Political Irony

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He’s in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn’t watching was him?” – Jay Leno

“No one knows exactly where NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is hiding at the moment. He released a statement that says, ‘No one will find me unless some big-mouth jerk starts blabbing’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it’s spying on you.” – Jay Leno

“In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.” – Jay Leno

“In an interview, Pat Buchanan predicted that the inflow of Hispanics from the immigration bill will break the U.S. into two countries with different cultures and different languages. Of course, as a resident of Los Angeles, I can’t imagine what that would be like.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama spoke was in Germany and spoke at the Brandenburg Gate, which divided that city during the Cold War. Obama said it’s taught me a lot. When I was a kid, West Germany taught me the importance of standing tall, and East Germany taught me the importance of reading everyone’s mail.” – Bill Maher

“At the Berlin Wall, Obama said no wall can stand against the people’s yearning for freedom that burns in our heart – except for the one we’re going to build on the Mexican border.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there’s one thing Romney’s campaign manager is good at, it’s stopping someone from becoming president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I challenge The Onion to come up with a headline, in their brilliant but crazy worldview, that is more weird than the real one: ‘Republican Congressman Believes in Masturbating Fetuses‘.” – Bill Maher

“Over in the Senate, they found a way to get Republicans on board with immigration reform. They’re going to militarize the border. They’re going to build a border surge. … Sounds like something you eat at Taco Bell. Or something that happens after you eat at Taco Bell.” – Bill Maher

“We’re going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will.” – Bill Maher

“I kid the Republicans, but whether it is border security or gun rights or gay issues, they always have the same fear — someone coming in the back door.” – Bill Maher

“What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network.” – Jay Leno

“Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin’s pocket. That is how bad it was.” – Jay Leno

“The American Medical Association declared obesity a disease. People are already taking advantage of this; they’re calling in sick with a case of the fats.” – Bill Maher

“Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The on-deck circle was a drum circle.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see the pictures of Obama and Putin at the G-8 summit? It was like Thanksgiving with your relatives.” – David Letterman

“See, the problem there is they have nothing to say to one another because they’ve been bugging each other’s phones.” – David Letterman

“Are you aware of the fact that Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from the owner of the Patriots? Listen to this: Today he stole Ricki Lake’s daytime Emmy. The guy’s whacko.” – David Letterman

“Bad day on Wall Street – the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn’t have come back home. I knew this was going to happen.” – Jay Leno

“During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That’s a programming reminder from the White House.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI’s Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.” – Jay Leno

“Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana have been sentenced to 20 months in jail for tax evasion. Their lawyers are appealing the sentence while Dolce & Gabbana are appealing the prison uniform. Orange is so last year.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right. Dolce & Gabbana were convicted of tax evasion. It didn’t help when the judge asked how they pled, and they were like ‘Fabulous?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was in Germany today and made a historic speech. The reason Obama is in Germany is to promote democracy and to rescue Justin Bieber’s monkey.” – David Letterman

“Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo.” – David Letterman

“During the cold war, West Berlin was an ‘exclave’ – a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven’t seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama’s approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in more than a year and a half. But Obama is vowing to find out whose approval he’s lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back.” – Jay Leno

“This spying scandal at the White House isn’t going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn’t made a phone call since 1975.” – Jay Leno

“Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran’s economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to blame the whole thing on President Bush.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia’s nuclear arsenal. But it’s not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends.” – Craig Ferguson

“NASA is challenging Americans to help them figure out a better way to find threatening asteroids. Americans said, ‘What do we get if you pick our idea?’ And NASA said, ‘To live’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit to ‘going through the motions’ at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This story comes up about twice a year. They think they have located the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the former Teamsters union leader, after 40 years of being dead. Nothing on the NSA whistle-blower, but we think we know where Jimmy Hoffa is.” – David Letterman

“The Senate’s new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it’s approved, while some senators are saying that’s the point.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. That doesn’t sound like an immigration bill. That sounds like a menu at The Cheesecake Factory.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!” – Jay Leno

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made ‘Death to America’ a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn’t believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America.” – David Letterman

“This Rohani guy has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century.” – David Letterman