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You’re A Troll

Wow. This is the first musical rant I think I’ve ever seen!

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Turnabout is Fair Play

AccordingToDevin
© AccordingToDevin

This was sent to me by a friend. I can’t decide if it is funny or what.

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Late Night Political Humor

“The lights are a little dimmer in Crazytown tonight. In the struggle between reality and Michele Bachmann, reality has won. Flags are being flown at half mast at the Laugh Factory. Michele Bachmann is out. Still no word on her husband Marcus.” – Bill Maher

“Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff, her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie’s mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She’s the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad.” – Bill Maher

“Someone again sent the deadly poison Ricin to President Obama through the mail. These dumbasses, do they really think Obama opens his own mail? He doesn’t even know what the IRS and the Justice Departments are doing.” – Bill Maher

“I hate to keep saying that Americans are stupid and lazy. But is there any lamer assassination attempt than sending wannabe poison through the mail? What was Plan B, hoping Chris Christie falls on him?” – Bill Maher

“A simple pot conviction can foreclose on opportunities to vote, get a job, go to college, or qualify for housing. How can our first black President, and our first pothead President, be aware of that, and just look the other way? If anyone can say smoking pot won’t ruin your life, it’s the guy who smoked bales of it, and then became leader of the free world.” – Bill Maher

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Child Welfare

Jen Sorensen
© Jen Sorensen

As Paul Krugman points out, Republicans are again trying to do something that will hurt the economy while punishing the poor for, well, being poor. They are trying to shrink (and ultimately kill) the food stamp program, which is one of the most successful programs ever for making sure people don’t starve, while actually stimulating the economy (each dollar spent on the food stamp program generates $1.70 in economic activity, effectively paying for itself). We have millions to bail out banks who are “too big to fail” but apparently nothing to help workers who have lost their jobs in a down economy (and nothing to stimulate that economy so they can get new jobs).

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Late Night Political Humor

“Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner calls it, ‘an embarrassing photo I can live with’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline on his website instead of Manhattan. And that’s not all, it doesn’t stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his penis? It wasn’t his. It was Brett Favre’s.” – Jay Leno

“A seven-year-old boy from Milwaukee, a kid buy the name of Miles Nelson, wrote a letter to the vice president. He has an interesting solution to our problem with gun violence. Miles wrote, ‘I think guns should shoot out chocolate bullets.’ Believe it or not, the vice president actually wrote Miles back. He wrote, ‘I really like your idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. Happier people love chocolate.’ Do you really want a politician to get behind guns with chocolate bullets? The guy you should be writing to is Chris Christie. He will get this done.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to the Boston Globe, First Lady Michelle Obama and her daughters will stay on Martha’s Vineyard for the summer. You can tell President Obama is getting a little defensive. When a reporter asked him about the trip, he said he had no prior knowledge of the vacation, he just learned about it from the media.” – Jay Leno

“Casual Friday today in the Obama White House. Which means they’re casually going through everyone’s phone records.” – Jay Leno

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Late Night Political Humor

“Time magazine published President Obama’s prom photos. He’s with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn’t illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.” – Jay Leno

“Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would’ve published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn’t want to be photographed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl’s yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?” – Jay Leno

“A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.” – Jay Leno

“It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, ‘Yes, we can’ to ‘No, I can’t remember.'” – Jay Leno

“As you may have heard, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recently had lap band surgery. And some sad news: today the lap band snapped and killed five bystanders.” – Jay Leno

“A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During congressional hearings, Senator John McCain asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that’s OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, ‘What do we have to do?'” – Conan O’Brien

Jimmy Fallon impersonating Anthony Weiner: “Hello, I’m Anthony Weiner, and I’m running for mayor of New York City. This is the greatest city on earth. But for the middle class, things just keep getting harder and harder and harder and harder. Look, we’re in a pickle. A big pickle. Crime is up. Unemployment is rising. Schools are failing, and that’s just the tip. I know I’ve made mistakes in the past, but I’ve grown since then. I’ve grown a lot. If you don’t believe me, look at my latest poll. I may be a lot of things, but I’m not crooked. Trust me. Listen, New York, do you really want to roll the dice on this city’s future? I sure don’t. What I’m trying to say is, I know this race will be long and hard, but all you other candidates better watch out. I may be behind you, but I’m coming. That’s why I’m asking you to pull my lever on erection day. I’m Anthony Weiner, and I paid for this massage.”

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Fond Farewell?

