Political Irony

“People in Florida are pretty worried about the Zimmerman acquittal. They’re trying so hard to get black people to stay in their homes, it looks like election day down there.” – Bill Maher

“Their defense is that George Zimmerman is weak and stupid. That’s their whole defense, that’s such a pussy that in a fight a gun was his only chance. They put an expert on the stand that said he was an out of shape doughy loser than was completely inept at self defense – just the kind of guy you want to have on your neighborhood watch.” – Bill Maher

“And then the other day in the summation, the defense lawyer said George Zimmerman had nothing put ‘pure unadulterated innocence’. That’s right, he played the ‘my client is a moron card’. I know we can’t talk about race in this trial, but now we have to have code words for idiot? ‘If his pants are full of shit, you must acquit’.” – Bill Maher

“If we’re going to leave with one lesson from this whole assorted affair it’s to leave police work to the actual police. They’re the ones who are trained in shooting unarmed black kids.” – Bill Maher

“Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there’s one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it’s hire people on Craigslist.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Sarah Palin said she may run for the Senate. She said being a U.S. senator is job she’s always dreamed of resigning from.” – Bill Maher

Down in Texas Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said looked around and he said ‘I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortion to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.’ I think that’s what he said, he was chewing a crayon.” – Bill Maher

“The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong.” – Jay Leno

“Edward Snowden is seeking temporary asylum in Russia, because you know when you’re tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin’s Russia is definitely the place you want to go.” – Bill Maher

“Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, ‘What’s it like being the most powerful person in the world?’ And Obama was like, ‘I dunno. Ask Beyonce’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you’re taking it in brownie form.” – Jay Leno

“According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.” – Jay Leno

“America has lost the title of the fattest nation on earth. We are now only the second-fattest nation. We lost the title to Mexico. Isn’t that amazing? We are so fat and lazy now that we’re too fat and lazy to be number one at being fat and lazy.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama’s approval rating is down to 44 percent. You can tell Obama’s getting desperate because today he gave a speech entitled ‘Hey, guys, the Twinkie is coming back next week’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Now that marijuana is legal in the state of Colorado, in Denver they’re talking about taxing it up to 35 percent. Suddenly those drug cartels don’t seem so greedy anymore, do they?” – Jay Leno

“Residents of northeast Colorado, which is much more rural than the rest of the state, don’t think they’re properly represented so they want to break the state into two pieces. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana. Everyone gets all paranoid and tries to secede.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“The idea is to divide Colorado into two states, and they want to call the new state North Colorado. If you’re going to go to the trouble of creating a new state, give it a cool name like ‘Danger Zone’, or ‘Colorado 2: The Reckoning’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“They have about as much chance of seceding from Colorado as Chuck-E has to secede from Cheese.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Political experts say that Eliot Spitzer’s decision to return to politics could hurt Anthony Weiner’s chances of becoming mayor. Or as Spitzer put it, ‘See? I’m making things better already.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Supreme Court struck down the part of the Voting Rights Act which protected minority voting in areas where it needed to be protected. Their reasoning is that we don’t need it anymore. Racism is basically over in America, so let’s get back to talking about Trayvon Martin and Paula Deen.” – Bill Maher

“The Supreme Court has ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Here in West Hollywood, the gay community was out in the streets kissing each other, they went dancing, they closed up traffic. And then they heard about the ruling.” – Bill Maher

“Not everyone is taking advantage of the new law. John McCain and Lindsay Graham announced today that they’re going to continue living secret lives of quiet desperation.” – Bill Maher

“Christian conservatives are furious about this. This has made them defensive. They say they are not bigots because they’re against gay marriage. Now they say they’re being bullied, demonized, and discriminated against. Yeah, how’s that feel?” – Bill Maher

“The asshole douchebag who runs Chick-Fil-A tweeted his disgust about the ruling. He said it was a sad day for the nation. Because gay sex is just icky. He said if you want something disgusting and unnatural lodged in your colon, it better be one of his sandwiches.” – Bill Maher

“Texas state Senator Wendy Davis singlehandedly stopped a draconian abortion bill from getting passed in the Texas state legislature, stood up there filibustering for 12 hours. So I guess Todd Akin was right – women can shut that whole thing down.” – Bill Maher

“That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito.” – Bill Maher