Political Irony

“There’s a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name ‘Carlos Danger’. Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises!” – Jay Leno

“The show tonight may run a little longer than usual, and I’ll tell you why. We have about 300 Anthony Weiner jokes to get through.” – David Letterman

“Before we begin the show, I want to ask everyone to turn off their cellphones. It has nothing to do with our program. We just want to protect you from Anthony Weiner. He may try to send you a text.” – Jay Leno

“Let me just say this: You know that your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying ‘I told you there would be more lewd photos.'” – David Letterman

“It was revealed that Anthony Weiner sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using a ‘Carlos Danger’ Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, ‘You still use Yahoo?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Weiner says he won’t drop out of the race so that means by day he’ll be Mr. Mayor, and by night he’ll be ‘Carlos Danger, Gaucho of Love’.” – David Letterman

“Carlos Danger — isn’t that the guy from the Dos Equis commercials?” – David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner’s alter ego is a Bolivian action hero slash porn star. ‘Danger… is my user name’.” – John Oliver

“Yes, even after the sexting scandal that ended his congressional career. It turns out he learned nothing. Has this man never heard of SnapChat? Your dong shots disappear seconds after you send them… I have been told.” – Stephen Colbert

“Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure he should start with his zipper.” – Jay Leno

“Taylor Swift canceled a radio contest to meet her biggest fan when it turned out her biggest fan was a man nearly twice her age. Nothing’s working out for Anthony Weiner these days.” – Conan O’Brien

“The royal baby finally has a name. It took a few days but they named him Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. The parents said they wanted a name that reflects his country’s great history and gets him beaten up at school every day.” – Conan O’Brien

“The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as ‘Boy George’.” – Craig Ferguson

“The past 24 hours have been so exciting for my wife and I, and we haven’t had a chance to respond to everyone’s calls and messages, but let me just say, ‘Yes, William and Kate, we’ll definitely set up a play date.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody is still talking about the other baby, the royal baby. In fact, I saw that President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, ‘And whatever you do – hang on to that birth certificate’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Queen Elizabeth met the royal baby yesterday. The baby cried, so Queen Elizabeth explained, ‘You’ll never have to work a day in your life.'” – Conan O’Brien

“The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you’d be able to keep your doctor, and now they’re saying you ‘might’ be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from ‘Yes we can’ to ‘Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything.'” – Jay Leno

“Al Qaeda’s number two man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.” – Jay Leno

“Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has been in Gitmo for 10 years. They turned him lose on the computer and this guy is some sort of evil genius. He designed a brand-new vacuum cleaner. It keeps the fleas out of his beard. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has declared jihad on dirt. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a shoo-in for the Gitmo science fair.” – David Letterman

“It has come out that when Moammar Gadhafi’s Libyan compound was raided back in 2011, someone stole his gold toilet brush. Police describe the suspect as pretty much anyone with a gold toilet brush.” – Conan O’Brien

“Joe Biden said this week that he still dreams of being president. To which Hillary said, ‘Keep dreaming’.” – Jay Leno

“In an interview about the New York elections, Eliot Spitzer, who you remember was caught frequenting prostitutes, described himself as a feminist. And Anthony Weiner described himself as a photographer.” – Conan O’Brien

“A Utah senator proposed a bill that would no longer require kids to go to school. But then someone noticed that the senator was just three boys in a trench coat standing on top of each other’s shoulders.” – Conan O’Brien

“The royal baby is now past due. It was supposed to be born two days ago. So ladies and gentlemen, once again a member of the British royal family is avoiding labor.” – Conan O’Brien

“Edward Snowden still living in the Moscow Airport. Workers there are treating him well. Every night they leave a mint on his neck pillow.” – David Letterman

“Britain’s parliament has passed a bill that would allow gay marriage. How about that? For the first time they are allowing gay marriage. If you thought royal weddings were big, just wait until the first gay royal wedding. Oh, my God. How fabulous will that be?” – Jay Leno

