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Late Night Political Humor

“The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic.” – Craig Ferguson

“Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church’s image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he’s out to crush the Rebel Alliance.” – Stephen Colbert

“New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don’t know. It’s hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit.” – David Letterman

“John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman

“During his trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel’s relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel’s relationship with pork.” – Conan O’Brien

“There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God’s punishment for man’s moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise.” – Stephen Colbert

“The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don’t even work six months a year for the government.” – David Letterman

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White House Accidentally Orders Drone Strike on Fox News Headquarters

[excerpted from Free Wood Post]

On Thursday, at approximately 2:37 AM, members of the Joint Chiefs alerted President Obama that the Drone Strike System or DSS had activated and that several fully armed drones had been sent to deal with an “immediate threat to national security”. The President, realizing the system’s mistake was able to abort the attack just seconds before missiles would have destroyed the headquarters for the conservative media outlet.

Surprisingly, the strike was not the fault of a programming error. The DSS monitors more than 10,000 specific threat characteristics to determine if an immediate response is necessary. If the system deems that the threat is imminent and that immediate action is vital to protect the nation, it will preemptively launch a strike. “DSS worked the way it was supposed to”, states Chief Engineer Chip Boolean. “Fox hit over 90% of the key threat characteristics created by the Department of Defense.” Some of the threat characteristics picked up by the system included direct threats to the President of the United States, supporting hate groupsperpetuating racism and spreading untruthful propaganda to facilitate public disharmony. Concluded Boolean, “Once Fox hit 9,000 of the 10,000 threat characteristics, the system engaged. Fox News runs 24-hours a day so, DSS saw the threat as imminent and acted accordingly. I would like to clarify that contrary to speculation, one of the threat characteristics was not the canceling of Joss Whedon’s brilliant TV show Firefly in 2002.”

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Late Night Political Humor

“There’s a big controversy with the History Channel’s mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn’t the first time the president’s been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new.” – Jay Leno

“The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Congresswoman Michele ‘Nutball’ Bachmann back in the news. She has attacked what she calls the Obamas’ lavish White House lifestyle. She says they spend too much money on perks and things like a dog walker. That turns out to be totally not true. The Obamas do not pay someone to walk their dog. Joe Biden does that job every day for free.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level.” – Jay Leno

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What would we do without conservatives?

A lot. Want proof? Just look to California.

People like to think of California as uber liberal, but it really isn’t. After all, it is the home of Orange county (one of the most conservative places in the US), was the state of Reagan and Nixon, the birthplace of modern religious conservatism, and it fired the first salvo of the state tax revolts when it capped property taxes.

As everyone’s favorite Nobel winning economist points out, it was California’s conservatives who brought the state to its economic knees, all the while blaming it on those darn liberals. For example:

A dozen years ago, the state was supposedly doomed by all its environmentalists. You see, the eco-freaks were blocking power plants, and the result was crippling blackouts and soaring power prices. “The country’s showcase state,” gloated The Wall Street Journal, “has come to look like a hapless banana republic.”

But a funny thing happened on the road to collapse: it turned out that the main culprit in the electricity crisis was deregulation, which opened the door for ruthless market manipulation. When the market manipulation went away, so did the blackouts.

But now, things are changing.

California isn’t a state in which liberals have run wild; it’s a state where a liberal majority has been effectively hamstrung by a fanatical conservative minority that, thanks to supermajority rules, has been able to block effective policy-making.

And that’s where things get really interesting — because the era of hamstrung government seems to be coming to an end.

The increasingly out-of-touch state Republican party has shrunk to the point where it now could be drowned in its own bathtub, removing their ability to block the Democrats from actually, you know, governing. As a result, the recently close-to-bankrupt state is now running a budget surplus. Infrastructure spending is up.

If things keep going well, this could look really bad for the Republican party in general, which has become not much more than knee-jerk obstructionists. One can only hope that maybe voters will be able to figure this out at the national level.

