Political Irony

“Stop buying the hype about North Korea. … Think about it – Monday is tax day. This is why your taxes are so high – because they scare you into giving your money to the Pentagon.” – Bill Maher

“Things are still very tense in North Korea. In fact, world leaders are still waiting to see if Kim Jong-un is going to actually fire a missile after this week’s deadline came and went. Apparently what happened was he messed up and bought Mentos and regular Coke. ” – Jimmy Fallon

“I want Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it’s always a spectacular disaster. He’s the only Asian in the world that doesn’t test well.” – Bill Maher

“John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea’s missiles, but he won’t because that’s a slippery slope from there to gun control.” – Bill Maher

“It’s looking like President Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in, and yesterday Joe Biden said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, ‘Stop helping’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, ‘What is the least we can do?'” – Bill Maher

“Sixty eight senators want to move forward on background checks, and 31 – all of them Republicans – say no, that is the death of freedom. They are sticking with the principle that asking for any kind of ID would be a horrible violation of the Constitution… unless it keeps black people from voting. Then, it is a fantastic idea.” – Bill Maher

“Congressman Jeff Duncan today said background checks could lead to a national gun database, which would lead to genocide like in Rwanda when the Hutus slaughtered the Tutsis. See, this is why we should not get our hopes up for a gun control bill. It’s like talking about fire safety with a pyromaniac.” – Bill Maher

“Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: ‘If babies had guns, they wouldn’t be aborted.’ What a great way for Republicans to win back women: ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if your cooch had a gun in it?” – Bill Maher

“Paul Ryan said today, ‘We don’t want a country where abortion is simply outlawed, we want a country where it isn’t even considered.’ Really, Paul? That’s not what your mom told me.” – Bill Maher

“These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah’s Ark as evidence that global warming doesn’t exist. He said, ‘If you’re a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn’t because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.’ Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome.” – Bill Maher

“A college in North Carolina had a lockdown all day today because someone saw an armed man on campus. Students were told to stay inside, lock your doors, crawl under your bed, and enjoy your freedom.” – Bill Maher

“According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, ‘Si.'” – Jay Leno

“Anthony Weiner is making a comeback. He is tan, flaccid and ready. He wants to come back and maybe be the mayor of New York. There are only two things standing in his way: an unforgiving public and Instagram.” – Bill Maher

“Because of budget cuts, the Navy may have to cancel Fleet Week, where thousands of sailors dock in New York City. Of course if you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Margaret Thatcher died on Monday. Sarah Palin was very sad about her passing, but at least now she said Charles can be king.” – Bill Maher

“Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything.” – Jay Leno

“On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It’s being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for Ronald Reagan.” – Jay Leno

“A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to President Obama asking him to ease the nation’s drug enforcement policy. Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug laws – it’s always the people you least expect.” – Jay Leno

“The South Korean pop star Psy of ‘Gangnam Style’ fame just announced that he’ll release a new song tomorrow. As soon as they heard, North Korea said, ‘Now they’re really asking for it’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyber attack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try guys. You’re five years too late.” – Jay Leno

“Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It’s true. That thing on his head is pregnant.” – Craig Ferguson

“After withdrawing from public life Anthony Weiner is ready to stick it back in. Folks, that takes balls. Sadly, we know he has them.” – Stephen Colbert

“Former Congressman Anthony Weiner said that he’s considering running for mayor of New York City. If nothing else I’m sure that he’ll provide some stiff competition.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I, for one, think Weiner would be a great New York City mayor. For one thing, we wouldn’t have to worry about a soda ban because we’ve all seen that he puts more than 16 ounces in his cup.” – Stephen Colbert

“Former Rep. Anthony Weiner? Remember him? He famously tweeted lewd photos of himself. He says he wants people to give him a second chance. Not in politics, but on Instagram.” – Conan O’Brien

“Come on, he’s the total package. I don’t want to be too hard on him. I don’t have a bone to pick with that guy.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner, remember him? The Peter Tweeter? He’s now thinking of running for mayor of New York. And believe me, he has thought long and hard about this.” – Jay Leno

“I believe the time is right. Anthony Wiener is a changed man. His own brother gave The New York Times this moving testimonial: ‘There was definitely a douchiness about him I don’t see anymore’. I think his mayoral campaign just found his slogan: ‘Anthony Weiner, now less douchey’.” – Stephen Colbert

“That reduction, that lowering in the douchey level, has not come easy. As Weiner’s brother pointed out, ‘No one has been harder on him than he has been on him than he has been on himself.’ And we all know how hard he can be on himself.” – Stephen Colbert

“The Wall Street Journal said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!” – Jay Leno

“It’s starting to get serious – China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, ‘Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.'” – Jay Leno

“South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a medium-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate.” – Jay Leno

“Why do I feel like this whole thing could be solved by sending Kim Jong Un a Disneyland pass?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Finally, after months of wrangling, President Obama has unveiled his highly anticipated 2014 budget. And apparently neither Democrats nor Republicans are happy with it. Then Obama said, ‘Yeah, that’s how you know it’s good.'” – Jimmy Fallon