Political Irony

“The Supreme Court struck down the part of the Voting Rights Act which protected minority voting in areas where it needed to be protected. Their reasoning is that we don’t need it anymore. Racism is basically over in America, so let’s get back to talking about Trayvon Martin and Paula Deen.” – Bill Maher

“The Supreme Court has ruled that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Here in West Hollywood, the gay community was out in the streets kissing each other, they went dancing, they closed up traffic. And then they heard about the ruling.” – Bill Maher

“Not everyone is taking advantage of the new law. John McCain and Lindsay Graham announced today that they’re going to continue living secret lives of quiet desperation.” – Bill Maher

“Christian conservatives are furious about this. This has made them defensive. They say they are not bigots because they’re against gay marriage. Now they say they’re being bullied, demonized, and discriminated against. Yeah, how’s that feel?” – Bill Maher

“The asshole douchebag who runs Chick-Fil-A tweeted his disgust about the ruling. He said it was a sad day for the nation. Because gay sex is just icky. He said if you want something disgusting and unnatural lodged in your colon, it better be one of his sandwiches.” – Bill Maher

“Texas state Senator Wendy Davis singlehandedly stopped a draconian abortion bill from getting passed in the Texas state legislature, stood up there filibustering for 12 hours. So I guess Todd Akin was right – women can shut that whole thing down.” – Bill Maher

“That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito.” – Bill Maher

“The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don’t need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You’re allowed three, and after that, you’re done.” – Jay Leno

“The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Once someone explains this to me I’m sure I’ll be thrilled about it. Listen to what happened. Earlier today, Rush Limbaugh’s head exploded.” – David Letterman

“If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that’s bicameral. It’s a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation.” – Stephen Colbert

“Until this morning, marriage in the united states was defined as a contract between one man, one woman and the producers of The Bachelor.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Same-sex married couples are now entitled to the same benefits as other married couples. That’s great news for the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Batman and Robin, Abercrombie and Fitch, Ben and Jerry, me and Paul.” – David Letterman

“Bill Clinton hailed the court’s decision today, even though he signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law. But in fairness to Clinton, he didn’t totally understand the law. When he signed the bill, he thought the Defense of Marriage Act was defending marriage as though it was really just an act.” – Jay Leno

“The next issue for the Supreme Court is defense of a Kardashian marriage.” – David Letterman

“In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor’s race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it’s due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name.” – Conan O’Brien

“According to the polls, Anthony Weiner is the favorite to become the next mayor of New York City. How many of you have seen the Weiner poll? Anthony Weiner is out front. Isn’t that what got him into trouble in the first place? It’ll be a long campaign. All the guy has to do is stick it out. I hope the guy doesn’t get cocky. Weiner has a firm lead and his popularity is swelling.” – David Letterman

“The term ‘Big Brother’ is from George Orwell’s book ‘1984’ – where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn’t that more like ‘Creepy Uncle’?” – Craig Ferguson

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He’s in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn’t watching was him?” – Jay Leno

“No one knows exactly where NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is hiding at the moment. He released a statement that says, ‘No one will find me unless some big-mouth jerk starts blabbing’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it’s spying on you.” – Jay Leno

“In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.” – Jay Leno

“In an interview, Pat Buchanan predicted that the inflow of Hispanics from the immigration bill will break the U.S. into two countries with different cultures and different languages. Of course, as a resident of Los Angeles, I can’t imagine what that would be like.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama spoke was in Germany and spoke at the Brandenburg Gate, which divided that city during the Cold War. Obama said it’s taught me a lot. When I was a kid, West Germany taught me the importance of standing tall, and East Germany taught me the importance of reading everyone’s mail.” – Bill Maher

“At the Berlin Wall, Obama said no wall can stand against the people’s yearning for freedom that burns in our heart – except for the one we’re going to build on the Mexican border.” – Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there’s one thing Romney’s campaign manager is good at, it’s stopping someone from becoming president.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I challenge The Onion to come up with a headline, in their brilliant but crazy worldview, that is more weird than the real one: ‘Republican Congressman Believes in Masturbating Fetuses‘.” – Bill Maher

“Over in the Senate, they found a way to get Republicans on board with immigration reform. They’re going to militarize the border. They’re going to build a border surge. … Sounds like something you eat at Taco Bell. Or something that happens after you eat at Taco Bell.” – Bill Maher

“We’re going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will.” – Bill Maher

“I kid the Republicans, but whether it is border security or gun rights or gay issues, they always have the same fear — someone coming in the back door.” – Bill Maher

“What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network.” – Jay Leno

“Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin’s pocket. That is how bad it was.” – Jay Leno

“The American Medical Association declared obesity a disease. People are already taking advantage of this; they’re calling in sick with a case of the fats.” – Bill Maher