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States’ Rights or States Wrong?

Jim Morin
© Jim Morin

It will be interesting to see how the Supreme Court deals with the constitutionality of California’s Prop 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act. After all, if the definition of marriage is up to the states, then how can DOMA — which defined marriage at the federal level for the first time — be valid?

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it’s been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During his visit to Israel today, President Obama’s limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: ‘Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, ‘That’s your Plan A?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do ‘Jurassic Park’-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there’s hope for NBC. It could turn around.” – Jay Leno

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Deus ex Machina

The Week has an interesting article explaining why top Republicans are actually hoping the Supreme Court rules in favor of same-sex marriage. Gay marriage has become a huge political liability for Republicans, but they can’t support it without angering their base. So it would be a huge favor to them if the Supreme Court makes the issue moot for them.

Ironically, I think the Westboro Baptist Church has been one of the major reasons Americans now overwhelmingly support same-sex marriage. They turned gays into victims and underdogs, and defending gays into a national cause.

God works in mysterious ways.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course.” – David Letterman

“The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers.” – David Letterman

“Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.” – Jay Leno

“She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings.” – Jay Leno

“The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: ‘You can do that?'” – Jay Leno

“Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.” – Jay Leno

“Last night on ‘The Tonight Show,’ during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives ‘snakes.’ The response came quickly. ‘Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far,’ responded the snakes.” – Craig Ferguson

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Late Night Political Humor

“Have you been watching ‘The Bible’? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, ‘If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.'” – David Letterman

“The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s ‘The Bible’ looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, ‘How can you do that to Satan?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Michelle Obama is going to appear on the cover of the April issue of Vogue magazine. And also look for President Obama next month on the cover of The Economist. It’s their annual April Fools issue.” – Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton came out today in support of gay marriage. Now she faces her greatest challenge yet – getting her husband to support straight marriage.” – Craig Ferguson

“To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water.” – Jay Leno

“You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives.” – Jay Leno

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Green or Brown

Matt Wuerker
© Matt Wuerker

I can’t think of a single reason why we shouldn’t stop subsidizing oil production in this country. Even if we don’t pour money into alternative, sustainable energy, if we stop subsidizing fossil fuels then I believe that the market would create plenty of increased demand for alternatives. In fact, as I’ve said before, we should increase taxes on products that pollute and which use non-renewable resources.

Seriously, I don’t even care if gasoline prices go through the roof. If it creates the incentives that result in the development of batteries that can store enough energy to power a car for 500 miles (and can be recharged in minutes), then who cares about the cost of gas? And solar cells that cost one-tenth of today’s models, then who cares about the cost of coal?

UPDATE: The IMF agrees with me.

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Late Night Political Humor

“We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce.” – David Letterman

“You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don’t have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads.” – Jay Leno

“Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes.” – David Letterman

“Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night.” – David Letterman

“Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class.” – Bill Maher

“They had a panel discussion at CPAC called ‘Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You’re Not One?’ Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck.” – Bill Maher

“U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone’s computer. It’s called ‘Microsoft Windows’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“New Jersey officials say that one of their state’s landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they’re going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship.” – Jay Leno

“Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won’t try to board them now.” – Jay Leno

“Are you folks excited about St. Patrick’s Day? It’s the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers.” – David Letterman

“Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business.” – Craig Ferguson

“Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC.” – Jay Leno

“Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That’s why she was known as the ‘Egyptian Taylor Swift’.” – Craig Ferguson

“After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar’s cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger.” – Craig Ferguson

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Vacation

I’ll be on the road, so posts might be a bit spotty for two weeks.

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Have Republicans Lost the Culture Wars?

For years, Republicans have energized their base by backing hot-button social and class issues like gay marriage, immigration, gun control, and abortion. So it is interesting to realize how much public opinion has changed on these issues. Is it in spite of Republican opposition and pandering, or perhaps because of it? Welcome to the new culture wars, where progressives are starting to make significant progress and may even get a few big wins.

