Political Irony

“The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.” – Jay Leno

“The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn’t keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, ‘Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts’.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the First Amendment.” – Jay Leno

“Last night at a fundraiser in Washington, First Lady Michele Obama got into a heated face-to face confrontation with a heckler who turned out to be a lesbian. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said this story just keeps on getting hotter and hotter.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to CNN, former Sen. John Edwards is planning to open up a new law firm. John Edwards going back to work as an attorney. I guess he figured he was lying so much anyway, he might as well start getting paid for it.” – Jay Leno

“More problems for the IRS. Isn’t that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else’s life miserable? Start with that!” – Jay Leno

“We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. They’ve been taking their tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, ‘Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can’t enjoy yourselves, if you can’t every now and then pat yourself on the back?'” – David Letterman

“IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, ‘I’m going to stay, and I want my money.’ And you wonder why we’re $16 trillion in debt.” – Jay Leno

“A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to ‘be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Mayor Bloomberg now says he’s outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings – all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You’re going to do hard time.” – David Letterman

“Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, ‘Yes. I mean, no’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay?” – Jay Leno

“This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, ‘I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What’s next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?” – Jay Leno

“During his trip to Brazil on Friday, Joe Biden said he was having such a good time that he didn’t want to go home. And that was just while he was riding on the baggage carousel at the airport.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new report says that Donald Trump has spent one million dollars trying to figure out if he should run for president in 2016. Experts are already calling it the World Most Expensive ‘No’.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new study just came out. It found that KFC sells 25 pieces of fried chicken a second. Yes. It was 50 pieces a second, but then Chris Christie had his stomach stapled.” – Conan O’Brien

“This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.” – Jay Leno

“In Pakistan, the Taliban’s No. 2 man has been killed by an American drone. In a related story, today the Taliban’s No. 3 man said he’s stepping down to spend more time with his family.” – Jay Leno

“The Supreme Court ruled that police have the right to take DNA samples. Every time there’s new technology in law enforcement, people get uneasy. I’m sure people were against fingerprinting when it started in the late 1800s. I’ll have to ask Larry King. He was probably around then.” – Craig Ferguson

© AccordingToDevin

This was sent to me by a friend. I can’t decide if it is funny or what.

“Time magazine published President Obama’s prom photos. He’s with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn’t illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.” – Jay Leno

“Time magazine just released a picture of a 17-year-old President Obama with his prom date. They would’ve published a picture of Joe Biden with his prom date, but his mom didn’t want to be photographed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s coming out that in high school, President Obama signed a girl’s yearbook by calling her sweet and foxy. Of course, now he calls her Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?” – Jay Leno

“A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.” – Jay Leno

“It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, ‘Yes, we can’ to ‘No, I can’t remember.'” – Jay Leno

“As you may have heard, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie recently had lap band surgery. And some sad news: today the lap band snapped and killed five bystanders.” – Jay Leno

“A woman in New Jersey just found her missing dog after she grilled pork in her backyard and he came home because of the smell. Unfortunately, he was immediately shoved out of the way by Governor Chris Christie.” – Jimmy Fallon

“During congressional hearings, Senator John McCain asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why the apps always need to be updated. McCain also wanted to know how often he should feed Siri.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that’s OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, ‘What do we have to do?'” – Conan O’Brien

Jimmy Fallon impersonating Anthony Weiner: “Hello, I’m Anthony Weiner, and I’m running for mayor of New York City. This is the greatest city on earth. But for the middle class, things just keep getting harder and harder and harder and harder. Look, we’re in a pickle. A big pickle. Crime is up. Unemployment is rising. Schools are failing, and that’s just the tip. I know I’ve made mistakes in the past, but I’ve grown since then. I’ve grown a lot. If you don’t believe me, look at my latest poll. I may be a lot of things, but I’m not crooked. Trust me. Listen, New York, do you really want to roll the dice on this city’s future? I sure don’t. What I’m trying to say is, I know this race will be long and hard, but all you other candidates better watch out. I may be behind you, but I’m coming. That’s why I’m asking you to pull my lever on erection day. I’m Anthony Weiner, and I paid for this massage.”