terrorism-related deaths, we went absolutely nuts, ripped up our constitution and preemptively invaded foreign countries that had nothing to do with 9/11.
Do you feel any safer?
“Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn’t.” – Seth Meyers
“A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone.”– Bill Maher
“So… 44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are fucking nuts, you’d be off by 7 percent.” – Bill Maher
“The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as ‘rabidly un-American’ and still calls the Civil War the ‘War of Northern Aggression.’ He’s known around the NRA as ‘Reasonable Jim’.” – Seth Meyers
“70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is having their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city’s hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises.” – Bill Maher
“You people sound like you’re all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves.” – Jay Leno
“Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it ‘Fucking Obama. Always undoing George Bush’s greatest accomplishments.'” – Bill Maher
“Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he’s getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say ‘if you see something, say something’, they don’t mean TO the terrorist.” – Seth Meyers
“There’s a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.” – Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, ‘Uh, I’m president, aren’t I?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.” – Conan O’Brien
“That’s right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they’re just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.” – Conan O’Brien
“Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event— ‘Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama is in Mexico. He’ll be on hand to celebrate Mexico’s economic successes over the last few years. See, that’s how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country.” – Jay Leno
“While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they’ve got it down. That’s like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage.” – Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.” – Jay Leno
“A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out.” – Stephen Colbert
“Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his underpants.” – David Letterman
“Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She’s getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn’t that insider dating?” – David Letterman
“The other day, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder surgery, for an injury he received after falling off his bike. Fox News reports the accident happened when the Justice drifted a little too far to the left.” – Conan O’Brien
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