Let’s start with gay marriage. A few years ago, who would have predicted that this week the Supreme Court would hear arguments that the federal Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Prop 8 are discriminatory? A national poll last week shows that 58% of Americans favor gay marriage, up from 37% just 10 years ago. And politicians have followed. The list of politicians who once were against gay marriage but are now for it includes Barack Obama, both Hillary and Bill Clinton, Senators Claire McCaskill, Jay Rockefeller, and conservative Republican Rob Portman (who recently announced that he had converted because his son is gay), Dick Cheney, and a former Republican National Committee chairman (who is himself gay). And the number of states where gay marriage is legal is increasing.

For immigration, results are mixed. Some states have passed tough anti-immigration laws. But the pro-business faction of the Republican party have long embraced fixing our broken immigration system. Indeed, George W. Bush tried to pass comprehensive immigration reform and failed. And the racist anti-immigration stance of the socially conservative elements of the Republican party has alienated minority voters, who are steadily increasing in numbers. It is unclear if Republicans will be able to win many future elections without embracing some form of immigration reform.

Gun control is a more nuanced issue. Many people (including me) believe that the right to own guns is constitutionally protected. I personally think that the issue of gun control needs to be reframed as an issue of gun safety. Surely even the NRA would not oppose measures that increase gun safety while not limiting the right to own guns. A majority of Americans support the elimination of loopholes that currently allow guns to be purchased without background checks. With the number of gun massacres making national headlines steadily increasing, it is clear that something will eventually be done. I just hope it is the right thing.

Finally, it might appear that abortion rights are the only hot-button social issue where progressives are losing. Indeed, Republicans keep introducing bills that would define that life begins at conception, which would not only make abortion murder, but also many common forms of birth control. But it is important to remember that unlike most other social issues, supporters of abortion rights already won this issue. Abortion is not only legal, it is constitutionally protected. Of course, that doesn’t mean defenders of abortion rights can declare victory and forget about it.

I believe Republicans are cynically using abortion to stir up their base, but don’t actually want to overturn Roe v Wade. Not only would it create a huge backlash from voters if abortion were to suddenly become illegal again, but the GOP realizes that abortion is more valuable as red meat to them as long as it is legal.

Anyway, taken as a whole, the dramatic shift in the culture wars is almost enough to actually make social liberals like me feel good about this country and its leaders.

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The Onion Nails It

http://www.theonion.com/articles/supreme-court-on-gay-marriage-sure-who-cares,31812/

Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and that the court could “care less who marries whom.”

“Yeah, of course gay men and women can get married. Who gives a shit?” said Chief Justice John Roberts, who interrupted attorney Charles Cooper’s opening statement defending Proposition 8, which rescinded same-sex couples’ right to marry in California. “Why are we even seriously discussing this?”

“Does anyone else up here care about this?” Roberts added as his eight colleagues began shaking their heads and saying, “No,” “Nah,” and “I also don’t care about this.” “Great. Same-sex marriage is legal in the United States of America. Do we have anything of actual import on the docket, or are we done for the day?”

UPDATE: The Wall Street Journal (of all places) has a real account of the arguments in front of the Supreme Court today. It is a riveting read.

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How can they be so wrong?

Easy peasy! As long as you’re willing to be wrong for powerful special interests, you’ll never have to worry about having a job. And we have drugs if you can’t sleep at night.

Tom Tomorrow
© Tom Tomorrow

Don’t believe it? Ten years ago, Phil Donahue was fired from MSNBC for speaking out against the war in Iraq. The owners of MSNBC — including General Electric — went on to make piles of money on the war. According to Donahue, he was told that he had to have two conservatives on the show for every liberal.

Television news celebrities are in the business of sales, not journalism. They peddle the ideology of the corporate state. And too many of us are buying.

Even PBS put tremendous pressure on Bill Moyers to toe the line.

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