Political Irony

“Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The on-deck circle was a drum circle.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see the pictures of Obama and Putin at the G-8 summit? It was like Thanksgiving with your relatives.” – David Letterman

“See, the problem there is they have nothing to say to one another because they’ve been bugging each other’s phones.” – David Letterman

“Are you aware of the fact that Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from the owner of the Patriots? Listen to this: Today he stole Ricki Lake’s daytime Emmy. The guy’s whacko.” – David Letterman

“Bad day on Wall Street – the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn’t have come back home. I knew this was going to happen.” – Jay Leno

“During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That’s a programming reminder from the White House.” – David Letterman

“Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI’s Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.” – Jay Leno

“Fashion designers Dolce & Gabbana have been sentenced to 20 months in jail for tax evasion. Their lawyers are appealing the sentence while Dolce & Gabbana are appealing the prison uniform. Orange is so last year.” – Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right. Dolce & Gabbana were convicted of tax evasion. It didn’t help when the judge asked how they pled, and they were like ‘Fabulous?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Obama was in Germany today and made a historic speech. The reason Obama is in Germany is to promote democracy and to rescue Justin Bieber’s monkey.” – David Letterman

“Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo.” – David Letterman

“During the cold war, West Berlin was an ‘exclave’ – a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven’t seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama’s approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in more than a year and a half. But Obama is vowing to find out whose approval he’s lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back.” – Jay Leno

“This spying scandal at the White House isn’t going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn’t made a phone call since 1975.” – Jay Leno

“Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran’s economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to blame the whole thing on President Bush.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia’s nuclear arsenal. But it’s not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends.” – Craig Ferguson

“NASA is challenging Americans to help them figure out a better way to find threatening asteroids. Americans said, ‘What do we get if you pick our idea?’ And NASA said, ‘To live’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit to ‘going through the motions’ at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This story comes up about twice a year. They think they have located the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the former Teamsters union leader, after 40 years of being dead. Nothing on the NSA whistle-blower, but we think we know where Jimmy Hoffa is.” – David Letterman

“The Senate’s new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it’s approved, while some senators are saying that’s the point.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. That doesn’t sound like an immigration bill. That sounds like a menu at The Cheesecake Factory.” – Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!” – Jay Leno

“Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made ‘Death to America’ a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn’t believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America.” – David Letterman

“This Rohani guy has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century.” – David Letterman

[Believe it or not, this is the 1000th posting of Late Night Political Humor! – iron knee]

“Obama decided we’re going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain’s bad ideas.” – Bill Maher

“The great news about getting into another war in the Middle East is that the next one’s free.” – Bill Maher

“Syrian President Assad crossed a red line. He used chemical weapons. Using harmful chemicals to hurt your own people – who does he think he is, Monsanto?” – Bill Maher

“The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there.” – Jay Leno

“The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-yer-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend?” – Bill Maher

“Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old guy behind this NSA spy scandal, said in an interview that he is not in hiding. Which would have carried a lot more weight if he hadn’t made the announcement from an undisclosed secret location.” – Jay Leno

“This is the same surveillance that was happening under Bush, but under Obama it’s somehow a huge outrage on the right. Republicans didn’t care about Big Brother until we elected a big brotha.” – Bill Maher

“The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he’s a hero. This is the Republicans’ worst nightmare. They don’t know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It’s like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion.” – Bill Maher

“Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel ‘1984’ have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, ‘1984’ shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.” – Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton has been acting weird lately. I don’t know why, but it started the day Michael Douglas said you can get cancer from cunnilingus.” – Bill Maher

“Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it’s got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It’s mostly for security, hotel accommodations – plus Biden wants a giraffe.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Last night the Democrats beat Republicans 22-0 in the Congressional Baseball Game. Yeah, the Republicans were so bad at baseball, that today they’re starting to rethink immigration.” – Jimmy Fallon