Political Irony

“Senator Tom Coburn has introduced a new gun background check plan that would allow people to perform self-background checks before buying a gun. The way the plan works is, it doesn’t.” – Seth Meyers

“A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone.”– Bill Maher

“So… 44 percent of Republicans think an armed rebellion might be necessary in the next few years. So if you say most Republicans are fucking nuts, you’d be off by 7 percent.” – Bill Maher

“The NRA this week elected a new president, choosing Alabama lawyer Jim Porter who recently referred to Attorney General Eric Holder as ‘rabidly un-American’ and still calls the Civil War the ‘War of Northern Aggression.’ He’s known around the NRA as ‘Reasonable Jim’.” – Seth Meyers

“70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is having their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city’s hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises.” – Bill Maher

“You people sound like you’re all ready for Cinco de Mayo. I hate it when every holiday gets so politicized. Like today, the NRA said piñatas should be allowed to carry guns to defend themselves.” – Jay Leno

“Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it ‘Fucking Obama. Always undoing George Bush’s greatest accomplishments.'” – Bill Maher

“Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he’s getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev’s picture was first made public, one of his college friends who was arrested on Wednesday texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say ‘if you see something, say something’, they don’t mean TO the terrorist.” – Seth Meyers

“There’s a new summer camp for adults where using cellphones and computers is banned. The camp has an interesting name: North Korea.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, ‘Uh, I’m president, aren’t I?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.” – Conan O’Brien

“That’s right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they’re just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.” – Conan O’Brien

“Russia has announced that, for the 2014 Olympics, it will send the Olympic torch up to the International Space Station. They’ve also announced a new Olympic Event— ‘Watching Six Astronauts Have All Their Oxygen Used Up By a Burning Torch.'” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is in Mexico. He’ll be on hand to celebrate Mexico’s economic successes over the last few years. See, that’s how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country.” – Jay Leno

“While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they’ve got it down. That’s like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage.” – Jay Leno

“Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president – and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.” – Jay Leno

“A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out.” – Stephen Colbert

“Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his underpants.” – David Letterman

“Martha Stewart signs with Match.com to find her Mr. Right. She’s getting tips from the CEO there. Wait, isn’t that insider dating?” – David Letterman

“The other day, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder surgery, for an injury he received after falling off his bike. Fox News reports the accident happened when the Justice drifted a little too far to the left.” – Conan O’Brien

“An elementary school here in New York City has become the first school in the country to serve only vegetarian food. Apparently the school board wants to give kids a head start in being difficult at restaurants.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right. A school is serving only vegetarian foods, like tofu. Now when bullies say, ‘Give me your lunch money’, students are like, ‘Here, take it’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars.” – Conan O’Brien

“The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV.” – Jimmy Fallon

“So they’re handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth?” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian.” – David Letterman

“Vice President Joe Biden’s plane is apparently stuck in Arizona because of problems with its engine. Officials say they’re trying to fix it as fast as they can. But Obama was like, ‘No rush’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan – including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards.” – Jay Leno

“Researchers now believe the first settlers who settled in America, in Jamestown, resorted to cannibalism. The first settlers ate each other. Good thing that didn’t catch on. That would have changed Thanksgiving, don’t you think?” – Jay Leno