Political Irony

© Global Secular Humanist Movement

“At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan’s smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race.” – Conan O’Brien

“The latest scandal for Weiner is that his communications director called a former intern a ‘slut bag’. But Weiner says he won’t fire the communications director and vows to stand beside her. And she was like, ‘How about we just stand side by side?'” – Jimmy Fallon

“More problems for America’s creepiest mayor, San Diego’s Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would’ve come forward sooner but the line was too long.” – Jay Leno

“Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it’s only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time.” – Jay Leno

“In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever – this is real – Filner’s lawyer said if there’s any liability, it’s the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!” – Jay Leno

“It seems an audio sex tape that Monica Lewinksy recorded for Bill Clinton at the height of their affair back in the 1990s has now been leaked to the National Enquirer. With all these scandals involving Anthony Weiner and San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, it’s nice to see an old pro come out of retirement and show these guys how it’s done.” – Jay Leno

“In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain’s getting old. He also said he’d consider voting for oatmeal.” – Craig Ferguson

“Congress has a month-long vacation coming up, but House Republicans are being pressured to use their time off to reach out to women, young people, and minorities. So they all got together and decided to go to a Selena Gomez concert.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Mayor Bloomberg wanted to outlaw giant sugary drinks. He wanted to try to force a ban on sugary sodas and they overturned it. That’s fine, but what about a ban on texting while you’re running for mayor? Why can’t we get a ban on that?” – David Letterman

“Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois.” – Conan O’Brien

Andy Richter: “What the national language of the United States?”
Conan O’Brien: “Third grade English.”

“Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he said, ‘Anything but Cinnabon’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“The big ‘Smurfs’ movie sequel is out. It’s cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, ‘Who am I to judge them?'” – David Letterman

“President Obama is going to appear on ‘The Tonight Show’ with Jay Leno. That’s going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview President Obama.” – Craig Ferguson

“The Anthony Weiner campaign’s communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he’d take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to.” – Jimmy Fallon

“A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, ‘The important thing is I haven’t lost my phone’.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know if I believe this or not, but there’s this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, ‘It’s true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney Leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA’s biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He’s gonna need a job. We’ve seen his promo package.” – Jay Leno

“A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world’s three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you’re done. No competition.” – Conan O’Brien

“The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first musical’.” – David Letterman

“Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that’s what the Tony Awards are for.” – Jay Leno

“Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.” – John Oliver

“Al Qaeda announced that they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, because nothing helps you pull off a prison break like announcing it ahead of time.” – Conan O’Brien

“The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There’s one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it. The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it. We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City.” – David Letterman

“Things are getting so much worse for disgraced New York mayoral candidate and serial sexter Anthony Weiner. The latest New York City mayoral poll reveals that Weiner is in fourth place, or as Weiner says, ‘Hey, I’m at the bottom of a foursome.” – Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the Democratic race for New York City mayor. Even worse, third place is a write-in candidate — ‘Anyone else but Weiner’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer has now gone on record as saying that Anthony Weiner is not fit to be mayor. Well, that’s good enough for me. That’s all I needed to hear.” – David Letterman

“Anthony Weiner’s wife is Huma, and you know, when you get married you swear to love each other for better or worse, and this is worse. In fact, it couldn’t be much worse.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday on Fox News, Donald Trump said there is something ‘mentally wrong’ with Anthony Weiner. He said, ‘That guy is dangerous, unstable, and disgusting. So look for him next season on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“One of the women with whom Anthony Weiner had an online relationship, a 23-year-old vixen named Sidney Leathers, is so embarrassed that she stripped down to a bikini photo for the New York Post. The photo was exclusive – because nobody else showed up to photograph her.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I feel like this Sidney Leathers is every woman rolled into one large, disturbing package of tattoos.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“According to the New York Post, the Clintons are really angry about being compared to the Weiners, and rightly so. Bill Clinton took his sexual conduct seriously. Anthony Weiner just phones it in.” – Jay Leno

“A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.” – Conan O’Brien

“Happy birthday today to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is 66. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and families.” – Craig Ferguson

“Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He’s 66 years old today. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn’t really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up.” – Jay Leno

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66 years old today. That’s according to records kept by Jane Goodall.” – David Letterman

“Arnold is not from the United States, as you all know. He was born on Skull Island.” – David Letterman

“Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It’s because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across.” – Jay Leno

“Seven women have come forward to say they’ve been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it’s a 12-step program. Here’s a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women. ” – Jay Leno

“Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, ‘What am I supposed to do? He’s president’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Private Bradley Manning called WikiLeaks and turned over a million documents, and then he was found not guilty of leaking. He was delighted so he celebrated with his brothers, Eli and Peyton.” – David Letterman

“Today after years of waiting, peace talks resumed between the Israelis and Palestinians. No, wait. I’m sorry. This cue card is from 1979. And 1984. And 1988.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner’s newest scandal. And it’s tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they’re like, ‘I’m not opening that’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit. He says he’s applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET.” – Craig Ferguson

“Since his latest sexting scandal, things keep getting worse and worse for New York mayor candidate Anthony Weiner. Yesterday his campaign manager quit. Weiner didn’t give him any severance, but he did offer him a package.” – Conan O’Brien

“This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, ‘What kind of person quits because of something like that?’ Then voters said, ‘Ideally? You’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Bill Clinton is reportedly very upset that Anthony Weiner is comparing his sexting scandal to Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsy. Today Bill Clinton said, ‘Real men cheat in person’.” – Conan O’Brien

“The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They’ve rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love.” – David Letterman

“Republicans have accused Carlos Danger of being in the United States illegally.” – David Letterman

“Pope Francis said something surprising today. Pope Francis says he’s going to start fighting in MMA events.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Actually the Pope said he has no problem with priests who are gay. He said if someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? It’s the same reason he turned down the vacant judge job on ‘Project Runway’.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Pope Francis went to Rio in South America and announced that he would not judge anyone who is gay. That’s what Pope Francis said. That must have been some trip to Rio.” – David Letterman

“Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.” – Conan O’Brien

“Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let’s be honest.” – Jimmy Kimmel