Cartoonists react to the news of Michele Bachmann retiring from Congress:

Stuart Carlson
© Stuart Carlson

Clay Bennett
© Clay Bennett

Chan Lowe
© Chan Lowe

Mike Luckovich
© Mike Luckovich

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Late Night Political Humor

“Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says ‘I put my sleazy past behind me’ like showing a video on the Internet at midnight.” –Conan O’Brien

“During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener.” –Conan O’Brien

“White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.” – Jay Leno

“Everything’s going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama’s trying to turn things around. He’s sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber’s monkey.” – David Letterman

“And if SEAL Team 6 doesn’t work, he’s sending in Dennis Rodman.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.” –Jay Leno

“Weiner said about the city, ‘Nobody will work harder to make it better’. As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was ‘Nobody will work better to make it harder.'” – Jay Leno

“We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That’s like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson’s birthday combined.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It’s resulted in a surge of ‘pot tourism.’ People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it’s 30 years later they’re still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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Bachmann Calls it Quits!

Heck, I leave town for a few days and irony abounds! Michele Bachmann has announced that she will not seek reelection. Will she run for some other office, or is she pulling a Palin?

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The Onion Calls it Quits?

Is this real? http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/05/27/1211908/-The-Onion-Calls-it-Quits

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Late Night Political Humor

“A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack’s failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News.” – Conan O’Brien

“Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, ‘I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.’ And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.” – Jay Leno

“The White House admitted President Obama’s chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.” – Jay Leno

“These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, ‘Anything else you guys aren’t telling me?’ And Joe Biden was like, ‘Uh … I broke the copier’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Singer Mary J. Blige has been slapped with a $3.4 million bill from the IRS. I didn’t even know she was a tea party member.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, ‘Guys, when I said ‘no spoilers’, I was just talking about ‘Game of Thrones’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I feel bad for Barack Obama. He’s got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he’s thinking about killing bin Laden again.” – David Letterman

“President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright – unless, of course, they want jobs.” – Jay Leno

“According to a new survey, white Americans are more likely to see President Obama as angry than black Americans. After hearing about it, Obama got really angry – according to white Americans.” – Conan O’Brien

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called ‘The Toxic Avenger’. He wreaks havoc. He’s a monster. I have no idea what he’ll do in the movie.” – Craig Ferguson

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Late Night Political Humor

“President Obama’s had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four ‘American Idol’ judges.” – David Letterman

“President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.” – Conan O’Brien

It seems like lately, President Obama cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some sort of scandal. Which reminds me, what’s he doing with all of these dead cats?” – Stephen Colbert

“These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.” – Jay Leno

“A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.” – Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, charged that there’s a culture of intimidation throughout the Obama administration. Really, anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can’t even keep Joe Biden in line.” – Jay Leno

“So they spent the last five years claiming President Obama was weak and ineffective. Suddenly he’s Tony Soprano.” – Jay Leno

“During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s been reported that Californians donated almost $600,000 to Chris Christie’s re-election campaign. And by Californians, I mean my monologue writers. They want that guy to stick around.” – Conan O’Brien

“There are reports that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un may have another child with a woman who is not his wife. People say the baby looks just like him – though in fairness, pretty much ALL babies look just like him.” – Jimmy Fallon

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Late Night Political Humor

“IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You’re less popular with Americans than exercise.” – Seth Meyers

“I mean really, the government only keeps you around to make the DMV look good.” – Amy Poehler

“Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said ‘Weed 420,’ I might expect to get pulled over now and then.” – Amy Poehler

“And really, politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing.” – Seth Meyers

“President Obama this week denied that he knew about the inspector general’s report detailing the IRS’s increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America, there’s just a bunch of stuff happening that the president doesn’t know about.” – Seth Meyers

“The President also condemned the IRS for targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny saying, ‘Public service is a solemn privilege’. In response, Joe Biden quietly deflated his whoopee cushion.” – Seth Meyers

“Minnesota this week became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So finally Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its ‘twin’.” – Seth Meyers

“Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.” – Amy Poehler

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Late Night Political Humor

“If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor.” – Bill Maher

“The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, ‘I feel like I’m on Oxycontin again’.” –Bill Maher

“Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that’s there’s three bullshit scandals that we’re in, we are so there. They are so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get eaten by a shark, they wouldn’t report it this week.” – Bill Maher

Doesn’t it matter that these are all bullshit? The Benghazi scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn’t matter because they’re in their bubble. That’s where they live. I thought after the election that the bubble would become more permeable. No, it’s like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery, it just gets thicker.” – Bill Maher

“Today, the oversight committee demanded to know why, on the night of the attack in Benghazi, they did not deploy Iron Man.” – Bill Maher

“Conservative groups told congressmen that they experienced long delays and were asked to answer unusually detailed questions. They said they felt like black people trying to vote in Florida.” –Bill Maher

“New Rule: Stop believing Chris Christie when he says he got lap band surgery for his family. He did it because he wants to be president in 2016, and being that obese is kind of a scandal in itself. He did it because there are skeletons in his closet. Of cows.” – Bill Maher

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Happy Birthday!

Political Irony is five years old this month! Happy Birthday!

I’ll be on vacation for two weeks, camping out in the middle of nowhere (seriously, on an island even!). So posts might be rather, um, infrequent.

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