“Here’s some big news out of England. Today, Queen Elizabeth officially legalized gay marriage in Britain. Or as she put it, ‘You know, it doesn’t always have to be tea and crumpets. Sometimes it can just be two crumpets.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Gay marriage is legal in the U.K. Which is why today, Camilla asked Prince Charles, ‘So I can take off this dress now?” – Jimmy Fallon

“Today the Queen said that she would like the royal baby to be born before she goes on vacation. Then someone reminded her she’s more or less been on vacation since 1952.” – Conan O’Brien

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden is living at the Moscow airport. He’s been there for about a month. He’s scorned with no home to call his own. No safe harbor. It’s like being an old George Clooney girlfriend.” – David Letterman

“Edward Snowden’s been at the airport close to two months. And here’s how he stays in shape. He goes jogging every day on the baggage carousel.” – David Letterman

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for temporary asylum in Russia. Apparently, he didn’t want anyone to know, but somehow the story leaked out.” – Jay Leno

“Today, the headquarters of the EPA was renamed in honor of Bill Clinton because of his dedication to protecting the environment. Or as Al Gore put it, ‘Are you kidding me? The environment? That’s my thing.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope said something crazy. The Pope is offering time off from purgatory for anyone who follows him on Twitter. He also said it’s cool for Catholics to have premarital sex as long as they like his Facebook page.” – Conan O’Brien

“President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing.” – Jay Leno

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for asylum in Russia, but Vladimir Putin is against it. You know, if Snowden really wants to stay in Russia he should just speak out against Putin. He’ll get to stay in Russia the rest of his life.” – Jay Leno

“Russian President, Vladimir Putin rode a submarine to the bottom of the ocean to look at the remains of an old shipwreck. And also because ‘SpongeBob knows too much’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Rush Limbaugh claims he is now allowed to say the N-word. After hearing this, Paula Deen said, ‘Let me know how that works out for you.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis is on summer vacation right now and apparently he’s been spotted driving around in a Ford Focus. So I guess he takes that vow of celibacy very seriously.” – Jimmy Fallon

“NSA leaker Edward Snowden says he may seek asylum in Russia. Well, he should really love the freedom and openness of that society.” – Jay Leno

“President Obama just called Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss NSA leaker Edward Snowden, who’s been living in Moscow at the airport. Obama asked that Snowden be sent back to the U.S., and in return Putin asked for a case of Twinkies.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, wants asylum in Venezuela. He also wants to be able to have summer asylum in the Hamptons.” – David Letterman

“According to a new study, inactivity can kill you. You can die from doing nothing. Believe me. These findings scare the hell out of the Congress.” – Jay Leno

“The royal baby is due today. Kate Middleton and Prince William are expecting the baby any minute now. The royals say they don’t care what gender it is as long as it’s healthy enough to never work a day in its life.” – Conan O’Brien

“Britain is in a heightened state of alert. Right now they’re in royal baby watch. Yes, everyone’s on the lookout for the helpless little bald creature that will someday become the most powerful person in England. But enough about Prince Charles.” – Craig Ferguson

“William’s brother, Prince Harry, is said to be very excited. He’ll be an uncle for the first time. And he will no longer be the only one running around in the royal palace naked.” – Craig Ferguson

“Queen Elizabeth is also on pins and needles. Who can blame her? It’s been 120 years since a British monarch has been alive for the birth of a great, great grandchild – or as Prince Charles noted, it’s been 120 years, five months, three days, and 15 hours.” – Craig Ferguson

“Doctors have warned that the birth could be very painful because there’s a 1 in 4 chance it’s going to have Prince Charles’ ears.” – Craig Ferguson

“President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it’s one thing to lie to the voters, but when you’re lying to kids, come on.” – Jay Leno

“In a landmark legal case, the Iowa Supreme Court has ruled a dentist could legally fire his female assistant because he found her too sexy and a threat to his marriage. You can be fired for being too sexy. I’ll bet that’s what happened to me here at NBC.” – Jay Leno