Political Irony

[Believe it or not, this is the 1000th posting of Late Night Political Humor! – iron knee]

“Obama decided we’re going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain’s bad ideas.” – Bill Maher

“The great news about getting into another war in the Middle East is that the next one’s free.” – Bill Maher

“Syrian President Assad crossed a red line. He used chemical weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?” – Bill Maher

“The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there.” – Jay Leno

“The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-yer-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend?” – Bill Maher

“Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old guy behind this NSA spy scandal, said in an interview that he is not in hiding. Which would have carried a lot more weight if he hadn’t made the announcement from an undisclosed secret location.” – Jay Leno

“This is the same surveillance that was happening under Bush, but under Obama it’s somehow a huge outrage on the right. Republicans didn’t care about Big Brother until we elected a big brotha.” – Bill Maher

“The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he’s a hero. This is the Republicans’ worst nightmare. They don’t know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It’s like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion.” – Bill Maher

“Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel ‘1984’ have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, ‘1984’ shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.” – Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton has been acting weird lately. I don’t know why, but it started the day Michael Douglas said you can get cancer from cunnilingus.” – Bill Maher

“Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it’s got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It’s mostly for security, hotel accommodations – plus Biden wants a giraffe.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night the Democrats beat Republicans 22-0 in the Congressional Baseball Game. Yeah, the Republicans were so bad at baseball, that today they’re starting to rethink immigration.” – Jimmy Fallon

© Brian McFadden

But remember, if WMDs are outlawed, only outlaws will have WMDs. How will we defend ourselves?

“Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book ‘1984’ have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It’s making Americans read.” – Conan O’Brien

“Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, ‘You can do that, really?'” – David Letterman

“So far, it’s a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive.” – David Letterman

“There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? ‘Honey, I’m not looking at her breasts. I’m working for Homeland Security’.” – Jay Leno

“Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you’ll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.” – Conan O’Brien

“Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues.” – Conan O’Brien

“We have New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and chef Mario Batali on the show tonight. It’s great to have a guest who’s so passionate about food. And it’s an honor to have Mario Batali here as well.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Big breaking news about something we’ve known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, ‘The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife’.” – Bill Maher

“The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.” – Jay Leno

“The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They’re like, ‘When we said the president could do whatever the fuck he wanted, we didn’t mean a black guy’.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, ‘Why, so you can read our emails faster?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?” – Jay Leno

“Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not eat the fries on the way home.” – Bill Maher

“President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about.” – Jay Leno

“Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she’s tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, ‘If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone’.” – Bill Maher

“The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues.” – Jay Leno

“If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, ‘We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, Putin and his wife made their announcement after they attended the ballet. That’s weird because most guys would want to break up with you before they had to go to a ballet.” – Jimmy Fallon

“As part of a senior prank, students at a high school in Washington spray-painted all over their school, but they actually misspelled the word ‘senior’ twice. That probably explains why they didn’t get into ‘collage’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, ‘You hang up first’. Then my wife said, ‘No, YOU hang up first!’ Then Obama said, ‘Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, ‘The friends and family and Obama plan’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon’s new ad campaign: ‘They can hear you now’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.” – Jay Leno

“The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It’s a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama’s IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, ‘rough week, huh?'” – Craig Ferguson

“A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here’s the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.” – Jay Leno

“Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn’t either. Sometimes it just happens.” – Jay Leno